MALL SANTA: Oh, ha, ha. Well, I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle.
And I'll see what I can do about your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.
All right. Merry Christmas!
- Who's next? - Santa!
Kumar, no! Merry—
WOMAN: Back of the line, tech support!
- Is this a joke? KUMAR: Hold the fuck on.
Your son can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute.
[ALL GASP]
- What do you want for Christmas? KUMAR: That's a really good question.
- Snoopy Sno-cone Machine. - Done.
- And a DeLorean. - Yes.
Wu-Tang to get back together.
I'll tell the elves.
This is just for my stockings.
- For my present— - Hey!
Meet me at my sleigh in half an hour, okay?
You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa.
- Ooh. Bong. - Oh!
Right in the sugar plums.
Okay. On the menu today, we have:
Winter Wonder Weed.
We have Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.
Oh, it's a Weederful Life.
God, does everything have to be about Christmas?
Hey, some people like the holidays.
I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me out.
KUMAR: What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout
A little more expensive.
This is like Duvalier Dank from October.
- I'll take it. - Oh. Hello, gentlemen.
KUMAR Mm.
- Shit. - What?
You have anything to smoke out of?
[COUGHS]
PROTESTERS [CHANTING]: Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!
KENNETH: Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.
Wait...
more protesters?
Do they really think we care what poor people think?
Kenneth, it's Christmas.
They're out of work. You'd be upset too.
Let's see how you did on your assignment.
I think I found the absolute best gift for your father-in-law.
And, Mr. Lee, I think you're gonna be really pleased.
Ow.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
This is a Sharp...
52" Aquos Quattron TV...
with state-of-the-art 3D technology...
that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.
I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing jumped the shark by now?
Mr. Lee, you don't understand.
This is the best 3D you've ever seen.
It's gonna be amazing!
Who are you looking at?
Mr. Lee!
Want me to call you a cab...
a town car, a limo? It's not safe...
out there. - No, thanks, Kenneth.
I got a buddy picking me up.
One more thing! Merry Christmas to you...
Harold, and Happy New Year!
Hey, over there.
We got another one.
Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.
Hey...
angry protesters! I just got a huge Christmas bonus...
so you can suck my rich, yellow...
dick!
[YELLS]
Get him!
[PROTESTERS CLAMORING]
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
[WHIMPERING]
HAROLD: Dude!
Open the door!
Unh. Thank God you're here.
I thought those hippies were gonna kill you.
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!
Just drive. Todd, drive.
No, no, no! No, no, no!
Oh, great.
Now we're getting tinkled on.
- It's just urine. It'll wash out. - Oh, Harry.
Tinkle on the windshield is the grossest thing...
that has ever happened to me.
Ugh.
[RETCHES]
It smells like shit in here.
Hey...
neighbor. - Hey, man.
What's up? What are you—?
You're here a little early. You didn't go to the bathroom?
No, Why?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
I made a mess.
ADRIAN: Right. Don't talk about it.
What the hell's going on?
Relax. It's not what it looks like.
Unless it looks like I rent your bathroom for homeless people to shit in.
Then it's what it looks like.
The fuck?
It's the coffee at the shelter.
It's powerful, man.
Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
Okay, next, please. Move.
No. Hey, no.
I was gonna split the profits with you...
which at a buck a dump, comes out to be 40 bucks.
- I don't wa— Seriously, 40 bucks? - Yeah.
Oh. That reminds me. Remember that chick I met on the Internet?
- The one with the huge clit? - No, not Clitzilla.
[GRUNTS]
- I'm talking about Mary. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Virgin Mary.
Yes, exactly. Well, get this. She wants me...
to deflower her.
Tonight. Christmas Eve.
At a party she's throwing in Manhattan. Best part:
- You're coming with me. - No can do, man.
I gotta stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.
Why not ask your roommate?
Because you're the best. I don't wanna go with him.
I already asked him. He said no. He's spending Christmas...
with his stupid girlfriend.
Mm. This is what happens. They get a girlfriend...
then they get married...
then you never hear from them again.
Fuck it, I'm in.
Yes.
TODD: What are we doing here, Harry?
You know what Dr. Oz says?
Guys our age need to watch...
our cholesterol. - Yeah, I know.
I'm in for a really stressful weekend. I just needed some comfort food.
Don't get too comfortable. Keep your game face on for your father-in-law.
- Did you stock the fridge? - I did.
- With ethnic items that he might need? - I did.
- Did you Pledge the banister? - Check.
- Did you get the potpourri balls? - Yes.
Letting him have the master bedroom?
No.
Harry. Unh! No, no, no.
Might have S'ed the bed on that.
You can curse in front of me. Baby's not here.
I know. Force of habit. Just—
- Here you go. - Oh, thank you.
- That's a Mr. Pibb, Sprite, Diet Coke suicide? MAN: Correct.
- There you go. - Thank you, kind sir.
Oh, by the way, you got shit all over your car.
Thank you for the update. Don't appreciate the language.
Everybody's got a potty mouth these days.
It is a G-D shame.
And they'll burn in H.
TODD: Wow, the Jewish neighbors must hate this.
Well, Harry. Harry.
You have outdone yourself.
HAROLD: If you knew Maria's dad...
you'd pull out all the stops too.
Has not accepted you as part of the family?
No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...
all the work, he appreciates it.
Oh, so smart.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Oh. Jinx.
You always do that. You keep doing it. It's crazy.
Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.
Or both.
Maria!
Oh, hi there. Somebody's looking...
uh, very merry today.
Somebody is also...
ovulating.
Um...
Your dad is gonna be here any minute, though. Honestly, that's—
- Baby. Then let's get to it. - Oh!
Because when they get here...
we are going to have no private time.
I don't know if we should.
Now, come on and fuck a baby into me.
Okay, I will.
[HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES]
Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.
If it's a baby I gotta give you, it's a baby you're gonna get.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
BOTH: Shit.
Go. Go.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Be cool.
Carlos, Merry Christmas.
Hello, Harold.
You made the drive in record time. Didn't speed, did you?
[GULPS]
Empanadas?
Where's Maria?
HAROLD: She's upstairs...
getting read)'
Can I get you a beer?
What the hell is that?
HAROLD: She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.
This is our Christmas tree.
Is it fake?
It's faux, actually.
You celebrating real Christmas...
or a faux Christmas?
Real Christmas?
Then why the hell would you buy a faux tree?
It's an investment, really.
MARIA: Daddy.
Daddy!
God.
MARIA: I've missed you!
[MARIA GASPS]
And the whole family...
is here.
[MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Hi...
everybody!
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, God.
Oh. I guess Timo...
made parole.
Uh, not exactly.
Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!
[CHUCKLES]
You take it.
You people are real good with those things.
HAROLD: It's just the weekend.
NARRATOR [ON TV]: Has this ever happened to you?
This stupid waffle's stuck.
[GRUNTING]
MOM: Oh, my God! Billy!
- Heh-heh-heh. MOM: George, call 911!
This is fucked up.
NARRATOR: How about this?
[GIRL SCREAMS]
Well, it doesn't have to any more.
Introducing WaffleBoz'.
BOTH: WaffleBot!
NARRATOR: Just pop the top, let that batter drop
and Waff/eBoz' does the rest.
Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.
BOTH: Thanks, WaffleBot!
WAFFLEBOT love you.
NARRATOR: Get the Christmas
toy of the season while they're hot.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
KUMAR: I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!
VANESSA: Kumar! It's Vanessa.
Hey. Looks like somebody missed me.
Come on in.
Since when do you have a beard?
I actually have not shaved since you left. Pretty romantic.
Kind of like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.
VANESSA: When's the last time you cleaned?
Like three months ago.
Less romantic?
Little bit, yeah.
I'm sorry, where are my manners? Here. Here.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I shouldn't.
Of course you should.
Kumar, I really need to talk to you.
I'm pregnant.
[COUGHS]
You're pregnant?
We—
We practiced safe sex.
[SCOFFS]
I mean, I pulled out and came on your back.
A couple squeaks got by...
but is that all it takes? - Yes.
That's all. No wonder you flunked out of med school.
I didn't flunk out of med school. I failed a drug test.
How do I even know...
that the baby's mine?
I haven't slept with anyone since we broke up.
Nice.
What do you want to do about it?
All right, um...
[CHUCKLING]
This is the part where the kid's tongue...
gets stuck to a pole. Ha, ha.
Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry.
Um, are we having a conversation right now, or are you watching A Christmas Story?
Both. No.
- I mean— - You know what? I knew you...
couldn't handle this. - I'm sorry.
I'm really high.
This is not about you being high. This is about you being immature.
It's why I couldn't stay here any more.
You are perfectly fine creating a mess...
but when it comes to cleaning one up...
you're MIA.
Give me a half hour...
to sober up.
Fuck.
[CHATTERING]
Dad, you good? You need a drink or—? No? Okay.
[MR. PEREZ GROWLS]
- Maria. I love you. - Ha,ha.
Glad your family's here.
I'm just wondering...
how we're gonna deal with the Christmas party with all these extra guests.
We'll make it work. We have plenty of room.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Harold.
Hey, speaking of guests...
are you sure you don't wanna invite Kumar?
Kumar? You kidding me? I haven't seen that guy in years.
MARIA: Kumar has been...
your friend for a long time. - It is perfectly normal.
People lose half their friends every seven years.
It's not like I don't have friends.
- Todd? Yeah, he's a lot of fun. - At least he doesn't...
create a disaster everywhere he goes.
[IN SPANISH]
Ah, okay.
[IN SPANISH]
[ALL GASP]
[IN ENGLISH] Rosetta Stone.
A lifesaver.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
KU MAR: Be right there!
Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.
[GRUNTS]
Maybe we can—
Are you sure we have to...
throw it out? - This tree is a cancer.
We have to get rid of it before it kills Christmas.
Very intense wording.
[WHISTLES THEN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
MARIA: Wow! Oh, my God.
I can't believe you brought the tree. Ha-ha-ha.
Am I missing something?
Every Christmas we use a tree that Dad grew.
- Oh. MR. PEREZ: Twelve-foot Fraser fir.
Look at the branch distribution.
Oh, I see.
Hey, hey!
She's very delicate.
I've been growing her for eight years.
Eight years, wow. I never knew Christmas trees were such a big deal.
Oh, God.
Not a big deal?
Let me tell you a story, Harold.
Growing up in Medellin...
my family was too poor to celebrate Christmas properly.
Every year I would pray to God:
"Please, let me wake up and find a big, beautiful Christmas tree. "
And every Christmas...
I was heartbroken.
When my mother finally moved me to America...
she promised me we would have...
a Christmas tree every Christmas from then on.
But one week before that first Christmas, while walking home from work...
she was violently attacked...
by a gang of Korean punks.
[GRUNTS]
They stabbed her multiple times.
- Fucking kill her! - Whoo!
She bled to death.
So I guess...
you could say, yes, a Christmas tree is a big deal.
Oh, my God.
- [WHISPERS] Why didn't you tell me? - [MOUTHS] I'm sorry.
Pepe! Where are the ornaments?
I don't know.
My eyes are all fucked up.
You can't celebrate Christmas with a naked tree! It's indecent!
Maria, forget about midnight Mass.
Tonight, we're decorating the tree.
Oh, Daddy, I wanted to spend tonight in the city...
with you 9113/3
Wait.
I got this.
I'll take care of the tree. You have a family night in Manhattan.
No. No, no, no.
We brought the tree all the way down.
It has to look perfect on Christmas morning.
Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what you want and I'll take care of it.
When you come back, the tree will be decorated.
This house, I promise you, is gonna be perfect.
[MARIA CHUCKLES]
ADRIAN: You know, I like the beard, but I love clean-shaven you.
You look like an Indian Don Draper.
What did Vanessa do to suck...
the life out of you...
this afternoon?
I don't have anyone else to confide in. I might as well tell you. Uh...
Vanessa's pregnan—
A queefer.
- What? - I knew it.
I used to date this black chick, she used to queef every time we had sex.
It was ridiculous. I used to call her Queen Laqueefa.
When was the last time you saw this guy?
- Two years ago. - So...
why are we dropping off this package? You said this guy was a chode.
He is, all right? I just— I don't want his shit in my place.
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Can we put on some Wu-Tang?
What? No. No Wu-Tang, okay? Christmas music. I like it.
Because you weren't brought up...
normal, doesn't mean you should ruin it.
You're Jewish.
I know, right?
[RAISES VOLUME]
[ADRIAN SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]
KUMAR: Sure this is the right address?
Whoa. Looks like your ex-boyf's moving up in the world. Heh.
I guess.
I'll be right back. I'm just gonna drop this off.
Big house, lot of bathrooms.
Lot of poopies, lot of money.
Daddy likes.
[GRUNTS THEN GROANING]
Fuck!
Kumar?
Hello, Harold.
- Hey! - Hey!
- Hey. - I was—
- How are you? Good to see you. - Oh, hey.
- How you doing? - Good to see you too. Good.
You got a package that came for you at the apartment. So I was dropping it off.
Oh. Okay, cool.
You look terrific. You lose weight?
No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually. This is a really nice house.
No. You know.
Do you want to come in for a drink...
or something?
Um...
[ON RADIO] Christmas, Christmas
Do you not have time?
- Oh. - Oh.
- Come in, come in. Come in. Come on. - Sure.
Watch your step, it's icy there.
E99n09? Empanadas?
Uh... Sure. Yeah.
Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.
Oh. Thank you. Yeah.
Bay window is brand-new, actually. We just put that in last week.
The sconces are new. Sconces are actually brand-new.
Yeah, I was gonna say, it looks like you guys got some awesome sconces.
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
So, what's up with this package?
HAROLD: My name and your address. That's weird.
I haven't lived there for so long.
I know. That's strange.
HAROLD: Whoa.
Ooh.
HAROLD: What the hell is this?
That's a gigantic joint. What do you think?
HAROLD: Is this a joke?
- No. I swear. - Did you do this?
Had I known, I would have smoked it.
Is there a—?
No return address.
I don't even see any stamps on this.
What are you doing?
Getting not low.
No smoking in this house.
What? What douche came up with that rule?
HAROLD: This douche did.
That was good shit.
HAROLD: I don't care, okay?
I don't smoke any more.
- What? - I just felt...
that a lot of times when I got high...
things would go really wrong. 80...
But, Harold, weed is so good.
It gets you high.
I got nothing against weed, okay?
Had plenty of fun times with weed. But I'm an adult now.
And frankly, I'm kind of glad that the craziness is behind me.
Do you smell something burning?
BOTH: Oh, shit!
KU MAR: Oh, shit. - Shit.
Shit!
It's spreading. It's spreading!
Here.
Bah,bah,bah! Not the throw pillows!
Seriously?
I did it anyway!
HAROLD: What the fuck?
Shit!
HAROLD: Maria's dad will kill me!
Stop yelling!
We gotta get rid of this tree!
Okay.
That's why you gotta buy those faux trees. They last forever.
[PANTING]
Calm down. It's just a Christmas tree.
"Just a Christmas tree"?
Maria's dad grew that tree...
and now it is dead.
Koreans have killed his mother, and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.
Christmas isn't ruined.
Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.
They're gonna come home from Mass and expect to see...
a decorated tree, but they are gonna see that.
Dude, you're overreacting. There's plenty of tree lots.
We'll drive around till we find the right tree.
We're not gonna do anything.
You know what? Um, this is my fault.
I take full responsibility. Please leave.
I will take care of this. Thank you.
- I don't mind helping out— - I got it.
- We have a van— - I got it.
Okay. You got it.
- You need anything, just give me— - Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Harold.
What the fuck took so long?
Nothing. Let's just go.
You never told me Harold was Asian. I always pictured an old white guy.
TODD: Freeze! This is a robbery. Give me all your friendship.
Oh, wow, look at that.
You know, it's kind of better than a window.
It's like a stained-glass window of paper.
Any luck with the tree?
- Oh, you brought Ava. - Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava.
It's "3D."
Hmm?
Daddy-Daughter Day.
You can't back out of Daddy-Daughter Day...
because Emma says that leads to abandonment issues...
and then stripping and meth and biker boyfriend.
- All bad things. - Ah.
- The tree, though. - Yes, so I called-
[BABY CRYING]
Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.
[SINGING] The itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the water spout
They say that singing is...
the best way to communicate with a child.
I guess I haven't found...
the right song for her yet.
That's too bad. Uh, the tree?
The tree. Right. So I called them.
They had one 12-foot fir left.
- And I reserved it. - You got it?
- Yeah. - Yes! You should have led off with that.
I know. I don't know why I didn't.
- Okay, good. Let's go. - Whoo!
You know.
Okay. Next time.
Now, before this party...
we got to talk about your game.
Heh. The last time you hit on a chick, you had to ask for her beeper number.
[ADRIAN CHUCKLES]
Get it?
Aw, dude, turn in there!
Really? A tree farm'?
"Best selection"...
my ass.
It's Christmas Eve, okay? What do you expect?
KUMAR: If I was a tree farmer
I'd be embarrassed. These trees are ghetto.
What the fuck that mean?
[LATRELL CHUCKLES]
He's just playing. How you doing? I'm Latrell.
Hello. Kumar.
This here's my partner in crime, Lamar.
Ah!
- So you two own this tree lot? LAMAR: What?
A couple of brothers can't sell trees? Only swing from them like monkeys?
What? No! Of course not. You could do both.
- What? - What?
My boy here gets cagey during the holidays.
Heh, heh. Word. Word. My boy here, same way.
Cagey as shit. Right, boy?
If you're looking for trees, you should know we do custom work.
Here's one we did for Ja Rule. Ha-ha-ha.
Ooh. We'll take it.
Pow.
- Ooh. How much is that? LATRELL: That tree'? Sorry.
Just got reserved.
I really need it. I'll pay double.
LAMAR: Oh, I got you now.
You think you can buy the black man's soul.
Like we some Wayne Brady-ass niggers, right?
Triple.
I'll get the rope.
- Quadruple. - Stop.
Sold.
[FINGERS CRACK]
Can we drop this tree off at Sulu's and head to the city?
KUMAR: Just hold on a second, all right?
I see what you're doing.
Forget about her.
- Think about me. - All right.
Hold on. We'll drop the tree off and then we'll go get you your virgin.
Yeah.
We got another customer.
Can I play angry black guy this time?
Aw, come on. You just played it.
And I got triple the money.
Come on, please? Come on!
TODD [SINGING]: Three French hens
HAROLD: Would you stop?
TODD: I wish I could stop
Sorry, I'm trying my best
Hi. You guys in charge?
Yeah. What the fuck is it to you, motherfucker?
Gaz"s coming out
That was so good. Ha, ha.
We're just here to pick up a tree that we reserved.
- We called. LATRELL: Oh, yeah?
We just sold your little punk-ass tree, bitch!
HAROLD: What? You sold it?
To who?
Those white boys over there.
Fuck!
H9)'-
TODD: Aah! Where are we going?
HAROLD: Maybe if we catch up to them, they'll sell the tree to us.
TODD: Good idea!
LATRELL: I'm sorry.
- You lost your gangsta grill. - I know.
- How you gonna be a gangsta? - I'm not one.
- I gotta wear those tomorrow. - I know.
- You know I love you, right? - I think you do.
- I don't know why, but I love you. - Thank you.
TODD: Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down...
because we got precious cargo...
and it is very icy out there.
- What? I don't see any ice. - You've never heard of black ice?
It's like the worst ice there is. Black ice, it's everywhere.
Relax. I can feel the road. It's not that bad.
Yo, slow down, man.
- You're going a little fast. - I gotta get to this party ASAP:
Pussy's not like yogurt. It has an expiration date.
Yogurt has an expiration date.
Does it? Damn it. Okay. That explains a lot.
It was really sour.
But yogurt is sour, so how was I to know?
Are you really hot? I'm, like, hot...
but I'm cold— Hello?
You're not looking at me.
I should look at the road and you look at me.
- It's opposite. - Watch out!
ADRIAN: Ow, ow.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Holy shit!
TODD: Black ice!
Black ice! It's real!
ADRIAN: Oh, shit!
Oh, my God!
Don't just scream!
You're just screaming!
That's not helpful!
Oh, shit!
Holy shit!
Oh, Harry, stop!
ADRIAN: Aw... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.
Oh, my ass.
I am so going to tweet about that. Heh-heh-heh.
You guys all right? How are you alive?
Harold?
Kumar?
That was you at the tree farm? You took my tree?
- So you killed two trees in one night. KUMAR: Hold on.
That is a perfectly salvageable tree.
[YELLS]
That was a perfectly salvageable tree.
That was the only 12-foot Fraser fir left in the fucking state.
Fuck your tree!
What about my car?
I got a virgin to fuck!
Who is this? Who is Glasses?
Heh. Nice, Harry.
- This is my friend, Adrian. HAROLD: Oh.
He's young.
- Thank you. - Don't respond to him.
TODD: Why the I-I...
did you F-wads...
take the tree that we had specifically called and reserved?
Who is this toolbox?
This is my friend, Todd.
Oh, yeah? What kind of friend? Best friend?
- I wouldn't say best— Yes. - Yeah. Yep. Besties.
That's awesome.
Buddy.
Homey.
This was fun. But I got...
a hot date in the city.
You have to take me.
What? No.
- We're not taking you anywhere. - Not going through any tunnels.
Dude, you are not depriving me of this:
Hey, Adrian. I can't wait to finally meet you.
I'm going to rock your world.
I promise...
it will be worth the wait.
Wait, look at this fir.
I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.
Shut up. The tree.
It's like Maria's dad's tree.
- It's magnificent. ADRIAN: I'll make you a deal.
Take me to the party, I get you that tree.
No. It's already very late.
Shut the fuck up, Todd!
This doesn't concern you!
- Easy. - He can not— He is not allow—
HAROLD: Hey. Calm down. Calm down.
I'm running out of time. I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m.
Work with me. Listen.
I'm not driving for nothing.
Make sure we can get the tree, you got a deal.
Done.
Hey, douche?
Yeah?
Shotgun.
Oh.
Scr—
S you. S you.
"S"?
- "S you"? - "Screw you."
- Oh, right. TODD: Screw you!
"Harry"? Gotta be kidding me.
The tree is removable?
OPERATOR: Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
- Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good. - Please hang up—
We can have the tree?
She said it?
She said that, yes.
- Great. Let's go. - Okay.
What is he doing? What is he doing?
What are you doing?
What?
My daughter's in there!
What?
- Oh, shit! HAROLD: What the fuck, Kumar?
I didn't see her.
You got my baby high!
HAROLD: You got his baby high.
Hold on a second.
Nobody gets high the first time they smoke weed. Don't you know anything?
[GIGGLING]
TODD: Okay, great.
Now she has the giggles.
- Sorry. TODD: If Emma finds out...
we won't be able...
to come to the party.
What party?
Oh, it's just a work...
Christmas party...
kind of thing.
Right, Todd?
Yeah. It's gonna be...
classic.
[YELLING]
Okay, great. Now she's having a bad trip.
HAROLD: Try singing again.
It never works.
- Hey. Hey. HAROLD: What are you doing?
H9)'-
[RAPPING] If you want beef, then bring the ruckus
Wu-Tang C/an ain't
Nothin' to fuck with
Straight from
The motherfucking slums that's busted
Wu- Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with
Ahh.
Dude, you baby-whispered her.
TODD: I do not care for the language...
but that was impressive.
What singing group...
is that? - The Wu-Tang Clan.
The Gu-Ga— The Wu-Gang Band?
Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.
TODD: Harry.
When did you turn into Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?
KUMAR: There's a lot you don't know
about Harry, huh?
TODD: Excuse me?
- Was that directed to me? KUMAR: Yeah, douche.
Okay. Taken.
I got the munchies.
TODD: Now we have to...
stop and get some disgusting food for her.
So she can come down from her trip. Fantastic.
Oh, by the way, if anybody asks, I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.
- What? - What?
It's just this lie I sort of got caught in.
Also, I told her you work for the White House.
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[CHATTERING]
[BIG BOl'S "DADDY FAT SAX" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
ll' is I, the B-I-G, the B-O-I
TODD: Well, I spy with my little eye...
three felonies that I can see in this room right now.
Four
That's it. That's our tree. It's perfect.
- It's better than the photograph. - Ha,ha.
HAROLD: It's perfect.
Hey, Glasses.
- Find the girl, get the tree. Come on. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yo, yo, yo!
What it is, pimp, player...
et cetera?
- What's up? Where's Mary? TEEN: I don't know...
dude, but if I was you, I would steer clear.
Does she have a tail or something? What?
Don't listen to these guys. It takes balls to do what you're doing.
You're freaking me out.
- What is wrong with her? TEENS: Ha-ha-ha.
MARY: Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?
Wow, you look just like
your profile pic.
You look better. Hi.
You're hot, girl.
Thank you.
So do you, like, want to see my room?
Hey, hey. What about the tree'?
I'll get it.
Just give me a minute, all right, man? Probably less. Heh.
But hopefully more. Heh.
[WHISPERS] Probably less.
You owe me a tree, punk.
[BABY FARTS AND GIGGLES]
Ugh. Ugh.
Oh, great. Great. This is just great.
- I've got to find a place to change a diaper. - Oh, God.
Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams would like to help with some poopy?
Wu-Tang, dude.
Woo-hoo.
Your little friend better get me a tree.
I'm sorry about him, dude. I—
BORIS: Hey, grandpa!
- Toss it back. KUMAR: Who you calling...
grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30.
Wanna start? I'll kick your ass...
right now.
Karate Kid style.
KU MAR: Really?
Which Karate Kid are you referring to?
There's only one Karate Kid and it stars Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.
What?
Generation Z, here's your ball.
Who invited these fucking losers?
Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?
She promised us we could have that tree. Okay? Thank you.
What?
Fuck that! I don't care...
what my sister said. I'm not letting you take our tree.
Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.
HAROLD: Come on.
We're here to pick up the tree, then we're out of here.
It's a bit of an emergency.
Tell you what, we'll play you for it.
If you beat us...
you get the tree.
If we beat you, we kick your asses out and take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.
I'm sorry, do you want us to play you in beer pong?
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys haven't heard of it before.
KUMAR: Oh, no, no
We've heard of it, dude. Yeah.
Except, see, in our day, it was called Beirut.
And we didn't have the rollback rule...
like you pussies have today.
I remember the day they announced the rule. Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it.
You remind me a lot of that guy...
except you're shorter.
And he had pubes.
Oh, my God. I'm so excited.
All my other friends...
lost their virginity in 7th grade.
I can't believe it's happening.
What's the deal? Why isn't everybody at school trying to sleep with you?
Are you kidding? No guy at school will even touch me.
Why won't they?
Probably because they're scared.
Well, I don't get scared.
Scared of— What are they scared of, though?
Hey! Enough talk.
Gonna hit this?
Yes. I Will. Hit it.
Aah. It's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.
- What? - Never mind. Heh.
Forget it. Heh.
Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed. Daddy is gonna get you—
Aah! Okay, I need this room...
for a serious diaper situation. So I will ask you to stop...
doing that. - Smush that pussy! Unh!
Smush my pu$$V!
GUY: I'm coming!
- Oh, my God. GUY: Oh, I'm coming!
Baby, blow me.
Ugh.
[HAROLD GRUNTS]
A boom batta, these pockets...
getting fatter.
You guys...
got nothing on me.
Dude, I need this tree.
I know.
- We hit this, we win. BORIS: No matter. There's no way...
you sinking this ball. Not in my house.
Shut this motherfucker up, would you?
- Time. - What?
Show him the old "Roldy Roll."
It's too risky. I haven't done that in forever.
No, dude, come on. You got this. Feel it.
[WHISPERS] Hello, old friend.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Clear.
[CROWD CHEERING]
We won!
Who are those guys?
I don't know, but they're fucking studs.
[ADRIAN MOANS]
I know this is your first time, so I'm gonna be extra gentle.
Who's that?
Oh, that's just my dad.
Why does he look...
so familiar?
[GROANING]
[LAUGHING]
[GRUNTING]
That's not good. No.
Hey, are we gonna do this or what?
Yeah, we are, but your dad is Sergei Katsov? Heh.
Not again. Oh, my God. This happens every goddamn time.
No,no,no.
Give your dick.
Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.
Wait, I almost got it.
It really hurts. You're digging your nails into it! Aah!
Are you going soft on me?
Uh-uh.
You better not go soft on me!
I'm not, it's just hard.
Aah! And it really, really hurts.
Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah!
So how do we do this?
KUMAR: There's gotta be a freight elevator or something.
- We take the ornaments off, or...? - We could.
Hey, guys. I just wanted to say that was an epic match.
- Good win. - Thanks, kid.
I'm sorry I was such a dick...
to you guys. I thought you were old assholes.
But real talk...
you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.
- Thanks. - No, no. Come on. Don't.
Roldy, the kid is acknowledging the error of his ways. Respect that.
Come on, man, it's Christmas.
Thanks, kid.
- All right. - Cheers.
HAROLD: Cheers. - Cheers.
Mm. It's good.
Why don't you guys just sit down and I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you.
- Thank you. - Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.
Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!
Have you kids...
never seen VH1's Behind the Music?
Do you not know...
what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you?
[SNEEZES]
[GIGGLES]
[OVER SPEAKERS] Unh, reporting live from the kitchen
With a brand-new swag
Dude, do you feel kind of weird?
Yeah, I do, actually. My face is feeling kind of numb.
Oh, fuck.
The kids put something in here.
Was it drugs? Was it semen?
[GARGLES]
It doesn't taste like semen.
MARY: Uh! You fucking...
loser! - Give me another chance!
I'm begging you!
I'm really, really, really sorry!
That we had sex too well too often.
"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.
Somebody is gonna...
fuck me tonight! You!
Oh, no. Ha. Married.
- He's single. - Hi. Kumar.
I don't date black guys.
- What? Whoa! MARY: Unh!
- What are you doing? MARY: Getting you ready.
- Get her off me! - Right, sorry, sorry!
Uh, I'm not gonna let you...
rape my friend on Christmas Eve. He's married.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[CHATTERING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who the fuck are you?
[GROANS]
[SCRATCHES]
MARY: Stop resisting.
HAROLD: Push harder, dude!
KUMAR: I am doing it!
HAROLD: I can't get her...
off! MARY: Oh, God!
[HAROLD GRUNTS]
Mariana?
Daddy.
BOTH: Daddy.
That's Sergei...
Katsov.
I know, dude.
Start talking.
- Start talking. - Okay.
She—
Start talking! Now!
Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold. It's very nice to meet you.
Um, I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe...
but your daughter, sir, was the one who was trying to rape us.
She's the raper.
No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.
These men came in here, I didn't know who they were.
I think that they got me drunk.
No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.
You got my daughter drunk?
Sir, if I may. This is all a big...
Let me pull my pants up.
It's all a big misunderstanding.
Your children threw the party.
We have nothing to do with all the drugs and all the alcohol.
[WHISTLE]
Okay, listen up!
Party's over!
My baby...
is fucked on cocaine! KATSOV: I've heard enough.
Gustav.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
- What? Oh, shit! - No! No!
Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?
- Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"? - He means both.
Why can't he say both of us?
Both of you...
kill them. Kill them all!
[CROWD CLAMORING]
- Aah! KU MAR: Go!
NQW!
TODD: Unh, ah! Ava!
Come with me if you wanna live!
What? No, no!
No,no,no!
[BOTH GRUNT]
Aah. Where's my baby?
_A\/a! Ava' - Shh!
Where could my baby be? Where's my baby?
[BABY GIGGLING]
[BOTH YELL]
Your coke baby has superpowers.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- That was close. - I know, right?
HAROLD: Were you starting to trip out a little bit?
Because I think I was starting to trip out back there a little bit.
Yeah, definitely, man. I think there was something in the eggnog.
It's pretty fucking sweet.
Don't worry.
I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.
Or maybe not?
Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!
Ha-ha-ha. So are you!
So is he.
What's up, blood?
Dude, everything's Claymated!
Fuck you!
KU MAR: This is great!
No, it's not! How am I supposed to get a tree now? I'm made of clay.
Ooh, hold on. I have an idea.
What the hell—?
Yah!
KUMAR: Clay cocks! - Put your cock away.
Dude, relax. It's gonna wear off soon.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[MAN WHIMPERING THEN YELLS]
What the fuck?
[GUNSHOTS]
Die, motherfucker!
[GUN CLICKING]
[WHIMPERING]
[CREATU RE GROWLING]
[CREATU RE LAUGHS]
Prepare for the winter of your discontent!
KU MAR: Whoa! - Shit!
Fuck!
RAUGHS]
My God. We're gonna die.
No way, dude. Nobody dies while Claymated. It's a fact.
Dude, look out!
Oh, nobody dies while Claymated.
[HORN HONKING]
- I heard it's a fact. - Okay, fine. Theory debunked.
[GRUNTS]
Let's get out of here.
What's the matter? Afraid you'll catch a cold?
If this guy makes one more lame pun, I'm gonna kill myself.
Oh, my clay back!
[IN HINDI]
KUMAR [IN HINDI]:
HAROLD [IN HINDI]:
HAROLD [IN ENGLISH]: Every time I hang out with you, it's a disaster.
KUMAR [IN ENGLISH]: Wait. I just realized I can probably make my balls bigger too...
since I'm Claymated. HAROLD: You're such a fucking asshole.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
KUMAR: Look, Union Square. Let's hide in that tree.
[MAN YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
This is a really— This is a really beautiful tree.
Dude, come on!
[SIGHS]
HAROLD: Aw...
KU MAR: Aw...
Hey, little guy.
You hungry?
SQUIRREL: Mmm.
KUMAR: Look, Union Square. Let's hide in that tree.
[YELLING]
[ALL SCREAM]
Ice to see you.
All right, that is it. Hey, snowman!
Get yourself some mints because your breath is abominable.
[GROWLS]
Ha-ha-ha. Not bad, Roldy.
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]
[SQUIRREL YELLS]
Fuck me!
[SCREAMS]
[GIGGLES]
Dead squirrel.
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]
- It's coming! MAN: Wake up! Wake up!
- We're gonna die. We're gonna die. - What?
MAN: I told you not to aim for the face.
- Roldy! - Kumar!
- What the hell's the matter? ROSENBERG: What are you doing?
- Rosenberg. - Goldstein?
We were doing last-minute shopping with my boy here when we saw you...
tearing that snowman a new tuchus.
ROSENBERG: You are gonna catch your death...
of cold out here. Let's get you a nice meal.
Is there somewhere we can eat?
This is why I tell you not to have people over.
[WHISPERS] Every single other person got out of here except for us.
- [WHISPERS] I knew you'd bring that up. - You grabbed me.
You said, "Come with me if you want to live."
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[GIGGLING]
- Man, I don't think that's okay. - It's fine.
It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.
I'm on cocaine.
I'm addicted to cocaine.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Yo! Idiots!
I want you to find...
the men who violated...
my daughter...
and I want you to fucking kill them!
- Still hits the spot. HAROLD: I know, right?
Oh, I almost forgot. Harold, my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out.
So me and him, we're not gonna...
be able to make your party.
- I'm so sorry about that. - It's okay.
There's not really a— We should get going. We got a Christmas tree emergency.
I don't understand what it is with you people and your trees.
GOLDSTEIN: For us Christians...
the tree is a very important part of our holiday.
Okay, don't start with this. All right?
Just because your wife made you convert doesn't mean you're not a Jew!
His name is Seth Goldstein. For Christ's sake!
First of all, don't ever take the Lord's name in vain, not after...
how your people crucified my man. Secondly...
I was baptized, bitch!
The second the priest...
poured that holy water over me...
all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred just washed right off.
KUMAR: Sounds like you're enjoying your new religion.
Dude, it's the balls.
These dirty Jew bastards have...
no idea what they're missing.
Christmas! Easter! Fishing! Hunting! I tie knots on a sailboat.
I can get heartburn without thinking I'm having a stroke.
I'm loving me some Applebee's. I made terrible investments...
doesn't bother me a bit.
Miraculously, my mother is no longer a total bitch.
- Isn't that right? ls Grandma a bitch? - No.
No.
And guess what. Next week...
I have an appointment to get uncircumcised.
That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle.
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta go get this tree.
Christmas tree! Christmas tree!
It's glorious. Isn't it Christian?
Great to see you guys.
KUMAR: See you, guys. GOLDSTEIN: No, wait.
Excuse me!
You still owe me 87 cents for that jalapefio cheeseburger!
Ah! Guess that holy water didn't wash everything off, now did it?
HAROLD: God, that tree is perfect.
KU MAR: Let's go check it out.
Tickets, please.
I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.
They sold out months ago.
- But— - Step aside, please.
I said step aside.
Shit.
You know what? Fuck it, it's almost midnight. I give up.
You can't give up yet.
Look...
I have an idea on how we might get that tree out.
- What? - It's not gonna be easy.
But this may be the last chance we've got.
Here's what we do.
First, we need to steal some tickets.
Then I slip off to the side and take out the archbishop.
I head down to the nuns' shower room.
HAROLD: I didn't know the nuns all showered in the same room.
How do you think they stay so clean?
While the nuns are lezzing it out, I'm gonna snag the key to the back room.
HAROLD: What back room?
The back room that the priests are guarding. Am I going too fast?
- No. - Okay, good.
You're in charge of distracting them.
How the hell do I do that?
KUMAR: That's easy, you'll just use our secret weapon.
Pillow fight in the altar boys' room. Last one there's a rotten egg.
KU MAR: Once the coast is clear, we use the key to get into the back room.
I guard while you kill the power.
While everyone's trying to turn the power on...
you and I will get the tree.
We take it to your place, and when Maria's dad comes home...
and sees this beautiful tree...
in your living room, he'll jizz all over it.
What do you think?
INEZ: Uncle Harold.
I think I see Uncle Harold over there.
What do you mean, you see Uncle Harold?
Baby?
Oh, sorry, sir.
MR. PEREZ: It's okay, baby.
They all look alike to me too. Ha-ha-ha.
HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass. Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight!
Running out of time.
Wait, wait, wait! What the hell are we doing?
Hold on. What the hell's going on?
He almost spotted us! I'm supposed to be at home with the tree.
But why are you making such a big deal about this?
Because it is a big deal.
Who gives a shit what your father-in-law thinks?
I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks. You wouldn't understand.
No, dude, I don't understand.
You got a great job, you make good money, you don't beat your wife.
What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for?
- Well... - If I were you...
I'd tell him to eat a cockmeat sandwich.
You should not go through...
all this just to make him happy.
You're right, I don't have to.
I want to.
I want him to be happy because I want Maria to be happy.
Because what makes Maria happy is what makes me happy.
Don't you get it?
I don't have to be doing this.
I wanna be doing this.
What the fuck?
Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago! We need all bodies on-stage!
[BOTH YELL]
Oh, my God, you guys aren't even dressed? Jesus fucking Christ!
You have the wrong people.
Wardrobe!
Go! Come on, come on, come on! Shut up!
Ma'am, you seem like a very nice person.
BECCA: Go! Move!
Fucking actors.
ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]: And now, ladies and gentlemen...
without further ado...
the man... - Look at these firs.
You've all been waiting for:
America's sweetheart!
[SINGING] Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Holy shit. Neil.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Dance.
What?
Blend. Blend. Blend.
KUMAR: Harold. Wait!
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa-la-la, /a-Ia-la, la-la-la
Troll the ancient yuletide carol
Fa -la -la -la -la, la -/a
La-Ia!
You better watch out You better not cry
You better not pout I'm tel/in' you why
Santa Claus is comin'
To town
[GRUNTS]
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
[ALL GRUNTING]
HAROLD: Oh, my God!
So be good for goodness' sake
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Santa Claus is comin' to town
WAFFLEBOTS [SINGING]: I played my drum for him
Pa rum pum pum pum
Then he
Smiled at me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a /'IEIPPY
New Year
Merry Christmas, everyone!
DIRECTOR: All right, that's a cut. Great job
Great job. I've just got a few notes, okay?
Just gonna come on the stage.
Oh, God.
Fucking tight jeans.
NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing the heat, and you are bringing it hard.
You're a dream. I'm having...
a fabulous, amazing dream watching you perform.
But unfortunately...
these talentless fuck butt-crackers...
are ruining everything! You!
Jonbenet, I'm talking to you, sweetie.
Where'd you learn to dance, honey?
A fucking mini-mall in Des Moines?
This is...
the big time!
I will punch you in your face!
I can run it again.
No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.
Go and get some rest, huh? Make yourself fresh...
all right? Heh. And just remember...
you're a dream, and I'm having a big wet dream about you.
Okay? Ha, ha.
Take fucking five!
Damn it!
Hey, Gracie, chin up.
Happens to the best of us. You up for...
one-on-one rehearsing later? GRACIE: Wait.
You know my name?
Of course. You're doing great. I thought we could work on a thing or two.
- In my dressing room, five minutes. - Yes!
Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.
- I'll get changed and be right over. - I'll see you then.
You really think Neil can get us one of those trees?
After all we've been through with that guy, he better.
No shit.
REPORTER: Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.
Hollywood Hearsay. Is it true that you're replacing Regis?
NEIL: It'll be tough between...
How I Met Your Mother and charity work, but we'll see.
Oh, wow. And you stunned fans when you said you were gay.
How has this affected your relationship with your partner, David?
Well, maybe this'll answer your question.
So hot, NPH.
Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha. Hey. How about that?
Thank you. I love you guys.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Ugh. What did I tell you about using tongue?
You wanted it to look realistic.
Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit.
The only reason I put up with this homo crap is for the p-tang.
DAVID: Fuck this! I got a wife...
and kid. I'm out of here.
NEIL: Wait, man.
What about the stuff?
DAVID: What stuff? - The stuff.
Give me the stuff.
This stuff?
[PANTS]
Oh, yeah.
You'd like this bag of crack.
Wouldn't you?
Well, maybe I should give it to someone else.
You know I got Fred Savage on speed dial.
Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!
Give it to me. Come on, David, give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.
- Put money in my account. - You got it. Done.
- And sing at my niece's quinceafiera. - All right, I'll sing.
- You can't fuck her! - I can't promise.
- Fine. - No! All right!
I won't fuck her!
Just let me have the rock.
GRACIE: Excuse me, Neil?
Oh. Oh, this is—
I can come back later.
- No! No, I'm heading out. Ha, ha. - No, we were just— Hi.
Bye-bye, sweet pea.
- You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha. DAVID: Always.
You guys are too cute.
[MOUTHS] Fuck you.
Idoloveu.
That handsome man.
Thank you so much for this...
opportunity to work with you.
Sure. Come on in.
What would you like to rehearse?
Oh. Nothing specific. Just some general stuff.
You seemed tense. I thought we could loosen you up.
Take your sweater off.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, no, no.
For a massage. Heh.
David'll tell you, these hands are magical.
Well, I don't really have anything on underneath, $0...
Oh, it's okay. It's just a couple girlfriends.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Now take it off.
Okay.
Why don't you lay on the bed?
[SNIFFS]
- Ow. - Sorry.
[BOTH MOANING]
Feels good.
Yeah, it does feel good.
I can't... I can't...
- Can I take this bra off'? - Um...
- It's okay. Girlfriends. - Ha-ha-ha.
That's better.
Should we do something?
I don't know, I kind of wanna see what happens next.
Feels good.
Oh, it's so hard.
This knot on your back is so hard.
Look, don't be alarmed...
but I'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about...
35 seconds.
Excuse me?
- Shut up. - What the fuck?
Shut the fuck up!
Get the fuck off of me!
You like it rough? I can play that way.
God! I thought you were gay!
I am gay. Gay for that pussy.
Oh!
I don't know what sick game you're playing...
but touch me again, I'll rip your dick off!
[LAUGHING]
[GRUNTS]
Morty, Kumar, long time.
It's Harold, actually.
Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is.
Come on, have a seat.
How long has it been? You two look great. Have you lost weight?
Is that Hugo Boss? I love it.
Well, thanks. Listen, um...
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?
Shut up!
God, I hate this...
fucking PancakeBot thing.
Dude, it's a WaffleBot.
They're awesome.
WaffleThing.
Get the fuck...
out of my life!
Ouch.
[NEIL SIGHS]
Anyway...
what can I do for you, my burglars of turd?
Time-the-fuck-out. How are you still alive?
Yeah, how the fuck?
What are you talking about?
We saw you get shot.
You have to be more specific.
In that whorehouse.
In Texas.
You branded a prostitute.
Remember?
Oh, yeah!
Now I remember.
It hurt like he/I
at first
And then...
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
everything faded away.
And I went to heaven.
It was exactly...
like I imagined it
[CHATTERING]
Saint Peter was there...
to meet me.
Whoa. No way!
- NPH? _Yup_
ST. PETER: Make room! Make room! VIP!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
NEIL: The chicks were hot. The music was sick.
There were lasers.
It was like being famous...
in the early '90s.
BARTENDER: Yeah.
There he is. NPH.
- Where the hell am I? - More like where the heaven are you?
BARTENDER: What can we get for you? NEIL & BARTENDERS: Whiskey.
Straight up. And a glass of rocks on the side.
Thanks.
Hey, hey, look at that. NPH, Neil Patrick Harris.
Would you guys be excited to meet him?
Come on, girls. I'll introduce you.
Neil Patrick Harris. My man.
Welcome to...
heaven. Good to have you on board, NPH. - Hi.
Or you prefer Neil?
Uh, either way, it doesn't matter. Hey, ladies.
Neil Patrick Harris. I played Private Carl Jenkins...
in Starship Troopers.
Excuse me, uh, Neil. But I'm Jesus. So...
Jesus...?
Jesus Christ. That's me. I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.
Thanks. Couldn't do it without the little people.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Er— No.
NEIL: So, ladies, have you ever heard of something...
called the Kama Sutra? JESUS: Come on, Neil.
Don't play me like that.
I mean, I'm Jesus Christ.
- I practically run this place. - Oh. For reals?
JESUS: Yeah, yeah, for real.
- I mean, my dad owns it but— - Ha, ha. You're one of those.
Let's get shots. Keep the party going.
- Shots. JESUS: Yeah, thanks. Couple of shots.
- That went bad. - I thought it went good.
JESUS: So, girls...
Aw, come on.
How did that happen already?
Give me the phone to Dad.
GOD: This is God. - Daddy?
We need to 86 NPH ASAP:
He's getting a handjob in my club.
[MOANS]
Jesus, what a cockblock.
Doesn't explain the gay thing.
You're not gay, motherfucker.
At all.
RAUGHS]
That's a little something we magicians call "misdirection."
Little trick I learned...
from Clay Aiken. HAROLD: What?
Clay Aiken's not gay?
Clay's the biggest coozehound I know. That guy gets mad gash.
HAROLD: Neil, listen.
I was wondering if—
I can get you one of those Christmas trees?
Sure, no problem.
How'd you know that?
I can read your mind.
KUMAR All right.
You might be able to—?
Hook you up with a free WaffleBot? You know what? Take mine.
I hate that android fuck.
Don't call him that, dude. What's up, WaffleBot?
Waffles are awesome. Pancakes suck, right?
I hate pancakes.
I know, so do I.
Kumar.
Thanks, Neil.
- Thanks. NEIL: No problem.
Hey, merry Christmas, guys. We'll see you in the fourth one.
HAROLD: God, this is amazing. We're actually gonna make it home before they do.
- We saved Christmas, man. KUMAR: Mission accomplished.
- All right, put down the tree. Put it down. - Unh!
HAROLD: All right. - Waffle break?
All right. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. WaffleBot.
Dude, seriously...
these are incredible waffles.
Kumar and Waff/eBot friends forever.
Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot.
I love you
- ... Kumar. - Ha,ha.
I love you too, little guy.
HAROLD: What the fuck?
That is the weirdest fucking toy.
You're haPPY-
See? You're laughing. You're having fun. Admit it:
I'm more fun to hang outwith than Todd.
Todd and Ava. I totally forgot about them.
I'm sure they're fine, right?
It's going to voice-mail.
I think they're fine. Todd's a big boy.
He's probably putting her to bed or something.
Yeah. They're probably fine, right?
MADEA [ON TV]: Look at me, look at me!
Why wasn't you at school today?
I went to the park.
She lying-
MADEA: What was you doing? You supposed to be at school.
[BAG RUSTLING]
Little girl, I'm not gonna ask you no more.
NIKKI: I'm not smart like the other kids. I can't do that stuff.
MADEA: Who told you that?
NIKKI: My last foster mother.
She told me that the only thing I'm gonna be smart enough to do is lay on my back.
MADEA: The best revenge you can have on somebody that told you that...
[CRUNCHING]
is to prove them wrong. I went to that school and I got your homework.
TODD [WHISPERS]: Are you fucking kidding me?
["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS AS RINGTONE]
- Oh. - Oh.
Maybe that's Todd.
Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?
Oh, that's because Maria is—
- Hello? VANESSA: Kumar?
- Is that you? - Yeah.
Why are you calling Harold?
[SIGHS]
Can I just speak to him, please?
What? No.
I've been texting you.
I haven '1' heard back. What's going on?
Tell him I'm not gonna...
make it to his party tomorrow.
Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it—
She won't make it to your party. Too bad.
What else have you been doing behind my back?
Has she seen your dick? Is it bigger than mine?
Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay? Goodbye.
No, don't hang up the phone on me.
Hello?
Here's your phone.
What is that?
That's Vanessa, Todd, Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav.
Does everybody know about this party?
Listen, if you want you can come.
I don't wanna come to your shitty-ass party, dude.
I can't believe you'd invite Vanessa and not tell me.
Am I supposed to feel bad?
Maybe if you acted more like an adult, you'd get invited to adult parties.
Maybe you should go back to your fancy house...
with your douchey friends and gay-ass sconces.
I don't need to be part of this.
I love those sconces.
You know, I was really happy till you showed up today.
Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude.
- I'm out. - Fine with me.
Fine.
- Cool. - All right.
- Are we having lovers' quarrel? - Oh, shit.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
Kumar, my friend.
Oh, look.
A WaffleBot.
GUSTAV: Mary would...
love one of these. - Uh-huh.
GUSTAV: Grab it.
Oh, crap.
GUSTAV: Wake up!
Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up.
- Wake up. - Oh.
Oh, shit.
Please, I don't know what we've done, but please let us go.
After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?
That was a misunderstanding.
I'm freezing! Give us back our clothes.
Yuri, warm them up.
WAFFLEBOT: Kumar.
KUMAR: Please don't do that
Please, please, please. There is a very serious gas crisis...
in the world. Let's discuss. - Come on, man!
As they say in my country:
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
No, don't say "do svidaniya."
Yuri, light them up.
No, please don't light us up.
You didn't get the lighter.
You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee.
Nothing about lighter.
GUSTAV: You stupid...
fucking moron!
What do you think we light the gasoline with?
You know what, Gustav?
I'm sick and tired of your fucking passive-aggressive bullshit.
- You know what this is about? - What?
Tell me what is it about.
You can't take the fact that Sergei likes me better than you.
Oh, shit.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
[GUSTAV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Hey, guys, stop!
Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it
Now, look, I understand that you guys have your issues, okay?
But wasn't there a time you actually used to get along? You might be in...
a different time and place, but that doesn't change the fact that you...
have a long and probably beautiful history together.
Yeah, maybe one of you fucks up every now and again.
Happens.
Maybe he fucks up all the time.
Doesn't mean the other should forget about the good times.
Right.
Yeah, and maybe just because the other one.
Is trying to act like an adult...
and be responsible doesn't necessarily mean...
that he's being a fucking chode.
Maybe he's been a chode, caring more about bay windows...
and sconces than a lifetime of friendship.
What do you say, GUYS?
[SOBBING]
- Yeah, hug it out. - All right.
He)', guys.
How about you cut us out?
We'll go get ourselves a Christmas beer.
- A beer sounds great. HAROLD: Awesome.
[CHUCKLES]
GUSTAV: But first...
we have some killing to do.
Come on!
After we just had that breakthrough?
Sorry. Say your goodbyes. It'll all be over quick.
- Is this how we die'? - I think so, dude.
Bye, Kumar.
Bye, Harold.
WAFFLEBOT: Kumar.
Your waffles...
are ready. - WaffleBot?
These guys think pancakes are better than waffles.
I hate...
pancakes.
[GUN CLICKING]
They serve pancakes...
in hell
[SCREAMS]
Ooh!
BOTH: Holy shit!
You hurt my brother!
[GROANS THEN YELLS]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
KU MAR: Whoo!
[GRUNTS]
- How do we get out of these ropes? - WaffleBot.
Kumar.
Can you untie us?
Battery low
Losing...
power.
WaffleBot, look at me.
You can do this, man.
- Ha,ha. - Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot.
You're welcome, Kumar.
Pancakes are fucking gay.
Holy shit. That is the best Christmas toy ever.
HAROLD: I guess. It's extraordinarily...
unsafe, but it did save our lives.
- Listen, man, I— - Man, this—
- Aah! - Oh, my God.
Holy shit!
This is like that...
scene from A Christmas Story.
Is it like the scene from A Christmas Story?
I just saw this scene.
[HAROLD GRUNTING]
- Oh, fuck! - Okay, we need...
some sort of a warm liquid. I'll spit on it.
Don't fucking spit on my dick!
Fine. Can you pee on it?
Give me a second.
- It's not working. - Fine, I'll pee on it.
Don't pee on me!
Jesus! Well, then what the hell do—?
- Oh. Our clothes. - Oh.
Cool about the clothes.
My dick's stuck to a pole!
Dude, you're in luck. There's still coffee in here.
Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!
Okay, look, this is scalding hot coffee.
So I'm just gonna pour a little bit on. Probably gonna sting for a second.
- Get it over with! - All right.
Just let me just—
[SCREAMING]
- I'm sorry. - Fuck!
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude!
Oh, God, I ruined your dick!
You asshole!
Just walk it off.
Walk it off.
[WHISPERS] How long are we supposed to stay in here?
TODD [WHISPERS]: Until that fucking Russian sociopathic...
killing machine leaves.
They gave my daughter ecstasy.
[IN RUSSIAN]
I don't know Russian, but he seems a little upset.
I'd say so. Shh, shh!
ADRIAN: She's crashing hard.
We gotta give her more blow.
No, no! No more cocaine!
Ineedifl
- There's some. - Do not give her more!
Give it to me!
TODD: Ava, no! No, please!
Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!
ADRIAN: Dude, look.
Oh, this is not good!
Oh, this is not good.
Oh, this is not good!
Ava! Scooch to Daddy! Hide behind Daddy!
ADRIAN: New plan. Let's bash through the door.
You steal his gun.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
[SNIFFS]
[GRUNTS]
TODD: Yah!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm—
I'm so sorry. Wow.
I thought that would knock you out, obviously.
Look. We are...
two reasonable guys...
and...
[OBJECT THUMPS]
[THUDS]
These are dangerous, but, aw, it's a great workout.
You can really feel it.
Bis, pecs, this one.
TODD: Thank you, Adrian.
That was a really great team effort.
Who's my sidekick? You are.
Let's go.
Good girl! Let's go home! Let's go see Santa.
Oh, mints!
Mm.
HAROLD: Where the fuck are we?
Those guys weren't kidding. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Do you have any bars?
- I got no bars. - Shit. Nothing here.
Hello?
Anybody here?
Forget it. Just—
Forget it. It's past 2 a.m.
They're home, wondering where I am, where the tree is.
I just—
It's such a disaster, this fucking night.
Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude.
No. When Maria's dad...
was a young boy in Medellin- - Vanessa's pregnant.
What?
She told me earlier today. My reaction was not awesome.
I thought weed stunted fertility. That's why I quit.
Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.
Wait a second, that's why you quit weed?
Yeah, that's why I—
We've been trying for like a... For a year.
Oh, man.
Now I feel even worse about your dick.
I don't wanna—
How do we get out?
Igotanidea.
I saw this in a movie, man.
Just shoot this motherfucker, people come.
We can find people.
No, it's fine. Aah!
Now what?
I don't know.
[MAN GROANING]
No fucking way.
Santa, can you hear me?
Oh, what the fuck?
Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident. I'm gonna take a closer look.
Oh, God!
This isn't good.
Mr. Claus, can you feel...
any of this?
[BOTH YELL]
SANTA: Just let me die, please!
Let me die in peace!
No. Nobody's dying, Claus. Not on my watch.
Listen to me. I need you to go into Santa's gift bag...
get as many medical supplies as you can.
Oh, God!
Aah!
KU MAR: Ah, there.
I think that'll do it.
How do you feel, Mr. Claus?
Uh, a little woozy.
The morphine. It'll wear off.
Nice. But I...
think I'm okay.
Look, Santa, we're so sorry.
Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.
You two have always been good boys.
Tell that to my father-in-law.
Hey, man, I can take the blame for that, all right?
Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...
but I'm running a little late and I have all these...
presents to deliver.
So you guys need a ride or something?
Seriously?
KUMAR: Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!
It's not not awesome!
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
[SANTA CHUCKLES]
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]
[SANTA CHUCKLES]
Thanks for the ride.
I'm guessing...
you don't have a 12-foot Fraser fir?
Sorry. I can't help you there.
Besides...
I gave you your present.
- You did? SANTA: Yes.
You got my package, right?
The joint?
- That was you? SANTA: Yeah.
It was my little way of bringing you boys back together.
Dude...
I'd really like it if you came over tomorrow.
Won't be a party unless you're there.
It's about fucking time, Roldy.
I wouldn't miss it, man.
By the way, for what it's worth...
you'd make a great dad.
SANTA: Well, I guess...
this is goodbye, Roldy. Be a good boy...
next year.
All right.
No more jerking off into a sock filled with baby powder.
_I__ SANTA: Ha, ha. Don't worry.
I'm just teasing you.
I do it too.
RAUGHS]
On, Prancer! On, Comet! On, Blitzen! Hyah!
Merry Christmas, Roldy!
MR. PEREZ: Where's the tree?
It's, um...
Okay, what happened is that, um...
You said you were going to...
take care of it. Now where's the tree?
What happened to the tree is, uh...
I kind of burned it down.
That tree was a Perez...
family tradition.
You ruined Christmas!
Ha, ha. I ruined your—?
You ruined my Christmas, man!
Heh, heh. Do you know what happened?
Uh, I inadvertently introduced a baby to cocaine.
I was almost burned alive by Ukrainian gangsters.
I was drugged by...
asshole teenagers. Then I danced in a Christmas extravaganza.
And I'm a terrible dancer.
I almost had my dick ripped off.
And then I shot...
Santa Claus in the fucking face. He's real, and I shot him in the face.
Why?
Because I wanted you...
to have a perfect fucking Christmas.
Now, here's a newsflash:
This is my house.
Maria is my wife.
And if you want to be in our family...
you best show me some fucking respect.
Is that too much?
I like it.
- Really? - Look.
I always knew you were a nice guy.
But that's not enough to be with my Maria.
I didn't want her to be...
with some wimpy pussy.
But you
You showed me you got cojones.
Testicles, right?
Rosetta Stone.
- You know what? - What's that?
This coming Easter...
you guys come to my house.
That would really be great. Thank you, Carlos.
Mr. Perez.
[GULPS]
KUMAR Fuck!
Kumar!
Jesus!
I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell but I didn't want to wake your parents.
What—? What are you doing? You can't just—
Hold on. There's something...
I need to say to you, okay?
When you told me you were pregnant, I admit I was scared as shit.
The more I think about it, the more excited I am.
I mean, I love kids.
That's because you are a kid.
I know. But... Look, if you give me another chance...
I promise you I will go back to the medical board, I'll get my job back.
I'll even quit weed if I have to.
You'd quit weed?
Of course. I would do anything for you.
When I saw what Harold did for his family tonight...
it made me realize how important you are to me.
I wish I would've realized that sooner.
You don't have to do this.
I know I don't have to.
I want to.
Do me a favor.
Yeah, anything.
Don't quit weed.
What?
Just remember, next time you take a drug test...
use my pee.
I love you.
I love you too.
Let's have some sex before you get all fat on me.
[VANESSA CHUCKLING]
MARIA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Harold! Wake up! Baby.
- It's pink. - Oh, my God.
- It's pink. - It's a miracle.
It's a miracle.
[MR. PEREZ SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
MR. PEREZ: It's a miracle!
Isn't this the most beautiful tree you've ever seen?
I came downstairs this morning...
and here she was.
God bless us, everyone!
[ALL GASP]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
RAUGHS]
[English - US - SDH]