1
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:14,951
MALL SANTA: Oh, ha, ha. Well,
I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle.

2
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:19,330
And I'll see what I can do about
your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.

3
00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:21,666
All right. Merry Christmas!

4
00:01:21,833 --> 00:01:23,418
- Who's next?
- Santa!

5
00:01:23,585 --> 00:01:26,170
Kumar, no! Merry—

6
00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:27,964
WOMAN:
Back of the line, tech support!

7
00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:29,966
- Is this a joke?
KUMAR: Hold the fuck on.

8
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:32,760
Your son can rub his ass
on Santa's cock in a minute.

9
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,220
[ALL GASP]

10
00:01:34,721 --> 00:01:37,932
- What do you want for Christmas?
KUMAR: That's a really good question.

11
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,684
- Snoopy Sno-cone Machine.
- Done.

12
00:01:39,851 --> 00:01:40,935
- And a DeLorean.
- Yes.

13
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,478
Wu-Tang to get back together.

14
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,022
I'll tell the elves.

15
00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,815
This is just for my stockings.

16
00:01:45,982 --> 00:01:47,108
- For my present—
- Hey!

17
00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:49,819
Meet me at my sleigh
in half an hour, okay?

18
00:01:49,986 --> 00:01:52,030
You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa.

19
00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:53,448
- Ooh. Bong.
- Oh!

20
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,826
Right in the sugar plums.

21
00:01:57,285 --> 00:02:00,830
Okay. On the menu today, we have:

22
00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:02,624
Winter Wonder Weed.

23
00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:05,960
We have Rudolph
the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

24
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,378
Oh, it's a Weederful Life.

25
00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:09,839
God, does everything have
to be about Christmas?

26
00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:11,716
Hey, some people like the holidays.

27
00:02:11,883 --> 00:02:15,803
I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from
Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me out.

28
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:18,139
KUMAR:
What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout

29
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,557
A little more expensive.

30
00:02:20,266 --> 00:02:22,352
This is like Duvalier Dank from October.

31
00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:24,020
- I'll take it.
- Oh. Hello, gentlemen.

32
00:02:24,187 --> 00:02:25,521
KUMAR
Mm.

33
00:02:25,897 --> 00:02:26,898
- Shit.
- What?

34
00:02:27,065 --> 00:02:28,733
You have anything to smoke out of?

35
00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:35,239
[COUGHS]

36
00:03:07,939 --> 00:03:10,274
PROTESTERS [CHANTING]:
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

37
00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:13,444
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!

38
00:03:13,611 --> 00:03:15,279
KENNETH:
Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.

39
00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:19,450
Wait...

40
00:03:19,617 --> 00:03:20,827
more protesters?

41
00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:23,955
Do they really think we care
what poor people think?

42
00:03:24,122 --> 00:03:25,289
Kenneth, it's Christmas.

43
00:03:25,456 --> 00:03:27,917
They're out of work. You'd be upset too.

44
00:03:28,084 --> 00:03:29,961
Let's see how you did
on your assignment.

45
00:03:30,128 --> 00:03:33,381
I think I found the absolute best gift
for your father-in-law.

46
00:03:33,548 --> 00:03:36,342
And, Mr. Lee, I think you're
gonna be really pleased.

47
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:38,761
Ow.

48
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,596
Oh, my God.

49
00:03:40,763 --> 00:03:41,431
Hi.

50
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:43,057
This is a Sharp...

51
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,309
52" Aquos Quattron TV...

52
00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:48,104
with state-of-the-art 3D technology...

53
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:50,314
that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.

54
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:53,317
I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing
jumped the shark by now?

55
00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:54,986
Mr. Lee, you don't understand.

56
00:03:55,153 --> 00:03:56,988
This is the best 3D you've ever seen.

57
00:03:57,155 --> 00:03:58,865
It's gonna be amazing!

58
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,618
Who are you looking at?

59
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:08,958
Mr. Lee!

60
00:04:09,459 --> 00:04:10,793
Want me to call you a cab...

61
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,795
a town car, a limo? It's not safe...

62
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,797
out there.
- No, thanks, Kenneth.

63
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,841
I got a buddy picking me up.

64
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,969
One more thing!
Merry Christmas to you...

65
00:04:20,136 --> 00:04:21,596
Harold, and Happy New Year!

66
00:04:21,763 --> 00:04:22,638
Hey, over there.

67
00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:23,765
We got another one.

68
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,517
Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.

69
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,186
Hey...

70
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:31,022
angry protesters!
I just got a huge Christmas bonus...

71
00:04:31,189 --> 00:04:33,107
so you can suck my rich, yellow...

72
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:33,983
dick!

73
00:04:43,910 --> 00:04:46,162
[YELLS]

74
00:04:47,038 --> 00:04:47,705
Get him!

75
00:04:47,872 --> 00:04:48,706
[PROTESTERS CLAMORING]

76
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:55,338
[GRUNTING]

77
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:02,720
[SCREAMING]

78
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:10,937
[WHIMPERING]

79
00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:21,197
HAROLD:
Dude!

80
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:22,698
Open the door!

81
00:05:23,074 --> 00:05:24,659
Unh. Thank God you're here.

82
00:05:25,451 --> 00:05:27,453
I thought those hippies
were gonna kill you.

83
00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:30,665
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!

84
00:05:30,832 --> 00:05:32,208
Just drive. Todd, drive.

85
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,336
No, no, no! No, no, no!

86
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:36,045
Oh, great.

87
00:05:36,212 --> 00:05:37,588
Now we're getting tinkled on.

88
00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:39,757
- It's just urine. It'll wash out.
- Oh, Harry.

89
00:05:39,966 --> 00:05:42,343
Tinkle on the windshield
is the grossest thing...

90
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,095
that has ever happened to me.

91
00:05:46,097 --> 00:05:47,098
Ugh.

92
00:05:47,265 --> 00:05:49,225
[RETCHES]

93
00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:57,066
It smells like shit in here.

94
00:06:07,994 --> 00:06:08,744
Hey...

95
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,413
neighbor.
- Hey, man.

96
00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:11,789
What's up? What are you—?

97
00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:14,792
You're here a little early.
You didn't go to the bathroom?

98
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,002
No, Why?

99
00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,211
[TOILET FLUSHES]

100
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:18,504
I made a mess.

101
00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:20,089
ADRIAN:
Right. Don't talk about it.

102
00:06:20,256 --> 00:06:21,465
What the hell's going on?

103
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:23,259
Relax. It's not what it looks like.

104
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:26,846
Unless it looks like I rent your bathroom
for homeless people to shit in.

105
00:06:27,013 --> 00:06:28,347
Then it's what it looks like.

106
00:06:28,723 --> 00:06:29,807
The fuck?

107
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,642
It's the coffee at the shelter.

108
00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:33,102
It's powerful, man.

109
00:06:33,269 --> 00:06:36,355
Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year.

110
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,190
Okay, next, please. Move.

111
00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:39,442
No. Hey, no.

112
00:06:39,609 --> 00:06:41,652
I was gonna
split the profits with you...

113
00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:45,156
which at a buck a dump,
comes out to be 40 bucks.

114
00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:47,700
- I don't wa— Seriously, 40 bucks?
- Yeah.

115
00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:50,786
Oh. That reminds me. Remember that chick
I met on the Internet?

116
00:06:50,995 --> 00:06:53,873
- The one with the huge clit?
- No, not Clitzilla.

117
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:54,665
[GRUNTS]

118
00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:58,085
- I'm talking about Mary.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Virgin Mary.

119
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,504
Yes, exactly. Well, get this.
She wants me...

120
00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:03,049
to deflower her.

121
00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:04,717
Tonight. Christmas Eve.

122
00:07:04,884 --> 00:07:07,345
At a party she's throwing
in Manhattan. Best part:

123
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,472
- You're coming with me.
- No can do, man.

124
00:07:09,639 --> 00:07:12,725
I gotta stay here and smoke this weed,
otherwise I won't get high.

125
00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,185
Why not ask your roommate?

126
00:07:14,352 --> 00:07:16,854
Because you're the best.
I don't wanna go with him.

127
00:07:17,021 --> 00:07:20,024
I already asked him. He said no.
He's spending Christmas...

128
00:07:20,191 --> 00:07:21,859
with his stupid girlfriend.

129
00:07:22,193 --> 00:07:24,987
Mm. This is what happens.
They get a girlfriend...

130
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,031
then they get married...

131
00:07:27,198 --> 00:07:29,116
then you never hear from them again.

132
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:32,536
Fuck it, I'm in.

133
00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:33,829
Yes.

134
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,540
TODD:
What are we doing here, Harry?

135
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,209
You know what Dr. Oz says?

136
00:07:38,376 --> 00:07:39,919
Guys our age need to watch...

137
00:07:40,086 --> 00:07:41,712
our cholesterol.
- Yeah, I know.

138
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:45,549
I'm in for a really stressful weekend.
I just needed some comfort food.

139
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,886
Don't get too comfortable. Keep your
game face on for your father-in-law.

140
00:07:49,053 --> 00:07:50,721
- Did you stock the fridge?
- I did.

141
00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:53,391
- With ethnic items that he might need?
- I did.

142
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,226
- Did you Pledge the banister?
- Check.

143
00:07:55,393 --> 00:07:57,186
- Did you get the potpourri balls?
- Yes.

144
00:07:57,353 --> 00:07:59,021
Letting him have the master bedroom?

145
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:00,606
No.

146
00:08:00,773 --> 00:08:03,067
Harry. Unh! No, no, no.

147
00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:04,735
Might have S'ed the bed on that.

148
00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:07,029
You can curse in front of me.
Baby's not here.

149
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:08,739
I know. Force of habit. Just—

150
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,075
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.

151
00:08:11,409 --> 00:08:14,412
- That's a Mr. Pibb, Sprite, Diet Coke suicide?
MAN: Correct.

152
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,872
- There you go.
- Thank you, kind sir.

153
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:19,917
Oh, by the way,
you got shit all over your car.

154
00:08:21,002 --> 00:08:23,587
Thank you for the update.
Don't appreciate the language.

155
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,756
Everybody's got a potty mouth
these days.

156
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,050
It is a G-D shame.

157
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:30,011
And they'll burn in H.

158
00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:37,768
TODD: Wow, the Jewish neighbors
must hate this.

159
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,563
Well, Harry. Harry.

160
00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:42,023
You have outdone yourself.

161
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,566
HAROLD:
If you knew Maria's dad...

162
00:08:43,733 --> 00:08:45,443
you'd pull out all the stops too.

163
00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:47,611
Has not accepted you
as part of the family?

164
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:51,824
No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of
Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...

165
00:08:51,991 --> 00:08:53,617
all the work, he appreciates it.

166
00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:54,869
Oh, so smart.

167
00:08:55,036 --> 00:08:56,704
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

168
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:58,247
Oh. Jinx.

169
00:08:58,414 --> 00:09:01,333
You always do that.
You keep doing it. It's crazy.

170
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,794
Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.

171
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:05,129
Or both.

172
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,007
Maria!

173
00:09:08,424 --> 00:09:10,801
Oh, hi there.
Somebody's looking...

174
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,554
uh, very merry today.

175
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,598
Somebody is also...

176
00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:17,641
ovulating.

177
00:09:18,184 --> 00:09:19,435
Um...

178
00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:23,647
Your dad is gonna be here any minute,
though. Honestly, that's—

179
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:26,650
- Baby. Then let's get to it.
- Oh!

180
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,569
Because when they get here...

181
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:32,782
we are going to have no private time.

182
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,408
I don't know if we should.

183
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,994
Now, come on and fuck a baby into me.

184
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,205
Okay, I will.

185
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,581
[HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES]

186
00:09:41,207 --> 00:09:43,542
Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.

187
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:46,712
If it's a baby I gotta give you,
it's a baby you're gonna get.

188
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:48,839
[DOORBELL RINGS]

189
00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:50,174
BOTH:
Shit.

190
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,178
Go. Go.

191
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:56,931
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

192
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,599
Be cool.

193
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,271
Carlos, Merry Christmas.

194
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:07,233
Hello, Harold.

195
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:10,486
You made the drive in record time.
Didn't speed, did you?

196
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:13,823
[GULPS]

197
00:10:14,365 --> 00:10:15,866
Empanadas?

198
00:10:17,076 --> 00:10:18,327
Where's Maria?

199
00:10:18,494 --> 00:10:19,286
HAROLD:
She's upstairs...

200
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:20,788
getting read)'

201
00:10:20,955 --> 00:10:22,206
Can I get you a beer?

202
00:10:22,373 --> 00:10:23,582
What the hell is that?

203
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,712
HAROLD:
She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.

204
00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,297
This is our Christmas tree.

205
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:31,590
Is it fake?

206
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,551
It's faux, actually.

207
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,261
You celebrating real Christmas...

208
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,221
or a faux Christmas?

209
00:10:37,388 --> 00:10:38,889
Real Christmas?

210
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:41,225
Then why the hell
would you buy a faux tree?

211
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,060
It's an investment, really.

212
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:44,311
MARIA:
Daddy.

213
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:45,771
Daddy!

214
00:10:46,272 --> 00:10:47,064
God.

215
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,232
MARIA:
I've missed you!

216
00:10:48,399 --> 00:10:49,066
[MARIA GASPS]

217
00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:50,734
And the whole family...

218
00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:51,819
is here.

219
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:52,778
[MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

220
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,113
Hi...

221
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,322
everybody!

222
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:56,574
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

223
00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,159
Oh, God.

224
00:11:00,411 --> 00:11:02,079
Oh. I guess Timo...

225
00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,247
made parole.

226
00:11:03,414 --> 00:11:05,082
Uh, not exactly.

227
00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:07,835
Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!

228
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:09,295
[CHUCKLES]

229
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,130
You take it.

230
00:11:11,297 --> 00:11:13,591
You people are real good
with those things.

231
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,094
HAROLD:
It's just the weekend.

232
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,805
It's just the weekend.

233
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,768
NARRATOR [ON TV]:
Has this ever happened to you?

234
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:26,145
This stupid waffle's stuck.

235
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:27,938
[GRUNTING]

236
00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,273
MOM:
Oh, my God! Billy!

237
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,608
- Heh-heh-heh.
MOM: George, call 911!

238
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:31,775
This is fucked up.

239
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:32,860
NARRATOR:
How about this?

240
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:34,695
[GIRL SCREAMS]

241
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,323
Well, it doesn't have to any more.

242
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,617
Introducing WaffleBoz'.

243
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:41,827
BOTH:
WaffleBot!

244
00:11:43,287 --> 00:11:45,789
<i>NARRATOR:
Just pop the top, let that batter drop</i>

245
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:47,833
and Waff/eBoz' does the rest.

246
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:49,793
Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.

247
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:53,005
BOTH:
Thanks, WaffleBot!

248
00:11:53,214 --> 00:11:54,965
WAFFLEBOT
love you.

249
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,175
<i>NARRATOR:
Get the Christmas</i>

250
00:11:56,342 --> 00:11:58,385
toy of the season while they're hot.

251
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,179
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

252
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,015
KUMAR:
I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!

253
00:12:03,224 --> 00:12:05,726
VANESSA:
Kumar! It's Vanessa.

254
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,480
Hey. Looks like somebody missed me.

255
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,315
Come on in.

256
00:12:11,482 --> 00:12:13,817
Since when do you have a beard?

257
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,904
I actually have not shaved since you left.
Pretty romantic.

258
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:19,406
Kind of like Ryan Gosling
in The Notebook.

259
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,659
VANESSA:
When's the last time you cleaned?

260
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,661
Like three months ago.

261
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:24,870
Less romantic?

262
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,330
Little bit, yeah.

263
00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:28,832
I'm sorry, where are my manners?
Here. Here.

264
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:29,750
Oh, no, no, no.

265
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,335
No, I shouldn't.

266
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:32,503
Of course you should.

267
00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:34,380
Kumar, I really need to talk to you.

268
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:37,758
I'm pregnant.

269
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:38,884
[COUGHS]

270
00:12:39,051 --> 00:12:40,344
You're pregnant?

271
00:12:40,678 --> 00:12:41,720
We—

272
00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,013
We practiced safe sex.

273
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,014
[SCOFFS]

274
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:46,100
I mean, I pulled out
and came on your back.

275
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:47,559
A couple squeaks got by...

276
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,687
but is that all it takes?
- Yes.

277
00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,564
That's all. No wonder
you flunked out of med school.

278
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:55,276
I didn't flunk out of med school.
I failed a drug test.

279
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:56,568
How do I even know...

280
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:57,861
that the baby's mine?

281
00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:00,364
I haven't slept with anyone
since we broke up.

282
00:13:00,698 --> 00:13:02,032
Nice.

283
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:04,201
What do you want to do about it?

284
00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:05,536
All right, um...

285
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:07,871
[CHUCKLING]

286
00:13:14,295 --> 00:13:16,463
This is the part
where the kid's tongue...

287
00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:17,923
gets stuck to a pole. Ha, ha.

288
00:13:18,716 --> 00:13:20,384
Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry.

289
00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:24,805
Um, are we having a conversation right now,
or are you watching A Christmas Story?

290
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,598
Both. No.

291
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,143
- I mean—
- You know what? I knew you...

292
00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:31,103
couldn't handle this.
- I'm sorry.

293
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,396
I'm really high.

294
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:35,774
This is not about you being high.
This is about you being immature.

295
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:38,110
It's why I couldn't stay here any more.

296
00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:40,404
You are perfectly fine
creating a mess...

297
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,906
but when it comes
to cleaning one up...

298
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,491
you're MIA.

299
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:45,784
Give me a half hour...

300
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:46,994
to sober up.

301
00:13:47,411 --> 00:13:48,704
Fuck.

302
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,624
[CHATTERING]

303
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,587
Dad, you good?
You need a drink or—? No? Okay.

304
00:13:56,754 --> 00:13:57,755
[MR. PEREZ GROWLS]

305
00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:02,718
- Maria. I love you.
- Ha,ha.

306
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,094
Glad your family's here.

307
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,346
I'm just wondering...

308
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:09,308
how we're gonna deal with the Christmas
party with all these extra guests.

309
00:14:09,475 --> 00:14:11,477
We'll make it work.
We have plenty of room.

310
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,187
Okay.

311
00:14:13,354 --> 00:14:14,188
I'm sorry.

312
00:14:14,355 --> 00:14:15,814
I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.

313
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:17,191
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

314
00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:18,442
Harold.

315
00:14:18,609 --> 00:14:20,361
Hey, speaking of guests...

316
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,738
are you sure you don't
wanna invite Kumar?

317
00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:26,533
Kumar? You kidding me?
I haven't seen that guy in years.

318
00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:27,534
MARIA:
Kumar has been...

319
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:30,537
your friend for a long time.
- It is perfectly normal.

320
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:33,457
People lose half their friends
every seven years.

321
00:14:33,624 --> 00:14:35,292
It's not like I don't have friends.

322
00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:38,128
- Todd? Yeah, he's a lot of fun.
- At least he doesn't...

323
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:40,381
create a disaster everywhere he goes.

324
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,132
[IN SPANISH]

325
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:43,300
Ah, okay.

326
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:46,011
[IN SPANISH]

327
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:47,304
[ALL GASP]

328
00:14:49,807 --> 00:14:51,392
[IN ENGLISH]
Rosetta Stone.

329
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,519
A lifesaver.

330
00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:02,820
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

331
00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:04,988
KU MAR:
Be right there!

332
00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:17,334
Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.

333
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,089
[GRUNTS]

334
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,715
Maybe we can—

335
00:15:24,675 --> 00:15:25,843
Are you sure we have to...

336
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,011
throw it out?
- This tree is a cancer.

337
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,556
We have to get rid of it
before it kills Christmas.

338
00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:32,182
Very intense wording.

339
00:15:32,558 --> 00:15:34,560
[WHISTLES THEN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

340
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,357
MARIA:
Wow! Oh, my God.

341
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:42,693
I can't believe you brought the tree.
Ha-ha-ha.

342
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,945
Am I missing something?

343
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,281
Every Christmas we use a tree
that Dad grew.

344
00:15:47,448 --> 00:15:49,366
- Oh.
MR. PEREZ: Twelve-foot Fraser fir.

345
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,743
Look at the branch distribution.

346
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:52,578
Oh, I see.

347
00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:53,871
Hey, hey!

348
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:55,789
She's very delicate.

349
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:58,250
I've been growing her for eight years.

350
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:02,546
Eight years, wow. I never knew
Christmas trees were such a big deal.

351
00:16:03,881 --> 00:16:04,923
Oh, God.

352
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,383
Not a big deal?

353
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:08,719
Let me tell you a story, Harold.

354
00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:10,554
Growing up in Medellin...

355
00:16:10,721 --> 00:16:14,141
my family was too poor
to celebrate Christmas properly.

356
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:16,810
Every year I would pray to God:

357
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:21,440
"Please, let me wake up and find a big,
beautiful Christmas tree. "

358
00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:23,066
And every Christmas...

359
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,569
I was heartbroken.

360
00:16:25,736 --> 00:16:28,739
When my mother finally
moved me to America...

361
00:16:28,906 --> 00:16:30,741
she promised me we would have...

362
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:34,620
a Christmas tree every Christmas
from then on.

363
00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:38,957
But one week before that first Christmas,
while walking home from work...

364
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:40,959
she was violently attacked...

365
00:16:41,126 --> 00:16:43,128
by a gang of Korean punks.

366
00:16:46,924 --> 00:16:47,925
[GRUNTS]

367
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:54,389
[GRUNTS]

368
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,810
They stabbed her multiple times.

369
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:01,104
- Fucking kill her!
- Whoo!

370
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:05,651
She bled to death.

371
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:06,944
So I guess...

372
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:10,781
you could say, yes,
a Christmas tree is a big deal.

373
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:12,115
Oh, my God.

374
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:16,453
- [WHISPERS] Why didn't you tell me?
- [MOUTHS] I'm sorry.

375
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,413
Pepe! Where are the ornaments?

376
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:19,248
I don't know.

377
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,624
My eyes are all fucked up.

378
00:17:20,791 --> 00:17:23,794
You can't celebrate Christmas
with a naked tree! It's indecent!

379
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,837
Maria, forget about midnight Mass.

380
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,839
Tonight, we're decorating the tree.

381
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:30,425
Oh, Daddy, I wanted
to spend tonight in the city...

382
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,802
with you 9113/3

383
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,095
Wait.

384
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,389
I got this.

385
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:39,643
I'll take care of the tree.
You have a family night in Manhattan.

386
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,645
No. No, no, no.

387
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:43,647
We brought the tree all the way down.

388
00:17:43,814 --> 00:17:45,857
It has to look perfect
on Christmas morning.

389
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:50,529
Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what
you want and I'll take care of it.

390
00:17:50,696 --> 00:17:52,990
When you come back,
the tree will be decorated.

391
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:56,493
This house, I promise you,
is gonna be perfect.

392
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,912
[MARIA CHUCKLES]

393
00:18:05,836 --> 00:18:09,047
ADRIAN: You know, I like the beard,
but I love clean-shaven you.

394
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:11,341
You look like an Indian Don Draper.

395
00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,051
What did Vanessa do to suck...

396
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,678
the life out of you...

397
00:18:14,845 --> 00:18:16,054
this afternoon?

398
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:20,017
I don't have anyone else to confide in.
I might as well tell you. Uh...

399
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:21,685
Vanessa's pregnan—

400
00:18:21,852 --> 00:18:22,686
A queefer.

401
00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:24,730
- What?
- I knew it.

402
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:28,400
I used to date this black chick,
she used to queef every time we had sex.

403
00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:31,528
It was ridiculous.
I used to call her Queen Laqueefa.

404
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,364
When was the last time
you saw this guy?

405
00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:36,408
- Two years ago.
- So...

406
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:39,870
why are we dropping off this package?
You said this guy was a chode.

407
00:18:40,037 --> 00:18:43,040
He is, all right? I just—
I don't want his shit in my place.

408
00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:44,875
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

409
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:47,210
Can we put on some Wu-Tang?

410
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:50,088
What? No. No Wu-Tang, okay?
Christmas music. I like it.

411
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:51,840
Because you weren't brought up...

412
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:53,884
normal, doesn't mean
you should ruin it.

413
00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:55,010
You're Jewish.

414
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:55,844
I know, right?

415
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:56,720
[RAISES VOLUME]

416
00:18:56,887 --> 00:18:57,763
[ADRIAN SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]

417
00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:01,099
KUMAR:
Sure this is the right address?

418
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:05,312
Whoa. Looks like your ex-boyf's
moving up in the world. Heh.

419
00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:07,272
I guess.

420
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:10,108
I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna drop this off.

421
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:17,074
Big house, lot of bathrooms.

422
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,743
Lot of poopies, lot of money.

423
00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:21,078
Daddy likes.

424
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:40,138
[GRUNTS THEN GROANING]

425
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:42,683
Fuck!

426
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,606
Kumar?

427
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,776
Hello, Harold.

428
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,113
- Hey!
- Hey!

429
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:58,281
- Hey.
- I was—

430
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,659
- How are you? Good to see you.
- Oh, hey.

431
00:20:01,118 --> 00:20:03,120
- How you doing?
- Good to see you too. Good.

432
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:07,624
You got a package that came for you
at the apartment. So I was dropping it off.

433
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,127
Oh. Okay, cool.

434
00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:12,713
You look terrific. You lose weight?

435
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,425
No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually.
This is a really nice house.

436
00:20:18,009 --> 00:20:19,553
No. You know.

437
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,348
Do you want to come in for a drink...

438
00:20:23,515 --> 00:20:24,683
or something?

439
00:20:24,850 --> 00:20:25,976
Um...

440
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,521
[ON RADIO]
Christmas, Christmas

441
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:30,731
Do you not have time?

442
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:31,898
- Oh.
- Oh.

443
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:36,486
- Come in, come in. Come in. Come on.
- Sure.

444
00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:39,156
Watch your step, it's icy there.

445
00:20:40,991 --> 00:20:42,743
E99n09? Empanadas?

446
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,454
Uh... Sure. Yeah.

447
00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:48,665
Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.

448
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:50,834
Oh. Thank you. Yeah.

449
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:55,213
Bay window is brand-new, actually.
We just put that in last week.

450
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:57,883
The sconces are new.
Sconces are actually brand-new.

451
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:03,388
Yeah, I was gonna say, it looks like
you guys got some awesome sconces.

452
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,682
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.

453
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:08,185
So, what's up with this package?

454
00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:11,438
HAROLD:
My name and your address. That's weird.

455
00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:13,273
I haven't lived there for so long.

456
00:21:13,482 --> 00:21:15,025
I know. That's strange.

457
00:21:16,777 --> 00:21:17,986
HAROLD:
Whoa.

458
00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:23,784
Ooh.

459
00:21:25,869 --> 00:21:26,870
HAROLD:
What the hell is this?

460
00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:29,080
That's a gigantic joint.
What do you think?

461
00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:30,499
HAROLD:
Is this a joke?

462
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,709
- No. I swear.
- Did you do this?

463
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:34,753
Had I known, I would have smoked it.

464
00:21:35,253 --> 00:21:36,546
Is there a—?

465
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,256
No return address.

466
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:41,593
I don't even see any stamps on this.

467
00:21:42,219 --> 00:21:43,428
What are you doing?

468
00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:44,387
Getting not low.

469
00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:45,889
No smoking in this house.

470
00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:48,308
What? What douche came up
with that rule?

471
00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:50,268
HAROLD:
This douche did.

472
00:21:57,776 --> 00:21:58,902
That was good shit.

473
00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:00,779
HAROLD:
I don't care, okay?

474
00:22:00,946 --> 00:22:02,155
I don't smoke any more.

475
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:03,782
- What?
- I just felt...

476
00:22:03,949 --> 00:22:05,867
that a lot of times when I got high...

477
00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:08,161
things would go really wrong. 80...

478
00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:11,331
But, Harold, weed is so good.

479
00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:12,791
It gets you high.

480
00:22:12,958 --> 00:22:14,543
I got nothing against weed, okay?

481
00:22:14,709 --> 00:22:17,295
Had plenty of fun times with weed.
But I'm an adult now.

482
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:20,423
And frankly, I'm kind of glad that
the craziness is behind me.

483
00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:22,676
Do you smell something burning?

484
00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:25,095
BOTH:
Oh, shit!

485
00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:26,847
KU MAR: Oh, shit.
- Shit.

486
00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:28,265
Shit!

487
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:30,600
It's spreading. It's spreading!

488
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:32,102
Here.

489
00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:34,271
Bah,bah,bah!
Not the throw pillows!

490
00:22:34,437 --> 00:22:35,564
Seriously?

491
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:39,693
I did it anyway!

492
00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:41,111
HAROLD:
What the fuck?

493
00:22:47,284 --> 00:22:48,034
Shit!

494
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:49,369
HAROLD:
Maria's dad will kill me!

495
00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:50,328
Stop yelling!

496
00:22:50,495 --> 00:22:52,455
We gotta get rid of this tree!

497
00:22:53,123 --> 00:22:54,165
Okay.

498
00:23:06,553 --> 00:23:09,389
That's why you gotta buy those
faux trees. They last forever.

499
00:23:09,556 --> 00:23:11,224
[PANTING]

500
00:23:11,975 --> 00:23:13,727
Calm down.
It's just a Christmas tree.

501
00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:14,978
"Just a Christmas tree"?

502
00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:17,355
Maria's dad grew that tree...

503
00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:18,982
and now it is dead.

504
00:23:19,149 --> 00:23:22,444
Koreans have killed his mother,
and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.

505
00:23:22,611 --> 00:23:23,820
Christmas isn't ruined.

506
00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:25,864
Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.

507
00:23:26,031 --> 00:23:28,617
They're gonna come home from Mass
and expect to see...

508
00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:31,328
a decorated tree,
but they are gonna see that.

509
00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:34,372
Dude, you're overreacting.
There's plenty of tree lots.

510
00:23:34,539 --> 00:23:36,917
We'll drive around
till we find the right tree.

511
00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:38,418
We're not gonna do anything.

512
00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:42,380
You know what? Um, this is my fault.

513
00:23:42,547 --> 00:23:44,799
I take full responsibility.
Please leave.

514
00:23:44,966 --> 00:23:47,093
I will take care of this. Thank you.

515
00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:49,137
- I don't mind helping out—
- I got it.

516
00:23:49,679 --> 00:23:50,889
- We have a van—
- I got it.

517
00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:54,684
Okay. You got it.

518
00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:57,270
- You need anything, just give me—
- Merry Christmas.

519
00:24:00,899 --> 00:24:02,025
Merry Christmas, Harold.

520
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:07,822
What the fuck took so long?

521
00:24:07,989 --> 00:24:09,532
Nothing. Let's just go.

522
00:24:09,699 --> 00:24:13,203
You never told me Harold was Asian.
I always pictured an old white guy.

523
00:24:19,084 --> 00:24:21,878
TODD: Freeze! This is a robbery.
Give me all your friendship.

524
00:24:22,045 --> 00:24:23,463
Oh, wow, look at that.

525
00:24:23,672 --> 00:24:25,757
You know, it's kind of better
than a window.

526
00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:27,926
It's like a stained-glass
window of paper.

527
00:24:28,093 --> 00:24:29,260
Any luck with the tree?

528
00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,721
- Oh, you brought Ava.
- Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava.

529
00:24:31,888 --> 00:24:33,556
It's "3D."

530
00:24:33,723 --> 00:24:34,265
Hmm?

531
00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:35,433
Daddy-Daughter Day.

532
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,602
You can't back out
of Daddy-Daughter Day...

533
00:24:37,769 --> 00:24:40,397
because Emma says that
leads to abandonment issues...

534
00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:43,066
and then stripping and meth
and biker boyfriend.

535
00:24:43,233 --> 00:24:44,401
- All bad things.
- Ah.

536
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:46,611
- The tree, though.
- Yes, so I called-

537
00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:47,612
[BABY CRYING]

538
00:24:47,779 --> 00:24:49,698
Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.

539
00:24:50,365 --> 00:24:52,200
[SINGING]
The itsy bitsy spider

540
00:24:52,367 --> 00:24:53,576
Crawled up the water spout

541
00:24:53,743 --> 00:24:55,120
They say that singing is...

542
00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:57,414
the best way to communicate
with a child.

543
00:24:57,580 --> 00:24:58,873
I guess I haven't found...

544
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,583
the right song for her yet.

545
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:02,585
That's too bad. Uh, the tree?

546
00:25:02,752 --> 00:25:04,838
The tree. Right. So I called them.

547
00:25:05,005 --> 00:25:06,423
They had one 12-foot fir left.

548
00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:08,925
- And I reserved it.
- You got it?

549
00:25:09,092 --> 00:25:11,928
- Yeah.
- Yes! You should have led off with that.

550
00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:13,763
I know. I don't know why I didn't.

551
00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:15,765
- Okay, good. Let's go.
- Whoo!

552
00:25:15,932 --> 00:25:16,850
You know.

553
00:25:17,017 --> 00:25:18,268
Okay. Next time.

554
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:24,649
Now, before this party...

555
00:25:24,816 --> 00:25:26,443
we got to talk about your game.

556
00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:29,988
Heh. The last time you hit on a chick,
you had to ask for her beeper number.

557
00:25:30,155 --> 00:25:31,281
[ADRIAN CHUCKLES]

558
00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:32,949
Get it?

559
00:25:34,951 --> 00:25:36,077
Aw, dude, turn in there!

560
00:25:36,619 --> 00:25:38,246
Really? A tree farm'?

561
00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:43,710
"Best selection"...

562
00:25:43,877 --> 00:25:44,544
my ass.

563
00:25:44,753 --> 00:25:46,880
It's Christmas Eve, okay?
What do you expect?

564
00:25:47,047 --> 00:25:48,298
KUMAR:
If I was a tree farmer

565
00:25:48,465 --> 00:25:51,134
I'd be embarrassed.
These trees are ghetto.

566
00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:52,469
What the fuck that mean?

567
00:25:52,844 --> 00:25:53,887
[LATRELL CHUCKLES]

568
00:25:54,054 --> 00:25:56,473
He's just playing.
How you doing? I'm Latrell.

569
00:25:56,890 --> 00:25:58,224
Hello. Kumar.

570
00:25:58,391 --> 00:26:00,977
This here's my partner in crime, Lamar.

571
00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:04,439
Ah!

572
00:26:04,606 --> 00:26:06,399
- So you two own this tree lot?
LAMAR: What?

573
00:26:06,566 --> 00:26:10,236
A couple of brothers can't sell trees?
Only swing from them like monkeys?

574
00:26:10,403 --> 00:26:13,740
What? No! Of course not.
You could do both.

575
00:26:13,907 --> 00:26:15,408
- What?
- What?

576
00:26:15,575 --> 00:26:17,577
My boy here gets cagey
during the holidays.

577
00:26:17,744 --> 00:26:20,580
Heh, heh. Word. Word.
My boy here, same way.

578
00:26:20,747 --> 00:26:22,832
Cagey as shit. Right, boy?

579
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:26,002
If you're looking for trees,
you should know we do custom work.

580
00:26:26,169 --> 00:26:29,005
Here's one we did for Ja Rule.
Ha-ha-ha.

581
00:26:29,172 --> 00:26:29,881
Ooh. We'll take it.

582
00:26:30,048 --> 00:26:30,715
Pow.

583
00:26:30,882 --> 00:26:33,802
- Ooh. How much is that?
LATRELL: That tree'? Sorry.

584
00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:35,303
Just got reserved.

585
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:37,305
I really need it. I'll pay double.

586
00:26:37,472 --> 00:26:38,848
LAMAR:
Oh, I got you now.

587
00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:41,392
You think you can buy
the black man's soul.

588
00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:43,603
Like we some Wayne Brady-ass
niggers, right?

589
00:26:43,895 --> 00:26:44,604
Triple.

590
00:26:44,979 --> 00:26:46,314
I'll get the rope.

591
00:26:46,523 --> 00:26:47,857
- Quadruple.
- Stop.

592
00:26:48,024 --> 00:26:49,651
Sold.

593
00:26:50,693 --> 00:26:51,319
[FINGERS CRACK]

594
00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:55,907
Can we drop this tree off at Sulu's
and head to the city?

595
00:26:56,116 --> 00:26:58,409
KUMAR:
Just hold on a second, all right?

596
00:26:58,618 --> 00:26:59,869
I see what you're doing.

597
00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:01,329
Forget about her.

598
00:27:01,496 --> 00:27:02,747
- Think about me.
- All right.

599
00:27:02,914 --> 00:27:06,417
Hold on. We'll drop the tree off
and then we'll go get you your virgin.

600
00:27:06,918 --> 00:27:08,044
Yeah.

601
00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:12,340
We got another customer.

602
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,760
Can I play angry black guy this time?

603
00:27:15,927 --> 00:27:17,679
Aw, come on. You just played it.

604
00:27:17,846 --> 00:27:19,180
And I got triple the money.

605
00:27:19,347 --> 00:27:21,224
Come on, please? Come on!

606
00:27:21,391 --> 00:27:22,392
TODD [SINGING]:
Three French hens

607
00:27:22,559 --> 00:27:23,601
HAROLD:
Would you stop?

608
00:27:23,768 --> 00:27:24,769
TODD:
I wish I could stop

609
00:27:24,936 --> 00:27:26,187
Sorry, I'm trying my best

610
00:27:26,354 --> 00:27:27,438
Hi. You guys in charge?

611
00:27:28,731 --> 00:27:32,443
Yeah. What the fuck is it to you,
motherfucker?

612
00:27:32,652 --> 00:27:33,778
Gaz"s coming out

613
00:27:33,945 --> 00:27:35,363
That was so good. Ha, ha.

614
00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:37,907
We're just here to pick up a tree
that we reserved.

615
00:27:38,074 --> 00:27:39,200
- We called.
LATRELL: Oh, yeah?

616
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:41,953
We just sold your little
punk-ass tree, bitch!

617
00:27:42,162 --> 00:27:43,079
HAROLD:
What? You sold it?

618
00:27:43,246 --> 00:27:43,788
To who?

619
00:27:43,955 --> 00:27:45,790
Those white boys over there.

620
00:27:48,209 --> 00:27:49,294
Fuck!

621
00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:50,211
H9)'-

622
00:27:50,420 --> 00:27:51,713
TODD:
Aah! Where are we going?

623
00:27:52,172 --> 00:27:54,924
HAROLD: Maybe if we catch up to them,
they'll sell the tree to us.

624
00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:55,925
TODD:
Good idea!

625
00:27:57,927 --> 00:27:58,595
LATRELL:
I'm sorry.

626
00:27:58,761 --> 00:28:00,722
- You lost your gangsta grill.
- I know.

627
00:28:00,889 --> 00:28:03,141
- How you gonna be a gangsta?
- I'm not one.

628
00:28:03,308 --> 00:28:06,186
- I gotta wear those tomorrow.
- I know.

629
00:28:06,436 --> 00:28:08,646
- You know I love you, right?
- I think you do.

630
00:28:08,813 --> 00:28:11,065
- I don't know why, but I love you.
- Thank you.

631
00:28:11,232 --> 00:28:13,610
TODD:
Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down...

632
00:28:13,776 --> 00:28:15,612
because we got precious cargo...

633
00:28:15,778 --> 00:28:17,780
and it is very icy out there.

634
00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:20,825
- What? I don't see any ice.
- You've never heard of black ice?

635
00:28:20,992 --> 00:28:24,078
It's like the worst ice there is.
Black ice, it's everywhere.

636
00:28:24,245 --> 00:28:26,331
Relax. I can feel the road.
It's not that bad.

637
00:28:28,082 --> 00:28:29,250
Yo, slow down, man.

638
00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:32,503
- You're going a little fast.
- I gotta get to this party ASAP:

639
00:28:32,712 --> 00:28:35,089
Pussy's not like yogurt.
It has an expiration date.

640
00:28:35,256 --> 00:28:36,841
Yogurt has an expiration date.

641
00:28:37,008 --> 00:28:39,844
Does it? Damn it. Okay.
That explains a lot.

642
00:28:40,011 --> 00:28:41,679
It was really sour.

643
00:28:41,846 --> 00:28:43,848
But yogurt is sour,
so how was I to know?

644
00:28:44,515 --> 00:28:46,351
Are you really hot? I'm, like, hot...

645
00:28:46,517 --> 00:28:47,769
but I'm cold— Hello?

646
00:28:47,936 --> 00:28:49,270
You're not looking at me.

647
00:28:49,437 --> 00:28:51,481
I should look at the road
and you look at me.

648
00:28:51,648 --> 00:28:52,815
- It's opposite.
- Watch out!

649
00:28:53,107 --> 00:28:54,150
ADRIAN:
Ow, ow.

650
00:28:54,317 --> 00:28:55,151
[BOTH SCREAMING]

651
00:28:56,986 --> 00:28:57,862
Holy shit!

652
00:28:58,029 --> 00:28:58,696
TODD:
Black ice!

653
00:28:58,863 --> 00:28:59,948
Black ice! It's real!

654
00:29:00,365 --> 00:29:01,699
ADRIAN:
Oh, shit!

655
00:29:01,866 --> 00:29:03,326
Oh, my God!

656
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:05,161
Don't just scream!

657
00:29:05,328 --> 00:29:06,454
You're just screaming!

658
00:29:06,621 --> 00:29:07,538
That's not helpful!

659
00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:10,458
Oh, shit!

660
00:29:19,550 --> 00:29:20,468
Holy shit!

661
00:29:20,635 --> 00:29:21,552
Oh, Harry, stop!

662
00:29:22,345 --> 00:29:25,265
ADRIAN:
Aw... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.

663
00:29:29,269 --> 00:29:30,228
Oh, my ass.

664
00:29:30,395 --> 00:29:34,399
I am so going to tweet about that.
Heh-heh-heh.

665
00:29:34,565 --> 00:29:36,567
You guys all right?
How are you alive?

666
00:29:37,193 --> 00:29:37,902
Harold?

667
00:29:38,361 --> 00:29:39,404
Kumar?

668
00:29:39,696 --> 00:29:42,031
That was you at the tree farm?
You took my tree?

669
00:29:42,865 --> 00:29:45,076
- So you killed two trees in one night.
KUMAR: Hold on.

670
00:29:45,285 --> 00:29:47,161
That is a perfectly salvageable tree.

671
00:29:47,996 --> 00:29:49,080
[YELLS]

672
00:29:50,290 --> 00:29:52,583
That was a perfectly salvageable tree.

673
00:29:52,792 --> 00:29:56,754
That was the only 12-foot Fraser fir
left in the fucking state.

674
00:29:56,921 --> 00:29:57,714
Fuck your tree!

675
00:29:57,880 --> 00:29:58,923
What about my car?

676
00:29:59,090 --> 00:30:00,258
I got a virgin to fuck!

677
00:30:00,425 --> 00:30:01,884
Who is this? Who is Glasses?

678
00:30:02,051 --> 00:30:03,928
Heh. Nice, Harry.

679
00:30:04,554 --> 00:30:06,806
- This is my friend, Adrian.
HAROLD: Oh.

680
00:30:07,181 --> 00:30:08,182
He's young.

681
00:30:08,349 --> 00:30:09,892
- Thank you.
- Don't respond to him.

682
00:30:10,059 --> 00:30:11,519
TODD:
Why the I-I...

683
00:30:11,686 --> 00:30:13,271
did you F-wads...

684
00:30:13,438 --> 00:30:17,442
take the tree that we had
specifically called and reserved?

685
00:30:17,608 --> 00:30:18,776
Who is this toolbox?

686
00:30:18,943 --> 00:30:20,945
This is my friend, Todd.

687
00:30:21,112 --> 00:30:23,114
Oh, yeah? What kind of friend?
Best friend?

688
00:30:23,323 --> 00:30:26,451
- I wouldn't say best— Yes.
- Yeah. Yep. Besties.

689
00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,286
That's awesome.

690
00:30:28,453 --> 00:30:29,579
Buddy.

691
00:30:29,746 --> 00:30:30,913
Homey.

692
00:30:31,456 --> 00:30:32,749
This was fun. But I got...

693
00:30:32,915 --> 00:30:34,292
a hot date in the city.

694
00:30:34,459 --> 00:30:35,626
You have to take me.

695
00:30:35,835 --> 00:30:36,794
What? No.

696
00:30:36,961 --> 00:30:39,922
- We're not taking you anywhere.
- Not going through any tunnels.

697
00:30:40,089 --> 00:30:42,717
Dude, you are not depriving me of this:

698
00:30:42,884 --> 00:30:46,137
Hey, Adrian.
I can't wait to finally meet you.

699
00:30:46,346 --> 00:30:48,890
I'm going to rock your world.

700
00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:50,725
I promise...

701
00:30:50,892 --> 00:30:52,435
it will be worth the wait.

702
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:56,814
Wait, look at this fir.

703
00:30:56,981 --> 00:30:58,900
I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.

704
00:30:59,067 --> 00:31:00,318
Shut up. The tree.

705
00:31:00,485 --> 00:31:01,944
It's like Maria's dad's tree.

706
00:31:02,111 --> 00:31:04,322
- It's magnificent.
ADRIAN: I'll make you a deal.

707
00:31:04,489 --> 00:31:06,616
Take me to the party,
I get you that tree.

708
00:31:06,783 --> 00:31:08,159
No. It's already very late.

709
00:31:08,368 --> 00:31:09,619
Shut the fuck up, Todd!

710
00:31:09,786 --> 00:31:11,162
This doesn't concern you!

711
00:31:11,371 --> 00:31:13,331
- Easy.
- He can not— He is not allow—

712
00:31:13,498 --> 00:31:15,249
HAROLD:
Hey. Calm down. Calm down.

713
00:31:15,416 --> 00:31:18,336
I'm running out of time.
I gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m.

714
00:31:18,503 --> 00:31:20,463
Work with me. Listen.

715
00:31:20,630 --> 00:31:21,923
I'm not driving for nothing.

716
00:31:22,090 --> 00:31:24,175
Make sure we can get the tree,
you got a deal.

717
00:31:24,384 --> 00:31:25,009
Done.

718
00:31:26,177 --> 00:31:26,928
Hey, douche?

719
00:31:27,095 --> 00:31:27,637
Yeah?

720
00:31:27,804 --> 00:31:28,346
Shotgun.

721
00:31:28,513 --> 00:31:29,263
Oh.

722
00:31:29,514 --> 00:31:30,681
Scr—

723
00:31:30,890 --> 00:31:32,392
S you. S you.

724
00:31:34,685 --> 00:31:35,686
"S"?

725
00:31:35,895 --> 00:31:37,355
- "S you"?
- "Screw you."

726
00:31:37,522 --> 00:31:38,981
- Oh, right.
TODD: Screw you!

727
00:31:40,983 --> 00:31:43,194
"Harry"? Gotta be kidding me.

728
00:31:45,279 --> 00:31:46,155
The tree is removable?

729
00:31:46,322 --> 00:31:48,282
OPERATOR:
Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

730
00:31:48,449 --> 00:31:51,160
- Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good.
- Please hang up—

731
00:31:51,327 --> 00:31:52,328
We can have the tree?

732
00:31:52,495 --> 00:31:53,496
She said it?

733
00:31:53,663 --> 00:31:54,705
She said that, yes.

734
00:31:55,123 --> 00:31:57,125
- Great. Let's go.
- Okay.

735
00:31:59,419 --> 00:32:02,463
What is he doing? What is he doing?

736
00:32:03,131 --> 00:32:04,006
What are you doing?

737
00:32:04,507 --> 00:32:05,299
What?

738
00:32:05,466 --> 00:32:06,717
My daughter's in there!

739
00:32:06,926 --> 00:32:07,468
What?

740
00:32:07,635 --> 00:32:09,887
- Oh, shit!
HAROLD: What the fuck, Kumar?

741
00:32:10,054 --> 00:32:11,139
I didn't see her.

742
00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:12,515
You got my baby high!

743
00:32:12,682 --> 00:32:14,475
HAROLD:
You got his baby high.

744
00:32:14,642 --> 00:32:15,810
Hold on a second.

745
00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:19,397
Nobody gets high the first time they
smoke weed. Don't you know anything?

746
00:32:19,564 --> 00:32:20,815
[GIGGLING]

747
00:32:21,149 --> 00:32:22,316
TODD:
Okay, great.

748
00:32:22,483 --> 00:32:24,360
Now she has the giggles.

749
00:32:24,652 --> 00:32:26,362
- Sorry.
TODD: If Emma finds out...

750
00:32:26,529 --> 00:32:27,572
we won't be able...

751
00:32:27,738 --> 00:32:28,990
to come to the party.

752
00:32:29,323 --> 00:32:30,032
What party?

753
00:32:30,575 --> 00:32:31,993
Oh, it's just a work...

754
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,077
Christmas party...

755
00:32:33,244 --> 00:32:34,495
kind of thing.

756
00:32:34,662 --> 00:32:35,246
Right, Todd?

757
00:32:35,455 --> 00:32:36,873
Yeah. It's gonna be...

758
00:32:37,039 --> 00:32:38,082
classic.

759
00:32:38,249 --> 00:32:38,916
[YELLING]

760
00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:41,377
Okay, great. Now she's having a bad trip.

761
00:32:41,544 --> 00:32:42,712
HAROLD:
Try singing again.

762
00:32:42,879 --> 00:32:44,088
It never works.

763
00:32:44,255 --> 00:32:45,756
- Hey. Hey.
HAROLD: What are you doing?

764
00:32:47,091 --> 00:32:47,758
H9)'-

765
00:32:48,050 --> 00:32:49,969
[RAPPING]
If you want beef, then bring the ruckus

766
00:32:50,553 --> 00:32:51,554
Wu-Tang C/an ain't

767
00:32:51,721 --> 00:32:52,763
Nothin' to fuck with

768
00:32:52,972 --> 00:32:53,890
Straight from

769
00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:55,766
The motherfucking slums that's busted

770
00:32:55,975 --> 00:32:57,435
<i>Wu- Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with</i>

771
00:32:57,602 --> 00:32:58,478
Ahh.

772
00:33:00,521 --> 00:33:02,231
Dude, you baby-whispered her.

773
00:33:02,607 --> 00:33:04,233
TODD:
I do not care for the language...

774
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:05,735
but that was impressive.

775
00:33:05,902 --> 00:33:07,028
What singing group...

776
00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:08,613
is that?
- The Wu-Tang Clan.

777
00:33:08,779 --> 00:33:10,740
The Gu-Ga— The Wu-Gang Band?

778
00:33:10,907 --> 00:33:12,533
Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.

779
00:33:12,700 --> 00:33:13,367
TODD:
Harry.

780
00:33:13,534 --> 00:33:15,953
When did you turn into
Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?

781
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,622
KUMAR:
There's a lot you don't know

782
00:33:17,788 --> 00:33:18,581
about Harry, huh?

783
00:33:18,789 --> 00:33:19,957
TODD:
Excuse me?

784
00:33:20,124 --> 00:33:21,959
- Was that directed to me?
KUMAR: Yeah, douche.

785
00:33:22,126 --> 00:33:23,544
Okay. Taken.

786
00:33:24,921 --> 00:33:26,797
I got the munchies.

787
00:33:27,006 --> 00:33:27,924
TODD:
Now we have to...

788
00:33:28,090 --> 00:33:30,384
stop and get some
disgusting food for her.

789
00:33:30,551 --> 00:33:33,429
So she can come down
from her trip. Fantastic.

790
00:33:54,575 --> 00:33:58,246
Oh, by the way, if anybody asks,
I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.

791
00:33:58,412 --> 00:33:59,413
- What?
- What?

792
00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:02,625
It's just this lie I sort of got caught in.

793
00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:05,253
Also, I told her you work
for the White House.

794
00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:07,004
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.

795
00:34:07,171 --> 00:34:07,964
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

796
00:34:08,130 --> 00:34:08,965
[CHATTERING]

797
00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:10,258
[BIG BOl'S "DADDY FAT SAX"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

798
00:34:11,968 --> 00:34:13,427
ll' is I, the B-I-G, the B-O-I

799
00:34:13,594 --> 00:34:15,638
TODD:
Well, I spy with my little eye...

800
00:34:15,805 --> 00:34:18,683
three felonies that I can see
in this room right now.

801
00:34:18,849 --> 00:34:19,684
Four

802
00:34:20,184 --> 00:34:22,937
That's it. That's our tree. It's perfect.

803
00:34:23,187 --> 00:34:24,855
- It's better than the photograph.
- Ha,ha.

804
00:34:25,064 --> 00:34:25,982
HAROLD:
It's perfect.

805
00:34:26,148 --> 00:34:26,816
Hey, Glasses.

806
00:34:26,983 --> 00:34:30,111
- Find the girl, get the tree. Come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

807
00:34:31,571 --> 00:34:32,863
Yo, yo, yo!

808
00:34:33,197 --> 00:34:35,324
What it is, pimp, player...

809
00:34:35,491 --> 00:34:36,284
et cetera?

810
00:34:36,450 --> 00:34:38,828
- What's up? Where's Mary?
TEEN: I don't know...

811
00:34:38,995 --> 00:34:41,789
dude, but if I was you,
I would steer clear.

812
00:34:41,956 --> 00:34:43,874
Does she have a tail
or something? What?

813
00:34:44,083 --> 00:34:47,336
Don't listen to these guys.
It takes balls to do what you're doing.

814
00:34:47,503 --> 00:34:48,504
You're freaking me out.

815
00:34:48,671 --> 00:34:50,298
- What is wrong with her?
TEENS: Ha-ha-ha.

816
00:34:50,464 --> 00:34:52,091
MARY:
Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?

817
00:35:09,984 --> 00:35:11,569
Wow, you look just like

818
00:35:11,736 --> 00:35:12,737
your profile pic.

819
00:35:12,903 --> 00:35:14,405
You look better. Hi.

820
00:35:14,614 --> 00:35:16,907
You're hot, girl.

821
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:18,242
Thank you.

822
00:35:19,118 --> 00:35:22,246
So do you, like, want to see my room?

823
00:35:22,413 --> 00:35:23,914
Hey, hey. What about the tree'?

824
00:35:24,123 --> 00:35:24,999
I'll get it.

825
00:35:25,166 --> 00:35:28,085
Just give me a minute,
all right, man? Probably less. Heh.

826
00:35:28,252 --> 00:35:29,503
But hopefully more. Heh.

827
00:35:29,670 --> 00:35:30,921
[WHISPERS]
Probably less.

828
00:35:31,130 --> 00:35:32,340
You owe me a tree, punk.

829
00:35:33,382 --> 00:35:34,592
[BABY FARTS AND GIGGLES]

830
00:35:34,759 --> 00:35:36,719
Ugh. Ugh.

831
00:35:36,886 --> 00:35:39,388
Oh, great. Great. This is just great.

832
00:35:39,555 --> 00:35:42,099
- I've got to find a place to change a diaper.
- Oh, God.

833
00:35:42,266 --> 00:35:46,020
Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams
would like to help with some poopy?

834
00:35:46,187 --> 00:35:47,188
Wu-Tang, dude.

835
00:35:47,355 --> 00:35:48,147
Woo-hoo.

836
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:51,442
Your little friend better get me a tree.

837
00:35:51,859 --> 00:35:53,653
I'm sorry about him, dude. I—

838
00:35:55,905 --> 00:35:57,198
BORIS:
Hey, grandpa!

839
00:35:57,365 --> 00:35:59,075
- Toss it back.
KUMAR: Who you calling...

840
00:35:59,241 --> 00:36:01,285
grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30.

841
00:36:01,452 --> 00:36:03,204
Wanna start? I'll kick your ass...

842
00:36:03,371 --> 00:36:04,372
right now.

843
00:36:04,538 --> 00:36:05,581
Karate Kid style.

844
00:36:05,748 --> 00:36:06,415
KU MAR:
Really?

845
00:36:06,582 --> 00:36:08,417
Which Karate Kid are you referring to?

846
00:36:08,584 --> 00:36:12,755
There's only one Karate Kid and it stars
Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.

847
00:36:12,922 --> 00:36:13,923
What?

848
00:36:14,090 --> 00:36:15,675
Generation Z, here's your ball.

849
00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:20,262
Who invited these fucking losers?

850
00:36:20,429 --> 00:36:22,264
Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?

851
00:36:22,431 --> 00:36:25,226
She promised us we could have that tree.
Okay? Thank you.

852
00:36:25,393 --> 00:36:26,143
What?

853
00:36:26,310 --> 00:36:28,145
Fuck that! I don't care...

854
00:36:28,312 --> 00:36:31,148
what my sister said.
I'm not letting you take our tree.

855
00:36:31,315 --> 00:36:33,150
Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.

856
00:36:33,317 --> 00:36:34,485
HAROLD:
Come on.

857
00:36:34,694 --> 00:36:37,238
We're here to pick up the tree,
then we're out of here.

858
00:36:37,405 --> 00:36:38,656
It's a bit of an emergency.

859
00:36:38,823 --> 00:36:40,950
Tell you what, we'll play you for it.

860
00:36:41,325 --> 00:36:42,159
If you beat us...

861
00:36:42,326 --> 00:36:43,452
you get the tree.

862
00:36:43,619 --> 00:36:47,832
If we beat you, we kick your asses out and
take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.

863
00:36:47,998 --> 00:36:50,626
I'm sorry, do you want us
to play you in beer pong?

864
00:36:50,793 --> 00:36:53,337
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys
haven't heard of it before.

865
00:36:53,504 --> 00:36:54,296
KUMAR:
Oh, no, no

866
00:36:54,463 --> 00:36:56,006
We've heard of it, dude. Yeah.

867
00:36:56,215 --> 00:36:58,676
Except, see, in our day,
it was called Beirut.

868
00:36:58,843 --> 00:37:00,761
And we didn't have the rollback rule...

869
00:37:00,928 --> 00:37:02,346
like you pussies have today.

870
00:37:02,513 --> 00:37:06,934
I remember the day they announced the rule.
Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it.

871
00:37:07,351 --> 00:37:09,145
You remind me a lot of that guy...

872
00:37:09,311 --> 00:37:10,855
except you're shorter.

873
00:37:11,021 --> 00:37:12,356
And he had pubes.

874
00:37:12,648 --> 00:37:13,941
Oh, my God. I'm so excited.

875
00:37:14,817 --> 00:37:15,943
All my other friends...

876
00:37:16,110 --> 00:37:17,862
lost their virginity in 7th grade.

877
00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:19,530
I can't believe it's happening.

878
00:37:19,739 --> 00:37:23,033
What's the deal? Why isn't everybody
at school trying to sleep with you?

879
00:37:23,242 --> 00:37:25,870
Are you kidding? No guy at school
will even touch me.

880
00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:27,163
Why won't they?

881
00:37:27,496 --> 00:37:28,998
Probably because they're scared.

882
00:37:29,165 --> 00:37:30,875
Well, I don't get scared.

883
00:37:31,041 --> 00:37:33,210
Scared of—
What are they scared of, though?

884
00:37:33,377 --> 00:37:34,879
Hey! Enough talk.

885
00:37:38,549 --> 00:37:39,341
Gonna hit this?

886
00:37:39,508 --> 00:37:41,260
Yes. I Will. Hit it.

887
00:37:42,970 --> 00:37:45,389
Aah. It's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.

888
00:37:45,556 --> 00:37:47,558
- What?
- Never mind. Heh.

889
00:37:47,767 --> 00:37:49,769
Forget it. Heh.

890
00:37:51,854 --> 00:37:54,815
Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed.
Daddy is gonna get you—

891
00:37:55,191 --> 00:37:57,193
Aah! Okay, I need this room...

892
00:37:57,359 --> 00:38:00,529
for a serious diaper situation.
So I will ask you to stop...

893
00:38:00,696 --> 00:38:03,407
doing that.
- Smush that pussy! Unh!

894
00:38:03,657 --> 00:38:04,366
Smush my pu$$V!

895
00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:05,242
GUY:
I'm coming!

896
00:38:05,409 --> 00:38:07,077
- Oh, my God.
GUY: Oh, I'm coming!

897
00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:09,371
Baby, blow me.

898
00:38:11,165 --> 00:38:12,041
Ugh.

899
00:38:14,919 --> 00:38:15,878
[HAROLD GRUNTS]

900
00:38:16,212 --> 00:38:17,838
A boom batta, these pockets...

901
00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:18,881
getting fatter.

902
00:38:19,048 --> 00:38:19,715
You guys...

903
00:38:19,882 --> 00:38:21,217
got nothing on me.

904
00:38:22,009 --> 00:38:24,303
Dude, I need this tree.

905
00:38:25,054 --> 00:38:25,888
I know.

906
00:38:26,055 --> 00:38:28,724
- We hit this, we win.
BORIS: No matter. There's no way...

907
00:38:28,891 --> 00:38:31,268
you sinking this ball.
Not in my house.

908
00:38:31,435 --> 00:38:33,437
Shut this motherfucker up,
would you?

909
00:38:39,026 --> 00:38:40,110
- Time.
- What?

910
00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:44,281
Show him the old "Roldy Roll."

911
00:38:44,448 --> 00:38:46,909
It's too risky.
I haven't done that in forever.

912
00:38:47,076 --> 00:38:49,620
No, dude, come on. You got this. Feel it.

913
00:38:57,878 --> 00:38:59,380
[WHISPERS]
Hello, old friend.

914
00:39:01,549 --> 00:39:02,341
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Clear.

915
00:39:22,236 --> 00:39:23,153
[CROWD CHEERING]

916
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:25,447
We won!

917
00:39:25,614 --> 00:39:27,157
Who are those guys?

918
00:39:27,366 --> 00:39:30,160
I don't know,
but they're fucking studs.

919
00:39:33,956 --> 00:39:34,999
[ADRIAN MOANS]

920
00:39:35,958 --> 00:39:40,004
I know this is your first time,
so I'm gonna be extra gentle.

921
00:39:44,300 --> 00:39:45,009
Who's that?

922
00:39:45,509 --> 00:39:46,969
Oh, that's just my dad.

923
00:39:48,679 --> 00:39:49,763
Why does he look...

924
00:39:49,930 --> 00:39:50,973
so familiar?

925
00:40:00,649 --> 00:40:01,817
[GROANING]

926
00:40:08,949 --> 00:40:10,034
[LAUGHING]

927
00:40:15,414 --> 00:40:16,999
[GRUNTING]

928
00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:31,388
That's not good. No.

929
00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,557
Hey, are we gonna do this or what?

930
00:40:33,724 --> 00:40:35,935
Yeah, we are, but your dad
is Sergei Katsov? Heh.

931
00:40:36,435 --> 00:40:38,979
Not again. Oh, my God.
This happens every goddamn time.

932
00:40:39,146 --> 00:40:39,980
No,no,no.

933
00:40:40,147 --> 00:40:41,065
Give your dick.

934
00:40:41,231 --> 00:40:42,858
Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.

935
00:40:43,025 --> 00:40:43,901
Wait, I almost got it.

936
00:40:44,068 --> 00:40:46,570
It really hurts.
You're digging your nails into it! Aah!

937
00:40:47,738 --> 00:40:49,073
Are you going soft on me?

938
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:50,157
Uh-uh.

939
00:40:50,324 --> 00:40:51,742
You better not go soft on me!

940
00:40:51,951 --> 00:40:53,410
I'm not, it's just hard.

941
00:40:53,577 --> 00:40:55,079
Aah! And it really, really hurts.

942
00:40:55,245 --> 00:40:57,164
Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah!

943
00:40:57,581 --> 00:40:58,666
So how do we do this?

944
00:40:59,249 --> 00:41:01,543
KUMAR: There's gotta be
a freight elevator or something.

945
00:41:01,710 --> 00:41:04,546
- We take the ornaments off, or...?
- We could.

946
00:41:04,713 --> 00:41:08,884
Hey, guys. I just wanted to say
that was an epic match.

947
00:41:09,093 --> 00:41:10,761
- Good win.
- Thanks, kid.

948
00:41:10,970 --> 00:41:12,513
I'm sorry I was such a dick...

949
00:41:12,680 --> 00:41:15,099
to you guys.
I thought you were old assholes.

950
00:41:15,975 --> 00:41:16,934
But real talk...

951
00:41:17,101 --> 00:41:19,603
you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.

952
00:41:19,770 --> 00:41:22,439
- Thanks.
- No, no. Come on. Don't.

953
00:41:22,606 --> 00:41:25,901
Roldy, the kid is acknowledging
the error of his ways. Respect that.

954
00:41:28,028 --> 00:41:29,989
Come on, man, it's Christmas.

955
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:31,573
Thanks, kid.

956
00:41:31,782 --> 00:41:33,200
- All right.
- Cheers.

957
00:41:33,367 --> 00:41:34,868
HAROLD: Cheers.
- Cheers.

958
00:41:35,577 --> 00:41:37,913
Mm. It's good.

959
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,875
Why don't you guys just sit down
and I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you.

960
00:41:42,042 --> 00:41:43,293
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.

961
00:41:43,502 --> 00:41:44,503
Appreciate it.

962
00:41:46,422 --> 00:41:48,424
Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!

963
00:41:49,008 --> 00:41:49,758
Have you kids...

964
00:41:49,925 --> 00:41:52,594
never seen VH1's Behind the Music?

965
00:41:53,012 --> 00:41:53,929
Do you not know...

966
00:41:54,096 --> 00:41:58,142
what cocaine can do to the mind
of a person as young as you?

967
00:41:58,308 --> 00:41:59,059
[SNEEZES]

968
00:42:02,062 --> 00:42:03,605
[GIGGLES]

969
00:42:08,652 --> 00:42:10,779
[OVER SPEAKERS]
Unh, reporting live from the kitchen

970
00:42:10,946 --> 00:42:12,489
With a brand-new swag

971
00:42:12,656 --> 00:42:14,241
Dude, do you feel kind of weird?

972
00:42:14,408 --> 00:42:17,286
Yeah, I do, actually.
My face is feeling kind of numb.

973
00:42:17,453 --> 00:42:18,495
Oh, fuck.

974
00:42:18,662 --> 00:42:20,164
The kids put something in here.

975
00:42:20,330 --> 00:42:21,915
Was it drugs? Was it semen?

976
00:42:23,042 --> 00:42:24,168
[GARGLES]

977
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,253
It doesn't taste like semen.

978
00:42:27,254 --> 00:42:28,756
MARY:
Uh! You fucking...

979
00:42:28,922 --> 00:42:30,758
loser!
- Give me another chance!

980
00:42:30,924 --> 00:42:32,342
I'm begging you!

981
00:42:32,551 --> 00:42:34,595
I'm really, really, really sorry!

982
00:42:35,679 --> 00:42:39,016
That we had sex too well too often.

983
00:42:39,183 --> 00:42:41,351
"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.

984
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:42,478
Somebody is gonna...

985
00:42:42,644 --> 00:42:45,064
fuck me tonight! You!

986
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,317
Oh, no. Ha. Married.

987
00:42:48,484 --> 00:42:49,860
- He's single.
- Hi. Kumar.

988
00:42:50,069 --> 00:42:51,153
I don't date black guys.

989
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:52,696
- What? Whoa!
MARY: Unh!

990
00:42:52,946 --> 00:42:54,823
- What are you doing?
MARY: Getting you ready.

991
00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:56,700
- Get her off me!
- Right, sorry, sorry!

992
00:42:56,867 --> 00:42:58,285
Uh, I'm not gonna let you...

993
00:42:58,452 --> 00:43:01,163
rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
He's married.

994
00:43:01,330 --> 00:43:02,623
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

995
00:43:02,790 --> 00:43:04,875
[CHATTERING]

996
00:43:09,171 --> 00:43:10,380
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

997
00:43:10,714 --> 00:43:12,007
Who the fuck are you?

998
00:43:13,383 --> 00:43:14,343
[GROANS]

999
00:43:14,510 --> 00:43:15,594
[SCRATCHES]

1000
00:43:19,098 --> 00:43:19,890
MARY:
Stop resisting.

1001
00:43:20,099 --> 00:43:21,350
HAROLD:
Push harder, dude!

1002
00:43:21,517 --> 00:43:22,518
KUMAR:
I am doing it!

1003
00:43:22,684 --> 00:43:23,560
HAROLD:
I can't get her...

1004
00:43:23,727 --> 00:43:25,854
off!
MARY: Oh, God!

1005
00:43:26,021 --> 00:43:27,481
[HAROLD GRUNTS]

1006
00:43:27,898 --> 00:43:29,191
Mariana?

1007
00:43:31,318 --> 00:43:31,985
Daddy.

1008
00:43:33,403 --> 00:43:34,321
BOTH:
Daddy.

1009
00:43:37,032 --> 00:43:37,866
That's Sergei...

1010
00:43:38,033 --> 00:43:39,201
Katsov.

1011
00:43:39,368 --> 00:43:40,202
I know, dude.

1012
00:43:40,369 --> 00:43:41,537
Start talking.

1013
00:43:41,703 --> 00:43:43,122
- Start talking.
- Okay.

1014
00:43:45,165 --> 00:43:45,874
She—

1015
00:43:46,041 --> 00:43:47,251
Start talking! Now!

1016
00:43:47,417 --> 00:43:51,255
Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold.
It's very nice to meet you.

1017
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:53,757
Um, I know this is gonna be hard
for you to believe...

1018
00:43:53,924 --> 00:43:56,927
but your daughter, sir, was the one
who was trying to rape us.

1019
00:43:57,136 --> 00:43:58,095
She's the raper.

1020
00:43:58,262 --> 00:44:00,097
No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.

1021
00:44:00,264 --> 00:44:02,724
These men came in here,
I didn't know who they were.

1022
00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,351
I think that they got me drunk.

1023
00:44:04,518 --> 00:44:06,270
No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.

1024
00:44:06,436 --> 00:44:07,855
You got my daughter drunk?

1025
00:44:08,021 --> 00:44:10,274
Sir, if I may. This is all a big...

1026
00:44:10,899 --> 00:44:12,109
Let me pull my pants up.

1027
00:44:12,276 --> 00:44:13,861
It's all a big misunderstanding.

1028
00:44:14,862 --> 00:44:16,155
Your children threw the party.

1029
00:44:17,531 --> 00:44:21,451
We have nothing to do with all the drugs
and all the alcohol.

1030
00:44:21,618 --> 00:44:22,161
[WHISTLE]

1031
00:44:22,369 --> 00:44:23,704
Okay, listen up!

1032
00:44:23,871 --> 00:44:24,746
Party's over!

1033
00:44:24,913 --> 00:44:25,747
My baby...

1034
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:29,084
is fucked on cocaine!
KATSOV: I've heard enough.

1035
00:44:29,251 --> 00:44:30,252
Gustav.

1036
00:44:30,419 --> 00:44:31,295
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

1037
00:44:31,545 --> 00:44:33,046
- What? Oh, shit!
- No! No!

1038
00:44:33,213 --> 00:44:35,299
Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?

1039
00:44:35,465 --> 00:44:38,093
- Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?
- He means both.

1040
00:44:38,260 --> 00:44:39,636
Why can't he say both of us?

1041
00:44:39,803 --> 00:44:41,180
Both of you...

1042
00:44:41,972 --> 00:44:43,807
kill them. Kill them all!

1043
00:44:44,308 --> 00:44:45,267
[CROWD CLAMORING]

1044
00:44:46,310 --> 00:44:47,144
- Aah!
KU MAR: Go!

1045
00:44:47,311 --> 00:44:47,978
NQW!

1046
00:44:48,812 --> 00:44:50,147
TODD:
Unh, ah! Ava!

1047
00:44:50,314 --> 00:44:52,107
Come with me if you wanna live!

1048
00:44:52,274 --> 00:44:53,442
What? No, no!

1049
00:44:53,609 --> 00:44:54,193
No,no,no!

1050
00:44:58,697 --> 00:44:59,489
[BOTH GRUNT]

1051
00:45:30,646 --> 00:45:32,356
Aah. Where's my baby?

1052
00:45:32,522 --> 00:45:33,607
_A\/a! Ava'
- Shh!

1053
00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:36,026
Where could my baby be?
Where's my baby?

1054
00:45:36,235 --> 00:45:36,985
[BABY GIGGLING]

1055
00:45:37,319 --> 00:45:38,820
[BOTH YELL]

1056
00:45:39,613 --> 00:45:41,865
Your coke baby has superpowers.

1057
00:45:42,032 --> 00:45:44,034
[BOTH LAUGHING]

1058
00:45:45,285 --> 00:45:47,162
- That was close.
- I know, right?

1059
00:45:48,247 --> 00:45:50,249
HAROLD:
Were you starting to trip out a little bit?

1060
00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:54,628
Because I think I was starting
to trip out back there a little bit.

1061
00:45:54,795 --> 00:45:58,173
Yeah, definitely, man. I think there
was something in the eggnog.

1062
00:45:58,340 --> 00:45:59,758
It's pretty fucking sweet.

1063
00:45:59,967 --> 00:46:00,801
Don't worry.

1064
00:46:00,968 --> 00:46:02,761
I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.

1065
00:46:04,888 --> 00:46:06,890
Or maybe not?

1066
00:46:07,057 --> 00:46:09,393
Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!

1067
00:46:09,559 --> 00:46:11,061
Ha-ha-ha. So are you!

1068
00:46:11,270 --> 00:46:12,312
So is he.

1069
00:46:12,562 --> 00:46:14,022
What's up, blood?

1070
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:18,193
Dude, everything's Claymated!

1071
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:19,403
Fuck you!

1072
00:46:19,569 --> 00:46:20,737
KU MAR:
This is great!

1073
00:46:20,904 --> 00:46:23,907
No, it's not! How am I supposed
to get a tree now? I'm made of clay.

1074
00:46:24,074 --> 00:46:25,492
Ooh, hold on. I have an idea.

1075
00:46:25,659 --> 00:46:26,493
What the hell—?

1076
00:46:27,035 --> 00:46:27,786
Yah!

1077
00:46:28,036 --> 00:46:29,830
KUMAR: Clay cocks!
- Put your cock away.

1078
00:46:31,498 --> 00:46:33,375
Dude, relax. It's gonna wear off soon.

1079
00:46:33,542 --> 00:46:34,209
[WOMAN SCREAMS]

1080
00:46:34,751 --> 00:46:37,087
[MAN WHIMPERING THEN YELLS]

1081
00:46:37,296 --> 00:46:38,005
What the fuck?

1082
00:46:38,171 --> 00:46:38,880
[GUNSHOTS]

1083
00:46:39,047 --> 00:46:40,799
Die, motherfucker!

1084
00:46:40,966 --> 00:46:41,967
[GUN CLICKING]

1085
00:46:42,134 --> 00:46:44,136
[WHIMPERING]

1086
00:46:45,929 --> 00:46:46,722
[CREATU RE GROWLING]

1087
00:46:47,389 --> 00:46:49,391
[CREATU RE LAUGHS]

1088
00:46:53,562 --> 00:46:57,232
Prepare for the winter
of your discontent!

1089
00:46:57,441 --> 00:46:59,192
KU MAR: Whoa!
- Shit!

1090
00:46:59,359 --> 00:47:00,402
Fuck!

1091
00:47:01,153 --> 00:47:02,821
RAUGHS]

1092
00:47:06,199 --> 00:47:07,284
My God. We're gonna die.

1093
00:47:07,451 --> 00:47:10,495
No way, dude. Nobody dies
while Claymated. It's a fact.

1094
00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:12,706
Dude, look out!

1095
00:47:15,917 --> 00:47:17,878
Oh, nobody dies while Claymated.

1096
00:47:18,045 --> 00:47:18,712
[HORN HONKING]

1097
00:47:18,879 --> 00:47:20,881
- I heard it's a fact.
- Okay, fine. Theory debunked.

1098
00:47:21,048 --> 00:47:22,382
[GRUNTS]

1099
00:47:23,008 --> 00:47:24,885
Let's get out of here.

1100
00:47:27,596 --> 00:47:31,767
What's the matter?
Afraid you'll catch a cold?

1101
00:47:36,521 --> 00:47:39,775
If this guy makes one more lame pun,
I'm gonna kill myself.

1102
00:47:42,194 --> 00:47:43,111
Oh, my clay back!

1103
00:47:43,570 --> 00:47:44,780
[IN HINDI]

1104
00:47:46,323 --> 00:47:47,574
KUMAR [IN HINDI]:

1105
00:47:47,741 --> 00:47:49,117
HAROLD [IN HINDI]:

1106
00:47:50,619 --> 00:47:52,788
HAROLD [IN ENGLISH]: Every time
I hang out with you, it's a disaster.

1107
00:47:52,954 --> 00:47:56,291
KUMAR [IN ENGLISH]: Wait. I just realized
I can probably make my balls bigger too...

1108
00:47:56,458 --> 00:47:59,169
since I'm Claymated.
HAROLD: You're such a fucking asshole.

1109
00:48:01,171 --> 00:48:02,506
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

1110
00:48:05,717 --> 00:48:07,969
KUMAR: Look, Union Square.
Let's hide in that tree.

1111
00:48:13,558 --> 00:48:15,060
[MAN YELLS THEN GRUNTS]

1112
00:48:15,477 --> 00:48:17,813
This is a really—
This is a really beautiful tree.

1113
00:48:17,979 --> 00:48:18,772
Dude, come on!

1114
00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:22,818
[SIGHS]

1115
00:48:25,153 --> 00:48:25,904
HAROLD:
Aw...

1116
00:48:26,071 --> 00:48:27,322
KU MAR:
Aw...

1117
00:48:28,740 --> 00:48:30,033
Hey, little guy.

1118
00:48:30,242 --> 00:48:31,034
You hungry?

1119
00:48:31,201 --> 00:48:32,702
SQUIRREL:
Mmm.

1120
00:48:34,413 --> 00:48:35,914
KUMAR: Look, Union Square.
Let's hide in that tree.

1121
00:48:43,171 --> 00:48:44,131
[YELLING]

1122
00:48:44,297 --> 00:48:45,507
[ALL SCREAM]

1123
00:48:46,383 --> 00:48:48,677
Ice to see you.

1124
00:48:48,844 --> 00:48:50,846
All right, that is it. Hey, snowman!

1125
00:48:51,012 --> 00:48:55,434
Get yourself some mints
because your breath is abominable.

1126
00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:56,852
[GROWLS]

1127
00:48:57,519 --> 00:48:58,854
Ha-ha-ha. Not bad, Roldy.

1128
00:48:59,563 --> 00:49:01,565
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]

1129
00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:02,524
[SQUIRREL YELLS]

1130
00:49:02,941 --> 00:49:05,026
Fuck me!

1131
00:49:05,277 --> 00:49:06,361
[SCREAMS]

1132
00:49:10,740 --> 00:49:11,616
[GIGGLES]

1133
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:14,119
Dead squirrel.

1134
00:49:16,204 --> 00:49:17,122
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]

1135
00:49:23,503 --> 00:49:25,088
- It's coming!
MAN: Wake up! Wake up!

1136
00:49:25,255 --> 00:49:27,299
- We're gonna die. We're gonna die.
- What?

1137
00:49:27,466 --> 00:49:29,968
MAN:
I told you not to aim for the face.

1138
00:49:30,302 --> 00:49:31,553
- Roldy!
- Kumar!

1139
00:49:31,720 --> 00:49:34,055
- What the hell's the matter?
ROSENBERG: What are you doing?

1140
00:49:34,222 --> 00:49:36,057
- Rosenberg.
- Goldstein?

1141
00:49:36,224 --> 00:49:39,895
We were doing last-minute shopping
with my boy here when we saw you...

1142
00:49:40,061 --> 00:49:41,897
tearing that snowman a new tuchus.

1143
00:49:42,063 --> 00:49:43,732
ROSENBERG:
You are gonna catch your death...

1144
00:49:43,940 --> 00:49:46,067
of cold out here.
Let's get you a nice meal.

1145
00:49:46,234 --> 00:49:48,069
Is there somewhere we can eat?

1146
00:49:57,579 --> 00:49:59,873
This is why I tell you not
to have people over.

1147
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:04,836
[WHISPERS] Every single other person
got out of here except for us.

1148
00:50:05,003 --> 00:50:07,088
- [WHISPERS] I knew you'd bring that up.
- You grabbed me.

1149
00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:09,549
You said, "Come with me
if you want to live."

1150
00:50:09,716 --> 00:50:10,675
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

1151
00:50:12,260 --> 00:50:13,428
[GIGGLING]

1152
00:50:13,595 --> 00:50:15,722
- Man, I don't think that's okay.
- It's fine.

1153
00:50:15,889 --> 00:50:18,266
It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.

1154
00:50:18,767 --> 00:50:20,352
I'm on cocaine.

1155
00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:22,771
I'm addicted to cocaine.

1156
00:50:22,938 --> 00:50:24,105
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1157
00:50:26,107 --> 00:50:27,275
Yo! Idiots!

1158
00:50:28,610 --> 00:50:29,778
I want you to find...

1159
00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:32,280
the men who violated...

1160
00:50:32,447 --> 00:50:33,782
my daughter...

1161
00:50:33,990 --> 00:50:36,284
and I want you to fucking kill them!

1162
00:50:37,869 --> 00:50:40,288
- Still hits the spot.
HAROLD: I know, right?

1163
00:50:40,497 --> 00:50:43,792
Oh, I almost forgot. Harold,
my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out.

1164
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:45,627
So me and him, we're not gonna...

1165
00:50:45,794 --> 00:50:47,462
be able to make your party.

1166
00:50:47,629 --> 00:50:49,381
- I'm so sorry about that.
- It's okay.

1167
00:50:49,548 --> 00:50:53,301
There's not really a— We should get going.
We got a Christmas tree emergency.

1168
00:50:53,510 --> 00:50:56,805
I don't understand what it is
with you people and your trees.

1169
00:50:57,013 --> 00:50:57,973
GOLDSTEIN:
For us Christians...

1170
00:50:58,139 --> 00:51:00,809
the tree is a very important
part of our holiday.

1171
00:51:01,017 --> 00:51:02,936
Okay, don't start with this. All right?

1172
00:51:03,103 --> 00:51:08,024
Just because your wife made you convert
doesn't mean you're not a Jew!

1173
00:51:08,316 --> 00:51:11,486
His name is Seth Goldstein.
For Christ's sake!

1174
00:51:11,653 --> 00:51:15,198
First of all, don't ever take
the Lord's name in vain, not after...

1175
00:51:15,365 --> 00:51:18,159
how your people crucified my man.
Secondly...

1176
00:51:18,326 --> 00:51:19,661
I was baptized, bitch!

1177
00:51:20,328 --> 00:51:21,496
The second the priest...

1178
00:51:21,663 --> 00:51:23,373
poured that holy water over me...

1179
00:51:23,540 --> 00:51:26,501
all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred
just washed right off.

1180
00:51:26,668 --> 00:51:28,837
KUMAR: Sounds like you're enjoying
your new religion.

1181
00:51:29,045 --> 00:51:30,255
Dude, it's the balls.

1182
00:51:30,422 --> 00:51:32,048
These dirty Jew bastards have...

1183
00:51:32,215 --> 00:51:33,758
no idea what they're missing.

1184
00:51:33,925 --> 00:51:37,012
Christmas! Easter! Fishing! Hunting!
I tie knots on a sailboat.

1185
00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:39,889
I can get heartburn
without thinking I'm having a stroke.

1186
00:51:40,056 --> 00:51:42,934
I'm loving me some Applebee's.
I made terrible investments...

1187
00:51:43,101 --> 00:51:44,561
doesn't bother me a bit.

1188
00:51:44,936 --> 00:51:47,689
Miraculously, my mother
is no longer a total bitch.

1189
00:51:47,856 --> 00:51:50,025
- Isn't that right? ls Grandma a bitch?
- No.

1190
00:51:50,191 --> 00:51:50,775
No.

1191
00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:52,902
And guess what. Next week...

1192
00:51:53,069 --> 00:51:55,530
I have an appointment
to get uncircumcised.

1193
00:51:55,697 --> 00:51:58,325
That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle.

1194
00:51:58,575 --> 00:52:02,245
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat
but I gotta go get this tree.

1195
00:52:02,412 --> 00:52:03,913
Christmas tree! Christmas tree!

1196
00:52:07,334 --> 00:52:09,544
It's glorious. Isn't it Christian?

1197
00:52:10,086 --> 00:52:11,254
Great to see you guys.

1198
00:52:11,421 --> 00:52:13,089
KUMAR: See you, guys.
GOLDSTEIN: No, wait.

1199
00:52:13,423 --> 00:52:14,382
Excuse me!

1200
00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:17,761
You still owe me 87 cents
for that jalapefio cheeseburger!

1201
00:52:17,927 --> 00:52:21,723
Ah! Guess that holy water didn't
wash everything off, now did it?

1202
00:52:23,433 --> 00:52:24,934
HAROLD:
God, that tree is perfect.

1203
00:52:25,101 --> 00:52:26,227
KU MAR:
Let's go check it out.

1204
00:52:26,394 --> 00:52:27,604
Tickets, please.

1205
00:52:27,812 --> 00:52:29,397
I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.

1206
00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:30,732
They sold out months ago.

1207
00:52:31,232 --> 00:52:33,318
- But—
- Step aside, please.

1208
00:52:33,943 --> 00:52:35,612
I said step aside.

1209
00:52:38,114 --> 00:52:39,449
Shit.

1210
00:52:40,825 --> 00:52:43,536
You know what? Fuck it,
it's almost midnight. I give up.

1211
00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:44,829
You can't give up yet.

1212
00:52:45,705 --> 00:52:46,790
Look...

1213
00:52:46,956 --> 00:52:49,584
I have an idea on how we might
get that tree out.

1214
00:52:49,918 --> 00:52:51,419
- What?
- It's not gonna be easy.

1215
00:52:51,586 --> 00:52:53,546
But this may be
the last chance we've got.

1216
00:52:54,839 --> 00:52:55,632
Here's what we do.

1217
00:52:57,258 --> 00:52:59,094
First, we need to steal some tickets.

1218
00:52:59,260 --> 00:53:01,846
Then I slip off to the side
and take out the archbishop.

1219
00:53:03,890 --> 00:53:05,600
I head down
to the nuns' shower room.

1220
00:53:07,435 --> 00:53:09,979
HAROLD: I didn't know the nuns
all showered in the same room.

1221
00:53:10,146 --> 00:53:12,065
How do you think they stay so clean?

1222
00:53:13,566 --> 00:53:17,237
While the nuns are lezzing it out,
I'm gonna snag the key to the back room.

1223
00:53:17,404 --> 00:53:18,822
HAROLD:
What back room?

1224
00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:22,325
The back room that the priests
are guarding. Am I going too fast?

1225
00:53:22,492 --> 00:53:23,493
- No.
- Okay, good.

1226
00:53:23,660 --> 00:53:25,495
You're in charge of distracting them.

1227
00:53:25,662 --> 00:53:26,830
How the hell do I do that?

1228
00:53:26,996 --> 00:53:29,165
KUMAR: That's easy, you'll just use
our secret weapon.

1229
00:53:29,374 --> 00:53:33,878
Pillow fight in the altar boys' room.
Last one there's a rotten egg.

1230
00:53:35,255 --> 00:53:38,341
KU MAR: Once the coast is clear, we use
the key to get into the back room.

1231
00:53:38,508 --> 00:53:40,009
I guard while you kill the power.

1232
00:53:40,176 --> 00:53:42,345
While everyone's trying
to turn the power on...

1233
00:53:42,512 --> 00:53:44,472
you and I will get the tree.

1234
00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:47,434
We take it to your place,
and when Maria's dad comes home...

1235
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,477
and sees this beautiful tree...

1236
00:53:49,644 --> 00:53:51,896
in your living room,
he'll jizz all over it.

1237
00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:54,441
What do you think?

1238
00:53:55,984 --> 00:53:56,693
INEZ:
Uncle Harold.

1239
00:53:56,901 --> 00:53:59,654
I think I see Uncle Harold over there.

1240
00:53:59,821 --> 00:54:01,948
What do you mean,
you see Uncle Harold?

1241
00:54:06,786 --> 00:54:07,787
Baby?

1242
00:54:08,413 --> 00:54:09,706
Oh, sorry, sir.

1243
00:54:10,206 --> 00:54:10,999
MR. PEREZ:
It's okay, baby.

1244
00:54:11,166 --> 00:54:13,710
They all look alike to me too.
Ha-ha-ha.

1245
00:54:15,545 --> 00:54:19,841
HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass.
Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight!

1246
00:54:20,008 --> 00:54:21,217
Running out of time.

1247
00:54:21,426 --> 00:54:23,720
Wait, wait, wait!
What the hell are we doing?

1248
00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:26,181
Hold on. What the hell's going on?

1249
00:54:26,347 --> 00:54:29,309
He almost spotted us!
I'm supposed to be at home with the tree.

1250
00:54:29,476 --> 00:54:31,728
But why are you making
such a big deal about this?

1251
00:54:31,936 --> 00:54:34,063
Because it is a big deal.

1252
00:54:34,230 --> 00:54:36,733
Who gives a shit what
your father-in-law thinks?

1253
00:54:36,941 --> 00:54:40,945
I give a shit what my father-in-law thinks.
You wouldn't understand.

1254
00:54:42,238 --> 00:54:44,449
No, dude, I don't understand.

1255
00:54:45,033 --> 00:54:48,077
You got a great job, you make good money,
you don't beat your wife.

1256
00:54:48,244 --> 00:54:50,413
What more could a Latino
father-in-law ask for?

1257
00:54:50,580 --> 00:54:52,207
- Well...
- If I were you...

1258
00:54:52,373 --> 00:54:54,459
I'd tell him to eat
a cockmeat sandwich.

1259
00:54:56,169 --> 00:54:57,545
You should not go through...

1260
00:54:57,712 --> 00:54:59,464
all this just to make him happy.

1261
00:55:00,048 --> 00:55:01,758
You're right, I don't have to.

1262
00:55:02,467 --> 00:55:03,760
I want to.

1263
00:55:04,469 --> 00:55:08,223
I want him to be happy
because I want Maria to be happy.

1264
00:55:08,389 --> 00:55:11,267
Because what makes Maria happy
is what makes me happy.

1265
00:55:11,976 --> 00:55:12,727
Don't you get it?

1266
00:55:12,894 --> 00:55:15,230
I don't have to be doing this.

1267
00:55:15,772 --> 00:55:17,482
I wanna be doing this.

1268
00:55:19,275 --> 00:55:20,276
What the fuck?

1269
00:55:20,485 --> 00:55:23,279
Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago!
We need all bodies on-stage!

1270
00:55:23,488 --> 00:55:24,364
[BOTH YELL]

1271
00:55:25,114 --> 00:55:28,576
Oh, my God, you guys aren't even
dressed? Jesus fucking Christ!

1272
00:55:28,743 --> 00:55:29,786
You have the wrong people.

1273
00:55:29,994 --> 00:55:30,954
Wardrobe!

1274
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,748
Go! Come on, come on, come on!
Shut up!

1275
00:55:35,500 --> 00:55:38,378
Ma'am, you seem like
a very nice person.

1276
00:55:38,545 --> 00:55:39,796
BECCA:
Go! Move!

1277
00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:41,256
Fucking actors.

1278
00:55:41,422 --> 00:55:44,092
ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]:
And now, ladies and gentlemen...

1279
00:55:44,259 --> 00:55:45,969
without further ado...

1280
00:55:46,135 --> 00:55:47,762
the man...
- Look at these firs.

1281
00:55:47,929 --> 00:55:49,472
You've all been waiting for:

1282
00:55:49,639 --> 00:55:50,974
America's sweetheart!

1283
00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:51,975
<i>[SINGING]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly</i>

1284
00:55:52,141 --> 00:55:53,142
Holy shit. Neil.

1285
00:55:53,643 --> 00:55:55,937
<i>Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la</i>

1286
00:55:56,437 --> 00:55:57,230
Dance.

1287
00:55:57,397 --> 00:55:58,231
What?

1288
00:55:58,439 --> 00:55:59,983
Blend. Blend. Blend.

1289
00:56:00,149 --> 00:56:01,067
KUMAR:
Harold. Wait!

1290
00:56:01,609 --> 00:56:03,820
Don we now our gay apparel

1291
00:56:04,028 --> 00:56:06,656
Fa-la-la, /a-Ia-la, la-la-la

1292
00:56:06,823 --> 00:56:08,992
Troll the ancient yuletide carol

1293
00:56:09,158 --> 00:56:10,743
Fa -la -la -la -la, la -/a

1294
00:56:11,536 --> 00:56:12,954
La-Ia!

1295
00:56:17,792 --> 00:56:20,503
You better watch out
You better not cry

1296
00:56:20,670 --> 00:56:23,089
You better not pout
I'm tel/in' you why

1297
00:56:23,256 --> 00:56:25,466
Santa Claus is comin'

1298
00:56:25,633 --> 00:56:27,260
To town

1299
00:56:27,427 --> 00:56:28,344
[GRUNTS]

1300
00:56:28,678 --> 00:56:30,513
He sees you when you're sleeping

1301
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:31,848
He knows when you're awake

1302
00:56:32,056 --> 00:56:33,474
[ALL GRUNTING]

1303
00:56:34,559 --> 00:56:35,602
HAROLD:
Oh, my God!

1304
00:56:35,852 --> 00:56:37,937
So be good for goodness' sake

1305
00:56:38,646 --> 00:56:40,106
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

1306
00:56:44,110 --> 00:56:47,322
Santa Claus is comin' to town

1307
00:56:53,202 --> 00:56:55,663
WAFFLEBOTS [SINGING]:
I played my drum for him

1308
00:56:55,830 --> 00:56:57,582
Pa rum pum pum pum

1309
00:56:59,876 --> 00:57:01,502
Then he

1310
00:57:01,669 --> 00:57:02,962
Smiled at me

1311
00:57:03,504 --> 00:57:05,173
Pa rum pum pum pum

1312
00:57:05,882 --> 00:57:07,884
Me and my drum

1313
00:57:16,809 --> 00:57:19,395
We wish you a merry Christmas

1314
00:57:19,604 --> 00:57:22,023
We wish you a merry Christmas

1315
00:57:22,482 --> 00:57:24,233
We wish you a merry Christmas

1316
00:57:24,400 --> 00:57:26,694
And a happy New Year

1317
00:57:26,861 --> 00:57:33,743
We wish you a merry Christmas

1318
00:57:33,910 --> 00:57:36,663
And a /'IEIPPY

1319
00:57:36,829 --> 00:57:41,918
New Year

1320
00:57:47,632 --> 00:57:49,258
Merry Christmas, everyone!

1321
00:57:51,511 --> 00:57:53,721
DIRECTOR:
All right, that's a cut. Great job

1322
00:57:53,888 --> 00:57:56,015
Great job.
I've just got a few notes, okay?

1323
00:57:56,182 --> 00:57:58,267
Just gonna come on the stage.

1324
00:57:58,434 --> 00:57:59,644
Oh, God.

1325
00:58:00,228 --> 00:58:01,562
Fucking tight jeans.

1326
00:58:03,272 --> 00:58:08,111
NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing
the heat, and you are bringing it hard.

1327
00:58:08,277 --> 00:58:10,071
You're a dream. I'm having...

1328
00:58:10,238 --> 00:58:13,741
a fabulous, amazing dream
watching you perform.

1329
00:58:13,992 --> 00:58:16,160
But unfortunately...

1330
00:58:16,327 --> 00:58:19,414
these talentless fuck butt-crackers...

1331
00:58:19,580 --> 00:58:21,624
are ruining everything! You!

1332
00:58:21,791 --> 00:58:24,836
Jonbenet, I'm talking to you, sweetie.

1333
00:58:25,003 --> 00:58:26,629
Where'd you learn to dance, honey?

1334
00:58:26,796 --> 00:58:29,424
A fucking mini-mall in Des Moines?

1335
00:58:29,757 --> 00:58:30,842
This is...

1336
00:58:31,384 --> 00:58:33,261
the big time!

1337
00:58:33,428 --> 00:58:36,597
I will punch you in your face!

1338
00:58:36,764 --> 00:58:37,932
I can run it again.

1339
00:58:38,099 --> 00:58:39,892
No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.

1340
00:58:40,059 --> 00:58:42,311
Go and get some rest, huh?
Make yourself fresh...

1341
00:58:42,478 --> 00:58:44,188
all right? Heh. And just remember...

1342
00:58:44,397 --> 00:58:47,358
you're a dream, and I'm having
a big wet dream about you.

1343
00:58:47,608 --> 00:58:48,860
Okay? Ha, ha.

1344
00:58:49,110 --> 00:58:51,112
Take fucking five!

1345
00:58:52,447 --> 00:58:53,656
Damn it!

1346
00:58:58,286 --> 00:58:59,537
Hey, Gracie, chin up.

1347
00:58:59,704 --> 00:59:01,706
Happens to the best of us.
You up for...

1348
00:59:01,873 --> 00:59:03,791
one-on-one rehearsing later?
GRACIE: Wait.

1349
00:59:04,709 --> 00:59:05,710
You know my name?

1350
00:59:05,877 --> 00:59:09,964
Of course. You're doing great.
I thought we could work on a thing or two.

1351
00:59:10,131 --> 00:59:12,967
- In my dressing room, five minutes.
- Yes!

1352
00:59:13,176 --> 00:59:15,803
Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.

1353
00:59:15,970 --> 00:59:18,723
- I'll get changed and be right over.
- I'll see you then.

1354
00:59:20,975 --> 00:59:23,478
You really think Neil can
get us one of those trees?

1355
00:59:23,686 --> 00:59:26,147
After all we've been through
with that guy, he better.

1356
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:27,690
No shit.

1357
00:59:28,316 --> 00:59:29,776
REPORTER:
Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.

1358
00:59:29,942 --> 00:59:33,154
Hollywood Hearsay.
Is it true that you're replacing Regis?

1359
00:59:33,321 --> 00:59:34,489
NEIL:
It'll be tough between...

1360
00:59:34,697 --> 00:59:37,325
How I Met Your Mother
and charity work, but we'll see.

1361
00:59:37,492 --> 00:59:40,495
Oh, wow. And you stunned fans
when you said you were gay.

1362
00:59:40,661 --> 00:59:43,748
How has this affected your relationship
with your partner, David?

1363
00:59:43,915 --> 00:59:46,334
Well, maybe this'll answer
your question.

1364
00:59:47,835 --> 00:59:49,337
So hot, NPH.

1365
00:59:49,504 --> 00:59:52,173
Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey. How about that?

1366
00:59:52,340 --> 00:59:54,008
Thank you. I love you guys.

1367
00:59:54,175 --> 00:59:55,176
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1368
00:59:55,343 --> 00:59:57,178
Ugh. What did I tell you
about using tongue?

1369
00:59:57,345 --> 00:59:59,180
You wanted it to look realistic.

1370
00:59:59,347 --> 01:00:02,100
Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit.

1371
01:00:02,266 --> 01:00:05,186
The only reason I put up
with this homo crap is for the p-tang.

1372
01:00:05,353 --> 01:00:06,687
DAVID:
Fuck this! I got a wife...

1373
01:00:06,854 --> 01:00:08,481
and kid. I'm out of here.

1374
01:00:08,648 --> 01:00:09,690
NEIL:
Wait, man.

1375
01:00:09,857 --> 01:00:10,942
What about the stuff?

1376
01:00:11,150 --> 01:00:12,527
DAVID: What stuff?
- The stuff.

1377
01:00:12,735 --> 01:00:13,861
Give me the stuff.

1378
01:00:14,529 --> 01:00:15,363
This stuff?

1379
01:00:15,530 --> 01:00:16,447
[PANTS]

1380
01:00:16,697 --> 01:00:17,532
Oh, yeah.

1381
01:00:17,698 --> 01:00:19,200
You'd like this bag of crack.

1382
01:00:19,367 --> 01:00:20,201
Wouldn't you?

1383
01:00:20,368 --> 01:00:23,037
Well, maybe I should give it
to someone else.

1384
01:00:23,204 --> 01:00:25,206
You know I got Fred Savage
on speed dial.

1385
01:00:25,373 --> 01:00:27,542
Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!

1386
01:00:27,708 --> 01:00:31,546
Give it to me. Come on, David,
give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.

1387
01:00:31,754 --> 01:00:33,881
- Put money in my account.
- You got it. Done.

1388
01:00:34,048 --> 01:00:36,884
- And sing at my niece's quinceafiera.
- All right, I'll sing.

1389
01:00:37,051 --> 01:00:38,886
- You can't fuck her!
- I can't promise.

1390
01:00:39,053 --> 01:00:40,054
- Fine.
- No! All right!

1391
01:00:40,263 --> 01:00:41,055
I won't fuck her!

1392
01:00:41,222 --> 01:00:42,974
Just let me have the rock.

1393
01:00:43,141 --> 01:00:44,058
GRACIE:
Excuse me, Neil?

1394
01:00:44,225 --> 01:00:45,351
Oh. Oh, this is—

1395
01:00:45,518 --> 01:00:46,727
I can come back later.

1396
01:00:46,894 --> 01:00:50,148
- No! No, I'm heading out. Ha, ha.
- No, we were just— Hi.

1397
01:00:50,314 --> 01:00:52,066
Bye-bye, sweet pea.

1398
01:00:52,233 --> 01:00:54,152
- You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha.
DAVID: Always.

1399
01:00:54,318 --> 01:00:55,570
You guys are too cute.

1400
01:00:55,778 --> 01:00:56,404
[MOUTHS]
Fuck you.

1401
01:00:56,571 --> 01:00:57,238
Idoloveu.

1402
01:00:57,405 --> 01:00:59,031
That handsome man.

1403
01:00:59,407 --> 01:01:00,825
Thank you so much for this...

1404
01:01:00,992 --> 01:01:02,743
opportunity to work with you.

1405
01:01:02,910 --> 01:01:03,911
Sure. Come on in.

1406
01:01:04,078 --> 01:01:05,580
What would you like to rehearse?

1407
01:01:05,746 --> 01:01:07,874
Oh. Nothing specific.
Just some general stuff.

1408
01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:10,585
You seemed tense.
I thought we could loosen you up.

1409
01:01:10,793 --> 01:01:11,919
Take your sweater off.

1410
01:01:12,420 --> 01:01:13,254
[CHUCKLES]

1411
01:01:13,421 --> 01:01:14,088
Oh, no, no.

1412
01:01:14,297 --> 01:01:15,506
For a massage. Heh.

1413
01:01:15,715 --> 01:01:18,092
David'll tell you,
these hands are magical.

1414
01:01:18,718 --> 01:01:21,429
Well, I don't really have
anything on underneath, $0...

1415
01:01:21,596 --> 01:01:23,764
Oh, it's okay.
It's just a couple girlfriends.

1416
01:01:23,931 --> 01:01:24,932
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1417
01:01:25,433 --> 01:01:26,809
Now take it off.

1418
01:01:27,351 --> 01:01:28,436
Okay.

1419
01:01:32,106 --> 01:01:34,108
Why don't you lay on the bed?

1420
01:01:38,696 --> 01:01:40,114
[SNIFFS]

1421
01:01:44,285 --> 01:01:45,453
- Ow.
- Sorry.

1422
01:01:48,623 --> 01:01:49,790
[BOTH MOANING]

1423
01:01:49,957 --> 01:01:50,958
Feels good.

1424
01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:52,793
Yeah, it does feel good.

1425
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,046
I can't... I can't...

1426
01:01:55,254 --> 01:01:57,882
- Can I take this bra off'?
- Um...

1427
01:01:58,132 --> 01:02:00,468
- It's okay. Girlfriends.
- Ha-ha-ha.

1428
01:02:01,135 --> 01:02:02,637
That's better.

1429
01:02:02,803 --> 01:02:04,305
Should we do something?

1430
01:02:04,472 --> 01:02:07,141
I don't know, I kind of wanna see
what happens next.

1431
01:02:07,642 --> 01:02:08,643
Feels good.

1432
01:02:08,809 --> 01:02:09,977
Oh, it's so hard.

1433
01:02:10,144 --> 01:02:12,480
This knot on your back is so hard.

1434
01:02:12,647 --> 01:02:14,315
Look, don't be alarmed...

1435
01:02:15,483 --> 01:02:19,570
but I'm gonna squirt some lotion
on your back in about...

1436
01:02:19,987 --> 01:02:21,322
35 seconds.

1437
01:02:21,489 --> 01:02:22,323
Excuse me?

1438
01:02:22,490 --> 01:02:23,741
- Shut up.
- What the fuck?

1439
01:02:23,908 --> 01:02:24,992
Shut the fuck up!

1440
01:02:25,159 --> 01:02:26,327
Get the fuck off of me!

1441
01:02:26,494 --> 01:02:28,329
You like it rough? I can play that way.

1442
01:02:28,496 --> 01:02:30,164
God! I thought you were gay!

1443
01:02:30,373 --> 01:02:31,832
I am gay. Gay for that pussy.

1444
01:02:31,999 --> 01:02:33,000
Oh!

1445
01:02:33,167 --> 01:02:35,253
I don't know what sick game
you're playing...

1446
01:02:35,419 --> 01:02:37,672
but touch me again,
I'll rip your dick off!

1447
01:02:37,838 --> 01:02:39,131
[LAUGHING]

1448
01:02:39,298 --> 01:02:40,174
[GRUNTS]

1449
01:02:43,386 --> 01:02:45,263
Morty, Kumar, long time.

1450
01:02:47,348 --> 01:02:49,433
It's Harold, actually.

1451
01:02:49,600 --> 01:02:51,102
Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is.

1452
01:02:51,310 --> 01:02:52,520
Come on, have a seat.

1453
01:02:52,687 --> 01:02:56,190
How long has it been?
You two look great. Have you lost weight?

1454
01:02:56,399 --> 01:02:58,025
Is that Hugo Boss? I love it.

1455
01:02:58,192 --> 01:03:00,194
Well, thanks. Listen, um...

1456
01:03:00,695 --> 01:03:03,531
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?

1457
01:03:04,031 --> 01:03:05,408
Shut up!

1458
01:03:05,616 --> 01:03:06,534
God, I hate this...

1459
01:03:06,701 --> 01:03:08,703
fucking PancakeBot thing.

1460
01:03:08,911 --> 01:03:10,371
Dude, it's a WaffleBot.

1461
01:03:10,538 --> 01:03:11,664
They're awesome.

1462
01:03:11,831 --> 01:03:12,456
WaffleThing.

1463
01:03:12,623 --> 01:03:13,708
Get the fuck...

1464
01:03:13,916 --> 01:03:15,209
out of my life!

1465
01:03:15,918 --> 01:03:17,545
Ouch.

1466
01:03:17,878 --> 01:03:18,963
[NEIL SIGHS]

1467
01:03:19,130 --> 01:03:20,047
Anyway...

1468
01:03:20,214 --> 01:03:22,717
what can I do for you,
my burglars of turd?

1469
01:03:22,925 --> 01:03:25,052
Time-the-fuck-out.
How are you still alive?

1470
01:03:25,219 --> 01:03:26,429
Yeah, how the fuck?

1471
01:03:26,804 --> 01:03:28,139
What are you talking about?

1472
01:03:28,306 --> 01:03:29,473
We saw you get shot.

1473
01:03:30,224 --> 01:03:31,726
You have to be more specific.

1474
01:03:31,934 --> 01:03:32,810
In that whorehouse.

1475
01:03:32,977 --> 01:03:33,561
In Texas.

1476
01:03:33,728 --> 01:03:35,146
You branded a prostitute.

1477
01:03:35,313 --> 01:03:35,896
Remember?

1478
01:03:36,230 --> 01:03:37,898
Oh, yeah!

1479
01:03:38,065 --> 01:03:40,234
Now I remember.

1480
01:03:40,568 --> 01:03:41,736
<i>It hurt like he/I</i>

1481
01:03:41,902 --> 01:03:42,737
<i>at first</i>

1482
01:03:42,903 --> 01:03:43,654
And then...

1483
01:03:43,821 --> 01:03:44,864
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

1484
01:03:45,865 --> 01:03:47,408
everything faded away.

1485
01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,243
And I went to heaven.

1486
01:03:51,078 --> 01:03:52,079
It was exactly...

1487
01:03:52,246 --> 01:03:53,247
<i>like I imagined it</i>

1488
01:03:53,456 --> 01:03:54,457
[CHATTERING]

1489
01:03:55,249 --> 01:03:56,417
Saint Peter was there...

1490
01:03:56,584 --> 01:03:57,585
to meet me.

1491
01:03:57,752 --> 01:03:59,253
Whoa. No way!

1492
01:03:59,462 --> 01:04:00,963
- NPH?
_Yup_

1493
01:04:01,589 --> 01:04:04,258
ST. PETER:
Make room! Make room! VIP!

1494
01:04:05,176 --> 01:04:06,218
[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

1495
01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:09,096
NEIL: The chicks were hot.
The music was sick.

1496
01:04:09,263 --> 01:04:10,765
There were lasers.

1497
01:04:10,973 --> 01:04:12,683
It was like being famous...

1498
01:04:12,850 --> 01:04:14,143
in the early '90s.

1499
01:04:14,310 --> 01:04:14,977
BARTENDER:
Yeah.

1500
01:04:15,144 --> 01:04:16,020
There he is. NPH.

1501
01:04:16,354 --> 01:04:19,023
- Where the hell am I?
- More like where the heaven are you?

1502
01:04:19,190 --> 01:04:20,941
BARTENDER: What can we get for you?
NEIL & BARTENDERS: Whiskey.

1503
01:04:21,108 --> 01:04:23,194
Straight up.
And a glass of rocks on the side.

1504
01:04:24,236 --> 01:04:25,112
Thanks.

1505
01:04:25,279 --> 01:04:29,700
Hey, hey, look at that.
NPH, Neil Patrick Harris.

1506
01:04:29,867 --> 01:04:31,619
Would you guys be excited to meet him?

1507
01:04:31,786 --> 01:04:33,913
Come on, girls. I'll introduce you.

1508
01:04:34,288 --> 01:04:36,957
Neil Patrick Harris. My man.

1509
01:04:37,458 --> 01:04:38,084
Welcome to...

1510
01:04:38,250 --> 01:04:40,795
heaven. Good to have you on board, NPH.
- Hi.

1511
01:04:40,961 --> 01:04:42,046
Or you prefer Neil?

1512
01:04:42,213 --> 01:04:44,215
Uh, either way, it doesn't matter.
Hey, ladies.

1513
01:04:44,840 --> 01:04:47,802
Neil Patrick Harris.
I played Private Carl Jenkins...

1514
01:04:47,968 --> 01:04:50,137
in Starship Troopers.

1515
01:04:50,346 --> 01:04:54,392
Excuse me, uh, Neil.
But I'm Jesus. So...

1516
01:04:54,975 --> 01:04:55,976
Jesus...?

1517
01:04:56,268 --> 01:04:58,562
Jesus Christ. That's me.
I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.

1518
01:04:59,146 --> 01:05:01,649
Thanks. Couldn't do it
without the little people.

1519
01:05:01,816 --> 01:05:02,566
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1520
01:05:02,733 --> 01:05:03,734
Er— No.

1521
01:05:03,901 --> 01:05:06,028
NEIL: So, ladies, have you ever heard
of something...

1522
01:05:06,195 --> 01:05:08,697
called the Kama Sutra?
JESUS: Come on, Neil.

1523
01:05:08,864 --> 01:05:10,074
Don't play me like that.

1524
01:05:10,241 --> 01:05:11,659
I mean, I'm Jesus Christ.

1525
01:05:11,826 --> 01:05:13,786
- I practically run this place.
- Oh. For reals?

1526
01:05:13,953 --> 01:05:14,912
JESUS:
Yeah, yeah, for real.

1527
01:05:15,079 --> 01:05:17,498
- I mean, my dad owns it but—
- Ha, ha. You're one of those.

1528
01:05:20,126 --> 01:05:21,961
Let's get shots.
Keep the party going.

1529
01:05:22,503 --> 01:05:24,422
- Shots.
JESUS: Yeah, thanks. Couple of shots.

1530
01:05:24,588 --> 01:05:26,715
- That went bad.
- I thought it went good.

1531
01:05:26,882 --> 01:05:27,550
JESUS:
So, girls...

1532
01:05:30,469 --> 01:05:32,221
Aw, come on.

1533
01:05:32,388 --> 01:05:33,681
How did that happen already?

1534
01:05:36,308 --> 01:05:37,518
Give me the phone to Dad.

1535
01:05:38,853 --> 01:05:40,521
GOD: This is God.
- Daddy?

1536
01:05:40,688 --> 01:05:42,398
We need to 86 NPH ASAP:

1537
01:05:42,565 --> 01:05:44,316
He's getting a handjob in my club.

1538
01:05:44,900 --> 01:05:46,610
[MOANS]

1539
01:05:46,777 --> 01:05:49,447
Jesus, what a cockblock.

1540
01:05:50,364 --> 01:05:51,782
Doesn't explain the gay thing.

1541
01:05:51,949 --> 01:05:53,284
You're not gay, motherfucker.

1542
01:05:53,451 --> 01:05:54,160
At all.

1543
01:05:54,326 --> 01:05:55,703
RAUGHS]

1544
01:05:56,203 --> 01:05:58,998
That's a little something
we magicians call "misdirection."

1545
01:05:59,206 --> 01:06:00,374
Little trick I learned...

1546
01:06:00,541 --> 01:06:01,542
from Clay Aiken.
HAROLD: What?

1547
01:06:01,709 --> 01:06:03,127
Clay Aiken's not gay?

1548
01:06:03,294 --> 01:06:07,214
Clay's the biggest coozehound I know.
That guy gets mad gash.

1549
01:06:07,381 --> 01:06:08,299
HAROLD:
Neil, listen.

1550
01:06:08,466 --> 01:06:10,217
I was wondering if—

1551
01:06:10,384 --> 01:06:12,470
I can get you one of those
Christmas trees?

1552
01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:13,679
Sure, no problem.

1553
01:06:13,846 --> 01:06:14,847
How'd you know that?

1554
01:06:15,222 --> 01:06:16,974
I can read your mind.

1555
01:06:18,726 --> 01:06:19,727
KUMAR
All right.

1556
01:06:19,894 --> 01:06:21,020
You might be able to—?

1557
01:06:21,228 --> 01:06:24,356
Hook you up with a free WaffleBot?
You know what? Take mine.

1558
01:06:24,523 --> 01:06:25,900
I hate that android fuck.

1559
01:06:26,108 --> 01:06:28,903
Don't call him that, dude.
What's up, WaffleBot?

1560
01:06:29,069 --> 01:06:31,238
Waffles are awesome.
Pancakes suck, right?

1561
01:06:31,405 --> 01:06:33,199
I hate pancakes.

1562
01:06:33,365 --> 01:06:34,241
I know, so do I.

1563
01:06:34,408 --> 01:06:36,118
Kumar.

1564
01:06:37,495 --> 01:06:38,329
Thanks, Neil.

1565
01:06:38,496 --> 01:06:39,538
- Thanks.
NEIL: No problem.

1566
01:06:39,747 --> 01:06:42,541
Hey, merry Christmas, guys.
We'll see you in the fourth one.

1567
01:06:44,126 --> 01:06:47,463
HAROLD: God, this is amazing. We're
actually gonna make it home before they do.

1568
01:06:47,630 --> 01:06:49,882
- We saved Christmas, man.
KUMAR: Mission accomplished.

1569
01:06:50,049 --> 01:06:52,343
- All right, put down the tree. Put it down.
- Unh!

1570
01:06:52,551 --> 01:06:54,136
HAROLD: All right.
- Waffle break?

1571
01:06:54,345 --> 01:06:56,222
All right. Oh, God.

1572
01:06:56,388 --> 01:06:58,057
Oh, my God. WaffleBot.

1573
01:06:58,265 --> 01:06:59,350
Dude, seriously...

1574
01:06:59,517 --> 01:07:01,268
these are incredible waffles.

1575
01:07:01,435 --> 01:07:04,063
Kumar and Waff/eBot friends forever.

1576
01:07:04,563 --> 01:07:06,398
Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot.

1577
01:07:06,565 --> 01:07:08,150
<i>I love you</i>

1578
01:07:08,317 --> 01:07:09,985
- ... Kumar.
- Ha,ha.

1579
01:07:10,152 --> 01:07:11,529
I love you too, little guy.

1580
01:07:12,029 --> 01:07:12,738
HAROLD:
What the fuck?

1581
01:07:12,905 --> 01:07:14,448
That is the weirdest fucking toy.

1582
01:07:15,074 --> 01:07:15,908
You're haPPY-

1583
01:07:16,075 --> 01:07:18,536
See? You're laughing.
You're having fun. Admit it:

1584
01:07:18,702 --> 01:07:20,621
I'm more fun to hang outwith than Todd.

1585
01:07:20,788 --> 01:07:23,415
Todd and Ava.
I totally forgot about them.

1586
01:07:23,916 --> 01:07:25,251
I'm sure they're fine, right?

1587
01:07:25,417 --> 01:07:26,710
It's going to voice-mail.

1588
01:07:26,877 --> 01:07:28,671
I think they're fine.
Todd's a big boy.

1589
01:07:28,837 --> 01:07:30,965
He's probably putting her
to bed or something.

1590
01:07:31,173 --> 01:07:33,926
Yeah. They're probably fine, right?

1591
01:07:36,804 --> 01:07:38,556
MADEA [ON TV]:
Look at me, look at me!

1592
01:07:38,722 --> 01:07:40,432
Why wasn't you at school today?

1593
01:07:40,599 --> 01:07:41,809
I went to the park.

1594
01:07:41,976 --> 01:07:43,060
She lying-

1595
01:07:43,310 --> 01:07:45,688
MADEA: What was you doing?
You supposed to be at school.

1596
01:07:45,854 --> 01:07:46,855
[BAG RUSTLING]

1597
01:07:47,022 --> 01:07:49,108
Little girl, I'm not gonna
ask you no more.

1598
01:07:49,316 --> 01:07:53,279
NIKKI: I'm not smart like the other kids.
I can't do that stuff.

1599
01:07:53,445 --> 01:07:54,989
MADEA:
Who told you that?

1600
01:07:55,197 --> 01:07:57,283
NIKKI:
My last foster mother.

1601
01:07:57,449 --> 01:08:01,412
She told me that the only thing I'm gonna
be smart enough to do is lay on my back.

1602
01:08:01,579 --> 01:08:04,498
MADEA: The best revenge you can have
on somebody that told you that...

1603
01:08:04,665 --> 01:08:05,708
[CRUNCHING]

1604
01:08:05,874 --> 01:08:08,961
is to prove them wrong. I went to
that school and I got your homework.

1605
01:08:09,128 --> 01:08:12,047
TODD [WHISPERS]:
Are you fucking kidding me?

1606
01:08:12,214 --> 01:08:12,965
["DECK THE HALLS"
PLAYS AS RINGTONE]

1607
01:08:13,132 --> 01:08:13,882
- Oh.
- Oh.

1608
01:08:14,425 --> 01:08:15,968
Maybe that's Todd.

1609
01:08:16,260 --> 01:08:17,970
Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?

1610
01:08:18,137 --> 01:08:19,763
Oh, that's because Maria is—

1611
01:08:19,930 --> 01:08:21,140
- Hello?
VANESSA: Kumar?

1612
01:08:21,348 --> 01:08:22,433
- Is that you?
- Yeah.

1613
01:08:22,600 --> 01:08:24,143
Why are you calling Harold?

1614
01:08:24,351 --> 01:08:24,977
[SIGHS]

1615
01:08:25,144 --> 01:08:26,520
Can I just speak to him, please?

1616
01:08:26,687 --> 01:08:28,105
What? No.

1617
01:08:28,272 --> 01:08:29,481
I've been texting you.

1618
01:08:29,648 --> 01:08:31,400
I haven '1' heard back.
What's going on?

1619
01:08:31,567 --> 01:08:32,735
Tell him I'm not gonna...

1620
01:08:32,901 --> 01:08:34,486
make it to his party tomorrow.

1621
01:08:34,653 --> 01:08:37,406
Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it—

1622
01:08:37,573 --> 01:08:39,533
She won't make it to your party.
Too bad.

1623
01:08:39,700 --> 01:08:41,952
What else have you been
doing behind my back?

1624
01:08:42,119 --> 01:08:44,246
Has she seen your dick?
Is it bigger than mine?

1625
01:08:44,413 --> 01:08:46,999
Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay?
Goodbye.

1626
01:08:47,166 --> 01:08:48,959
No, don't hang up the phone on me.

1627
01:08:49,376 --> 01:08:50,502
Hello?

1628
01:08:51,879 --> 01:08:53,255
Here's your phone.

1629
01:08:53,631 --> 01:08:54,340
What is that?

1630
01:08:54,506 --> 01:08:57,009
That's Vanessa, Todd,
Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav.

1631
01:08:57,176 --> 01:08:59,011
Does everybody know
about this party?

1632
01:08:59,178 --> 01:09:01,221
Listen, if you want you can come.

1633
01:09:01,388 --> 01:09:03,974
I don't wanna come to your
shitty-ass party, dude.

1634
01:09:04,141 --> 01:09:06,352
I can't believe you'd invite
Vanessa and not tell me.

1635
01:09:06,518 --> 01:09:08,145
Am I supposed to feel bad?

1636
01:09:08,312 --> 01:09:11,815
Maybe if you acted more like an adult,
you'd get invited to adult parties.

1637
01:09:11,982 --> 01:09:14,193
Maybe you should go back
to your fancy house...

1638
01:09:14,401 --> 01:09:16,612
with your douchey friends
and gay-ass sconces.

1639
01:09:16,779 --> 01:09:18,238
I don't need to be part of this.

1640
01:09:18,405 --> 01:09:19,698
I love those sconces.

1641
01:09:19,907 --> 01:09:22,368
You know, I was really happy
till you showed up today.

1642
01:09:22,534 --> 01:09:24,328
Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude.

1643
01:09:24,495 --> 01:09:25,954
- I'm out.
- Fine with me.

1644
01:09:26,121 --> 01:09:26,664
Fine.

1645
01:09:26,830 --> 01:09:28,040
- Cool.
- All right.

1646
01:09:28,207 --> 01:09:30,209
- Are we having lovers' quarrel?
- Oh, shit.

1647
01:09:30,959 --> 01:09:32,127
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

1648
01:09:35,923 --> 01:09:39,218
Kumar, my friend.

1649
01:09:42,179 --> 01:09:43,430
Oh, look.

1650
01:09:43,597 --> 01:09:44,473
A WaffleBot.

1651
01:09:44,640 --> 01:09:45,307
GUSTAV:
Mary would...

1652
01:09:45,474 --> 01:09:46,892
love one of these.
- Uh-huh.

1653
01:09:47,059 --> 01:09:48,227
GUSTAV:
Grab it.

1654
01:09:48,435 --> 01:09:50,062
Oh, crap.

1655
01:09:55,734 --> 01:09:56,944
GUSTAV:
Wake up!

1656
01:09:57,945 --> 01:10:00,239
Wake up! Wake up!

1657
01:10:00,948 --> 01:10:02,116
Wake up.

1658
01:10:03,826 --> 01:10:05,327
- Wake up.
- Oh.

1659
01:10:05,577 --> 01:10:07,121
Oh, shit.

1660
01:10:07,329 --> 01:10:10,082
Please, I don't know what we've done,
but please let us go.

1661
01:10:10,249 --> 01:10:12,584
After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?

1662
01:10:12,751 --> 01:10:14,086
That was a misunderstanding.

1663
01:10:14,253 --> 01:10:16,213
I'm freezing!
Give us back our clothes.

1664
01:10:16,380 --> 01:10:18,257
Yuri, warm them up.

1665
01:10:22,886 --> 01:10:24,972
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.

1666
01:10:25,139 --> 01:10:26,265
KUMAR:
Please don't do that

1667
01:10:26,473 --> 01:10:29,727
Please, please, please.
There is a very serious gas crisis...

1668
01:10:29,893 --> 01:10:32,104
in the world. Let's discuss.
- Come on, man!

1669
01:10:32,271 --> 01:10:35,065
As they say in my country:

1670
01:10:35,232 --> 01:10:36,316
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]

1671
01:10:36,483 --> 01:10:37,985
No, don't say "do svidaniya."

1672
01:10:38,152 --> 01:10:40,154
Yuri, light them up.

1673
01:10:40,320 --> 01:10:41,989
No, please don't light us up.

1674
01:10:48,579 --> 01:10:50,080
You didn't get the lighter.

1675
01:10:50,289 --> 01:10:53,709
You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee.

1676
01:10:53,876 --> 01:10:55,085
Nothing about lighter.

1677
01:10:55,502 --> 01:10:57,296
GUSTAV:
You stupid...

1678
01:10:57,504 --> 01:11:00,340
fucking moron!

1679
01:11:00,507 --> 01:11:02,843
What do you think
we light the gasoline with?

1680
01:11:03,010 --> 01:11:04,094
You know what, Gustav?

1681
01:11:04,428 --> 01:11:08,348
I'm sick and tired of your fucking
passive-aggressive bullshit.

1682
01:11:08,557 --> 01:11:10,559
- You know what this is about?
- What?

1683
01:11:10,726 --> 01:11:12,060
Tell me what is it about.

1684
01:11:12,227 --> 01:11:16,190
You can't take the fact that
Sergei likes me better than you.

1685
01:11:18,942 --> 01:11:19,651
Oh, shit.

1686
01:11:20,194 --> 01:11:21,528
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1687
01:11:23,197 --> 01:11:24,323
[GUSTAV SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

1688
01:11:30,871 --> 01:11:31,622
Hey, guys, stop!

1689
01:11:31,789 --> 01:11:34,082
Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it

1690
01:11:35,501 --> 01:11:38,796
Now, look, I understand that you guys
have your issues, okay?

1691
01:11:39,129 --> 01:11:43,091
But wasn't there a time you actually
used to get along? You might be in...

1692
01:11:43,258 --> 01:11:46,845
a different time and place,
but that doesn't change the fact that you...

1693
01:11:47,012 --> 01:11:49,848
have a long and probably
beautiful history together.

1694
01:11:51,642 --> 01:11:55,229
Yeah, maybe one of you fucks up
every now and again.

1695
01:11:55,729 --> 01:11:56,980
Happens.

1696
01:11:57,147 --> 01:11:59,525
Maybe he fucks up all the time.

1697
01:12:00,234 --> 01:12:02,861
Doesn't mean the other should
forget about the good times.

1698
01:12:03,237 --> 01:12:04,404
Right.

1699
01:12:06,490 --> 01:12:07,658
Right.

1700
01:12:07,825 --> 01:12:12,746
Yeah, and maybe just
because the other one.

1701
01:12:12,913 --> 01:12:14,790
Is trying to act like an adult...

1702
01:12:14,957 --> 01:12:17,668
and be responsible
doesn't necessarily mean...

1703
01:12:17,835 --> 01:12:19,837
that he's being a fucking chode.

1704
01:12:20,379 --> 01:12:23,966
Maybe he's been a chode,
caring more about bay windows...

1705
01:12:24,132 --> 01:12:26,552
and sconces
than a lifetime of friendship.

1706
01:12:28,762 --> 01:12:29,763
What do you say, GUYS?

1707
01:12:31,098 --> 01:12:33,100
[SOBBING]

1708
01:12:35,269 --> 01:12:36,895
- Yeah, hug it out.
- All right.

1709
01:12:37,604 --> 01:12:38,272
He)', guys.

1710
01:12:38,438 --> 01:12:40,274
How about you cut us out?

1711
01:12:40,524 --> 01:12:42,568
We'll go get ourselves
a Christmas beer.

1712
01:12:42,776 --> 01:12:44,653
- A beer sounds great.
HAROLD: Awesome.

1713
01:12:45,070 --> 01:12:46,071
[CHUCKLES]

1714
01:12:46,280 --> 01:12:47,239
GUSTAV:
But first...

1715
01:12:47,406 --> 01:12:49,032
we have some killing to do.

1716
01:12:49,199 --> 01:12:49,867
Come on!

1717
01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:51,743
After we just had that breakthrough?

1718
01:12:51,910 --> 01:12:55,289
Sorry. Say your goodbyes.
It'll all be over quick.

1719
01:12:57,583 --> 01:12:59,918
- Is this how we die'?
- I think so, dude.

1720
01:13:01,587 --> 01:13:02,588
Bye, Kumar.

1721
01:13:03,672 --> 01:13:05,048
Bye, Harold.

1722
01:13:05,591 --> 01:13:06,717
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.

1723
01:13:06,884 --> 01:13:08,093
Your waffles...

1724
01:13:08,302 --> 01:13:09,803
are ready.
- WaffleBot?

1725
01:13:11,555 --> 01:13:13,932
These guys think pancakes
are better than waffles.

1726
01:13:14,308 --> 01:13:15,434
I hate...

1727
01:13:15,601 --> 01:13:17,185
pancakes.

1728
01:13:21,189 --> 01:13:22,858
[GUN CLICKING]

1729
01:13:23,317 --> 01:13:24,776
They serve pancakes...

1730
01:13:24,943 --> 01:13:26,820
<i>in hell</i>

1731
01:13:28,655 --> 01:13:29,197
[SCREAMS]

1732
01:13:29,364 --> 01:13:29,907
Ooh!

1733
01:13:32,951 --> 01:13:34,161
BOTH:
Holy shit!

1734
01:13:34,328 --> 01:13:35,704
You hurt my brother!

1735
01:13:37,539 --> 01:13:38,624
[GROANS THEN YELLS]

1736
01:13:40,584 --> 01:13:41,251
[GRUNTS]

1737
01:13:41,418 --> 01:13:42,836
[BOTH LAUGH]

1738
01:13:43,045 --> 01:13:43,712
KU MAR:
Whoo!

1739
01:13:43,879 --> 01:13:44,588
[GRUNTS]

1740
01:13:44,755 --> 01:13:46,924
- How do we get out of these ropes?
- WaffleBot.

1741
01:13:47,090 --> 01:13:48,967
Kumar.

1742
01:13:49,468 --> 01:13:51,011
Can you untie us?

1743
01:13:51,219 --> 01:13:52,262
<i>Battery low</i>

1744
01:13:52,429 --> 01:13:53,889
Losing...

1745
01:13:54,056 --> 01:13:55,182
power.

1746
01:13:55,349 --> 01:13:56,391
WaffleBot, look at me.

1747
01:13:56,558 --> 01:13:57,643
You can do this, man.

1748
01:14:09,571 --> 01:14:12,449
- Ha,ha.
- Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot.

1749
01:14:13,158 --> 01:14:14,868
You're welcome, Kumar.

1750
01:14:15,035 --> 01:14:20,290
Pancakes are fucking gay.

1751
01:14:22,876 --> 01:14:25,671
Holy shit. That is the best
Christmas toy ever.

1752
01:14:26,129 --> 01:14:27,798
HAROLD:
I guess. It's extraordinarily...

1753
01:14:27,965 --> 01:14:30,300
unsafe, but it did save our lives.

1754
01:14:31,885 --> 01:14:33,428
- Listen, man, I—
- Man, this—

1755
01:14:33,595 --> 01:14:35,639
- Aah!
- Oh, my God.

1756
01:14:36,264 --> 01:14:37,891
Holy shit!

1757
01:14:38,517 --> 01:14:39,518
This is like that...

1758
01:14:39,685 --> 01:14:41,186
scene from A Christmas Story.

1759
01:14:41,395 --> 01:14:43,522
Is it like the scene from
A Christmas Story?

1760
01:14:43,689 --> 01:14:45,023
I just saw this scene.

1761
01:14:45,190 --> 01:14:45,899
[HAROLD GRUNTING]

1762
01:14:46,149 --> 01:14:48,151
- Oh, fuck!
- Okay, we need...

1763
01:14:48,318 --> 01:14:50,862
some sort of a warm liquid.
I'll spit on it.

1764
01:14:51,029 --> 01:14:52,739
Don't fucking spit on my dick!

1765
01:14:52,906 --> 01:14:54,157
Fine. Can you pee on it?

1766
01:14:54,408 --> 01:14:55,909
Give me a second.

1767
01:14:56,660 --> 01:14:58,537
- It's not working.
- Fine, I'll pee on it.

1768
01:14:58,704 --> 01:14:59,788
Don't pee on me!

1769
01:14:59,955 --> 01:15:01,415
Jesus! Well, then what the hell do—?

1770
01:15:01,581 --> 01:15:03,917
- Oh. Our clothes.
- Oh.

1771
01:15:04,084 --> 01:15:05,377
Cool about the clothes.

1772
01:15:05,544 --> 01:15:07,421
My dick's stuck to a pole!

1773
01:15:09,756 --> 01:15:12,259
Dude, you're in luck.
There's still coffee in here.

1774
01:15:12,426 --> 01:15:14,136
Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!

1775
01:15:14,302 --> 01:15:16,513
Okay, look, this is scalding hot coffee.

1776
01:15:16,680 --> 01:15:20,392
So I'm just gonna pour a little bit on.
Probably gonna sting for a second.

1777
01:15:20,559 --> 01:15:21,977
- Get it over with!
- All right.

1778
01:15:22,185 --> 01:15:23,311
Just let me just—

1779
01:15:24,062 --> 01:15:24,938
[SCREAMING]

1780
01:15:25,188 --> 01:15:26,064
- I'm sorry.
- Fuck!

1781
01:15:26,231 --> 01:15:27,399
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude!

1782
01:15:27,566 --> 01:15:29,067
Oh, God, I ruined your dick!

1783
01:15:29,234 --> 01:15:30,402
You asshole!

1784
01:15:30,569 --> 01:15:31,862
Just walk it off.

1785
01:15:32,029 --> 01:15:33,530
Walk it off.

1786
01:15:37,492 --> 01:15:39,494
[WHISPERS] How long are we supposed
to stay in here?

1787
01:15:39,703 --> 01:15:42,330
TODD [WHISPERS]:
Until that fucking Russian sociopathic...

1788
01:15:42,497 --> 01:15:43,749
killing machine leaves.

1789
01:15:47,335 --> 01:15:49,755
They gave my daughter ecstasy.

1790
01:15:49,963 --> 01:15:51,214
[IN RUSSIAN]

1791
01:15:51,381 --> 01:15:53,759
I don't know Russian,
but he seems a little upset.

1792
01:15:53,967 --> 01:15:55,343
I'd say so. Shh, shh!

1793
01:15:55,719 --> 01:15:56,928
ADRIAN:
She's crashing hard.

1794
01:15:57,095 --> 01:15:58,680
We gotta give her more blow.

1795
01:15:58,847 --> 01:16:00,098
No, no! No more cocaine!

1796
01:16:00,265 --> 01:16:01,141
Ineedifl

1797
01:16:01,308 --> 01:16:03,351
- There's some.
- Do not give her more!

1798
01:16:03,518 --> 01:16:04,603
Give it to me!

1799
01:16:04,770 --> 01:16:05,812
TODD:
Ava, no! No, please!

1800
01:16:05,979 --> 01:16:07,481
Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!

1801
01:16:07,981 --> 01:16:09,107
ADRIAN:
Dude, look.

1802
01:16:09,274 --> 01:16:10,275
Oh, this is not good!

1803
01:16:10,484 --> 01:16:11,526
Oh, this is not good.

1804
01:16:11,735 --> 01:16:12,778
Oh, this is not good!

1805
01:16:13,278 --> 01:16:15,614
Ava! Scooch to Daddy!
Hide behind Daddy!

1806
01:16:15,781 --> 01:16:17,949
ADRIAN:
New plan. Let's bash through the door.

1807
01:16:18,116 --> 01:16:19,117
You steal his gun.

1808
01:16:19,284 --> 01:16:21,286
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!

1809
01:16:35,509 --> 01:16:36,134
[SNIFFS]

1810
01:16:38,637 --> 01:16:39,721
[GRUNTS]

1811
01:16:43,058 --> 01:16:43,767
TODD:
Yah!

1812
01:16:44,559 --> 01:16:47,020
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm—

1813
01:16:48,563 --> 01:16:49,856
I'm so sorry. Wow.

1814
01:16:50,023 --> 01:16:52,651
I thought that would
knock you out, obviously.

1815
01:16:52,818 --> 01:16:53,985
Look. We are...

1816
01:16:54,152 --> 01:16:55,403
two reasonable guys...

1817
01:16:55,570 --> 01:16:57,280
and...

1818
01:16:57,447 --> 01:16:58,782
[OBJECT THUMPS]

1819
01:16:59,574 --> 01:17:00,325
[THUDS]

1820
01:17:02,035 --> 01:17:04,830
These are dangerous,
but, aw, it's a great workout.

1821
01:17:05,038 --> 01:17:06,998
You can really feel it.

1822
01:17:07,165 --> 01:17:09,876
Bis, pecs, this one.

1823
01:17:10,168 --> 01:17:11,711
TODD:
Thank you, Adrian.

1824
01:17:11,878 --> 01:17:13,713
That was a really great team effort.

1825
01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,674
Who's my sidekick? You are.

1826
01:17:15,841 --> 01:17:16,466
Let's go.

1827
01:17:16,633 --> 01:17:19,553
Good girl! Let's go home!
Let's go see Santa.

1828
01:17:19,928 --> 01:17:20,679
Oh, mints!

1829
01:17:22,764 --> 01:17:23,557
Mm.

1830
01:17:25,684 --> 01:17:27,185
HAROLD:
Where the fuck are we?

1831
01:17:27,352 --> 01:17:30,063
Those guys weren't kidding.
We're in the middle of nowhere.

1832
01:17:31,690 --> 01:17:32,816
Do you have any bars?

1833
01:17:33,233 --> 01:17:35,360
- I got no bars.
- Shit. Nothing here.

1834
01:17:35,819 --> 01:17:37,070
Hello?

1835
01:17:38,697 --> 01:17:40,365
Anybody here?

1836
01:17:41,116 --> 01:17:42,367
Forget it. Just—

1837
01:17:42,868 --> 01:17:44,202
Forget it. It's past 2 a.m.

1838
01:17:44,369 --> 01:17:47,205
They're home, wondering where I am,
where the tree is.

1839
01:17:47,372 --> 01:17:48,582
I just—

1840
01:17:49,374 --> 01:17:51,418
It's such a disaster, this fucking night.

1841
01:17:51,585 --> 01:17:53,545
Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude.

1842
01:17:53,712 --> 01:17:54,963
No. When Maria's dad...

1843
01:17:55,130 --> 01:17:57,632
was a young boy in Medellin-
- Vanessa's pregnant.

1844
01:17:58,091 --> 01:17:59,217
What?

1845
01:17:59,384 --> 01:18:02,137
She told me earlier today.
My reaction was not awesome.

1846
01:18:02,971 --> 01:18:05,557
I thought weed stunted fertility.
That's why I quit.

1847
01:18:05,724 --> 01:18:08,143
Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.

1848
01:18:08,351 --> 01:18:10,437
Wait a second,
that's why you quit weed?

1849
01:18:10,729 --> 01:18:12,147
Yeah, that's why I—

1850
01:18:13,607 --> 01:18:17,068
We've been trying for like a...
For a year.

1851
01:18:17,235 --> 01:18:18,570
Oh, man.

1852
01:18:18,737 --> 01:18:20,864
Now I feel even worse about your dick.

1853
01:18:21,114 --> 01:18:22,282
I don't wanna—

1854
01:18:22,449 --> 01:18:23,617
How do we get out?

1855
01:18:26,244 --> 01:18:27,245
Igotanidea.

1856
01:18:30,123 --> 01:18:31,583
I saw this in a movie, man.

1857
01:18:31,750 --> 01:18:34,127
Just shoot this motherfucker,
people come.

1858
01:18:34,294 --> 01:18:35,295
We can find people.

1859
01:18:35,462 --> 01:18:37,756
No, it's fine. Aah!

1860
01:18:41,760 --> 01:18:42,469
Now what?

1861
01:18:43,136 --> 01:18:44,262
I don't know.

1862
01:18:44,971 --> 01:18:46,306
[MAN GROANING]

1863
01:18:48,141 --> 01:18:49,476
No fucking way.

1864
01:18:59,945 --> 01:19:01,279
Santa, can you hear me?

1865
01:19:01,446 --> 01:19:02,948
Oh, what the fuck?

1866
01:19:03,156 --> 01:19:06,660
Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident.
I'm gonna take a closer look.

1867
01:19:08,536 --> 01:19:09,162
Oh, God!

1868
01:19:09,329 --> 01:19:10,163
This isn't good.

1869
01:19:10,330 --> 01:19:11,665
Mr. Claus, can you feel...

1870
01:19:11,831 --> 01:19:12,499
any of this?

1871
01:19:12,666 --> 01:19:13,667
[BOTH YELL]

1872
01:19:14,167 --> 01:19:15,627
SANTA:
Just let me die, please!

1873
01:19:15,794 --> 01:19:17,170
Let me die in peace!

1874
01:19:17,337 --> 01:19:20,006
No. Nobody's dying, Claus.
Not on my watch.

1875
01:19:20,173 --> 01:19:22,842
Listen to me. I need you to go
into Santa's gift bag...

1876
01:19:23,009 --> 01:19:25,220
get as many medical supplies
as you can.

1877
01:19:35,689 --> 01:19:36,815
Oh, God!

1878
01:19:38,733 --> 01:19:39,859
Aah!

1879
01:19:42,821 --> 01:19:44,239
KU MAR:
Ah, there.

1880
01:19:44,572 --> 01:19:45,740
I think that'll do it.

1881
01:19:45,991 --> 01:19:47,242
How do you feel, Mr. Claus?

1882
01:19:47,450 --> 01:19:49,327
Uh, a little woozy.

1883
01:19:49,494 --> 01:19:51,079
The morphine. It'll wear off.

1884
01:19:51,246 --> 01:19:53,456
Nice. But I...

1885
01:19:53,623 --> 01:19:54,582
think I'm okay.

1886
01:19:54,749 --> 01:19:57,961
Look, Santa, we're so sorry.

1887
01:19:58,128 --> 01:20:00,380
Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.

1888
01:20:00,547 --> 01:20:02,799
You two have always been good boys.

1889
01:20:03,591 --> 01:20:05,176
Tell that to my father-in-law.

1890
01:20:05,343 --> 01:20:08,179
Hey, man, I can take the blame
for that, all right?

1891
01:20:08,346 --> 01:20:10,390
Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...

1892
01:20:10,557 --> 01:20:13,643
but I'm running a little late
and I have all these...

1893
01:20:13,810 --> 01:20:15,687
presents to deliver.

1894
01:20:15,854 --> 01:20:17,856
So you guys need a ride
or something?

1895
01:20:18,356 --> 01:20:19,482
Seriously?

1896
01:20:19,941 --> 01:20:22,193
KUMAR:
Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!

1897
01:20:22,360 --> 01:20:24,029
It's not not awesome!

1898
01:20:24,738 --> 01:20:25,989
On, Blitzen! Hyah!

1899
01:20:26,573 --> 01:20:27,824
[SANTA CHUCKLES]

1900
01:20:28,575 --> 01:20:30,243
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLING]

1901
01:20:37,792 --> 01:20:39,294
[SANTA CHUCKLES]

1902
01:20:41,921 --> 01:20:43,089
Thanks for the ride.

1903
01:20:43,757 --> 01:20:44,549
I'm guessing...

1904
01:20:44,758 --> 01:20:46,885
you don't have a 12-foot Fraser fir?

1905
01:20:47,135 --> 01:20:48,636
Sorry. I can't help you there.

1906
01:20:49,137 --> 01:20:49,888
Besides...

1907
01:20:50,055 --> 01:20:51,556
I gave you your present.

1908
01:20:51,765 --> 01:20:53,391
- You did?
SANTA: Yes.

1909
01:20:53,558 --> 01:20:54,768
You got my package, right?

1910
01:20:54,934 --> 01:20:55,602
The joint?

1911
01:20:56,144 --> 01:20:57,395
- That was you?
SANTA: Yeah.

1912
01:20:57,562 --> 01:21:00,273
It was my little way of bringing
you boys back together.

1913
01:21:02,942 --> 01:21:03,610
Dude...

1914
01:21:03,902 --> 01:21:06,154
I'd really like it
if you came over tomorrow.

1915
01:21:06,404 --> 01:21:08,114
Won't be a party unless you're there.

1916
01:21:08,281 --> 01:21:10,408
It's about fucking time, Roldy.

1917
01:21:10,825 --> 01:21:12,577
I wouldn't miss it, man.

1918
01:21:16,331 --> 01:21:19,084
By the way, for what it's worth...

1919
01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:20,919
you'd make a great dad.

1920
01:21:22,420 --> 01:21:23,171
SANTA:
Well, I guess...

1921
01:21:23,338 --> 01:21:25,548
this is goodbye, Roldy.
Be a good boy...

1922
01:21:25,715 --> 01:21:26,591
next year.

1923
01:21:26,800 --> 01:21:27,759
All right.

1924
01:21:27,926 --> 01:21:30,970
No more jerking off into a sock
filled with baby powder.

1925
01:21:31,304 --> 01:21:33,973
_I__
SANTA: Ha, ha. Don't worry.

1926
01:21:34,140 --> 01:21:35,767
I'm just teasing you.

1927
01:21:35,934 --> 01:21:37,268
I do it too.

1928
01:21:37,435 --> 01:21:38,103
RAUGHS]

1929
01:21:40,814 --> 01:21:45,652
On, Prancer! On, Comet!
On, Blitzen! Hyah!

1930
01:21:48,321 --> 01:21:50,323
Merry Christmas, Roldy!

1931
01:22:01,584 --> 01:22:02,710
MR. PEREZ:
Where's the tree?

1932
01:22:08,883 --> 01:22:09,634
It's, um...

1933
01:22:10,343 --> 01:22:12,387
Okay, what happened is that, um...

1934
01:22:13,346 --> 01:22:14,681
You said you were going to...

1935
01:22:14,848 --> 01:22:17,475
take care of it.
Now where's the tree?

1936
01:22:17,642 --> 01:22:20,145
What happened to the tree is, uh...

1937
01:22:21,104 --> 01:22:22,522
I kind of burned it down.

1938
01:22:24,524 --> 01:22:26,359
That tree was a Perez...

1939
01:22:26,526 --> 01:22:28,194
family tradition.

1940
01:22:28,361 --> 01:22:30,363
You ruined Christmas!

1941
01:22:30,613 --> 01:22:32,740
Ha, ha. I ruined your—?

1942
01:22:32,907 --> 01:22:34,409
You ruined my Christmas, man!

1943
01:22:34,868 --> 01:22:37,162
Heh, heh. Do you know what happened?

1944
01:22:37,370 --> 01:22:40,999
Uh, I inadvertently introduced
a baby to cocaine.

1945
01:22:41,166 --> 01:22:44,711
I was almost burned alive
by Ukrainian gangsters.

1946
01:22:44,878 --> 01:22:46,421
I was drugged by...

1947
01:22:46,588 --> 01:22:49,757
asshole teenagers. Then I danced
in a Christmas extravaganza.

1948
01:22:49,924 --> 01:22:51,843
And I'm a terrible dancer.

1949
01:22:52,010 --> 01:22:53,553
I almost had my dick ripped off.

1950
01:22:53,928 --> 01:22:55,096
And then I shot...

1951
01:22:55,263 --> 01:22:59,017
Santa Claus in the fucking face.
He's real, and I shot him in the face.

1952
01:22:59,184 --> 01:22:59,934
Why?

1953
01:23:01,019 --> 01:23:02,228
Because I wanted you...

1954
01:23:02,395 --> 01:23:05,064
to have a perfect
fucking Christmas.

1955
01:23:05,523 --> 01:23:07,025
Now, here's a newsflash:

1956
01:23:07,192 --> 01:23:09,152
This is my house.

1957
01:23:09,319 --> 01:23:11,362
Maria is my wife.

1958
01:23:11,529 --> 01:23:14,532
And if you want to be in our family...

1959
01:23:14,782 --> 01:23:17,410
you best show me some
fucking respect.

1960
01:23:20,038 --> 01:23:21,247
Is that too much?

1961
01:23:23,791 --> 01:23:24,792
I like it.

1962
01:23:24,959 --> 01:23:26,419
- Really?
- Look.

1963
01:23:26,711 --> 01:23:28,796
I always knew you were a nice guy.

1964
01:23:29,047 --> 01:23:31,424
But that's not enough
to be with my Maria.

1965
01:23:31,591 --> 01:23:32,926
I didn't want her to be...

1966
01:23:33,092 --> 01:23:34,719
with some wimpy pussy.

1967
01:23:35,720 --> 01:23:36,679
But you

1968
01:23:36,846 --> 01:23:38,681
You showed me you got cojones.

1969
01:23:38,848 --> 01:23:39,724
Testicles, right?

1970
01:23:41,059 --> 01:23:42,060
Rosetta Stone.

1971
01:23:43,436 --> 01:23:44,938
- You know what?
- What's that?

1972
01:23:45,313 --> 01:23:46,773
This coming Easter...

1973
01:23:48,233 --> 01:23:49,984
you guys come to my house.

1974
01:23:50,193 --> 01:23:53,404
That would really be great.
Thank you, Carlos.

1975
01:23:53,571 --> 01:23:54,239
Mr. Perez.

1976
01:23:54,447 --> 01:23:55,490
Mr. Perez.

1977
01:23:55,657 --> 01:23:56,658
[GULPS]

1978
01:24:08,962 --> 01:24:10,129
KUMAR
Fuck!

1979
01:24:11,130 --> 01:24:11,798
Kumar!

1980
01:24:11,965 --> 01:24:12,924
Jesus!

1981
01:24:13,091 --> 01:24:17,428
I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell
but I didn't want to wake your parents.

1982
01:24:17,595 --> 01:24:19,847
What—? What are you doing?
You can't just—

1983
01:24:20,014 --> 01:24:21,349
Hold on. There's something...

1984
01:24:21,516 --> 01:24:22,934
I need to say to you, okay?

1985
01:24:23,101 --> 01:24:26,479
When you told me you were pregnant,
I admit I was scared as shit.

1986
01:24:27,021 --> 01:24:29,315
The more I think about it,
the more excited I am.

1987
01:24:29,774 --> 01:24:31,317
I mean, I love kids.

1988
01:24:31,734 --> 01:24:33,278
That's because you are a kid.

1989
01:24:33,486 --> 01:24:37,198
I know. But... Look, if you
give me another chance...

1990
01:24:37,365 --> 01:24:41,869
I promise you I will go back to the
medical board, I'll get my job back.

1991
01:24:42,036 --> 01:24:43,705
I'll even quit weed if I have to.

1992
01:24:43,871 --> 01:24:45,123
You'd quit weed?

1993
01:24:45,290 --> 01:24:47,875
Of course. I would do anything for you.

1994
01:24:48,042 --> 01:24:50,837
When I saw what Harold did
for his family tonight...

1995
01:24:51,004 --> 01:24:53,298
it made me realize
how important you are to me.

1996
01:24:53,506 --> 01:24:56,009
I wish I would've realized that sooner.

1997
01:24:56,342 --> 01:24:57,802
You don't have to do this.

1998
01:24:58,803 --> 01:25:00,513
I know I don't have to.

1999
01:25:01,347 --> 01:25:02,682
I want to.

2000
01:25:08,521 --> 01:25:09,522
Do me a favor.

2001
01:25:09,689 --> 01:25:10,815
Yeah, anything.

2002
01:25:13,318 --> 01:25:14,652
Don't quit weed.

2003
01:25:14,819 --> 01:25:16,070
What?

2004
01:25:16,279 --> 01:25:19,073
Just remember,
next time you take a drug test...

2005
01:25:19,282 --> 01:25:20,408
use my pee.

2006
01:25:21,409 --> 01:25:22,535
I love you.

2007
01:25:23,036 --> 01:25:24,329
I love you too.

2008
01:25:29,042 --> 01:25:31,419
Let's have some sex
before you get all fat on me.

2009
01:25:31,586 --> 01:25:32,795
[VANESSA CHUCKLING]

2010
01:25:46,559 --> 01:25:48,353
MARIA:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

2011
01:25:48,561 --> 01:25:50,438
Harold! Wake up! Baby.

2012
01:25:51,939 --> 01:25:54,108
- It's pink.
- Oh, my God.

2013
01:25:54,317 --> 01:25:56,444
- It's pink.
- It's a miracle.

2014
01:25:57,195 --> 01:25:58,237
It's a miracle.

2015
01:25:58,404 --> 01:25:59,447
[MR. PEREZ SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

2016
01:25:59,614 --> 01:26:00,698
MR. PEREZ:
It's a miracle!

2017
01:26:00,865 --> 01:26:02,116
It's a miracle!

2018
01:26:02,575 --> 01:26:05,203
Isn't this the most beautiful tree
you've ever seen?

2019
01:26:05,703 --> 01:26:07,747
I came downstairs this morning...

2020
01:26:07,914 --> 01:26:09,374
and here she was.

2021
01:26:13,711 --> 01:26:14,879
God bless us, everyone!

2022
01:26:15,588 --> 01:26:17,173
[ALL GASP]

2023
01:26:19,092 --> 01:26:21,344
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

2024
01:27:45,011 --> 01:27:48,431
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

2025
01:27:48,598 --> 01:27:50,266
RAUGHS]

2026
01:36:11,016 --> 01:36:13,018
[English - US - SDH]