1 00:00:02,609 --> 00:00:04,894 Come on, football! Go, go! 2 00:00:07,019 --> 00:00:08,442 Oh, come on. 3 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,067 Play football! 4 00:00:18,661 --> 00:00:19,826 Aaah! 5 00:00:20,904 --> 00:00:22,420 So, you're mining stuff to craft with 6 00:00:22,478 --> 00:00:23,920 and crafting stuff to mine with? 7 00:00:23,983 --> 00:00:25,872 - Uh-huh. - Did your dad write this game? 8 00:00:25,930 --> 00:00:26,930 Mean. 9 00:00:30,109 --> 00:00:33,553 Gentlemen, you're needed by a friend in Washington! 10 00:00:33,703 --> 00:00:35,490 How clandestine. 11 00:00:37,154 --> 00:00:38,371 If they can teleport, 12 00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:39,812 - why did we take... - I just work here, Steve, 13 00:00:39,869 --> 00:00:41,170 same as you! 14 00:00:41,719 --> 00:00:44,162 All right. All right, all right. 15 00:00:44,569 --> 00:00:46,779 - Mr. President. - It's about time, gentlemen. 16 00:00:46,857 --> 00:00:48,374 - Rick, do you need to drink in here? - Yes. 17 00:00:48,431 --> 00:00:49,475 Here's the adventure. 18 00:00:49,533 --> 00:00:51,279 Some kind of alien... googa 19 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,340 has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. 20 00:00:53,425 --> 00:00:55,217 I want it hunted down and taken out. 21 00:00:55,275 --> 00:00:56,670 Kennedy Sex Tunnels? 22 00:00:56,728 --> 00:00:58,240 Naturally, you'll forget you saw them, 23 00:00:58,298 --> 00:01:00,404 along with, in order of national embarrassment, 24 00:01:00,481 --> 00:01:02,581 the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, 25 00:01:02,659 --> 00:01:04,514 and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum. 26 00:01:04,714 --> 00:01:06,147 He didn't free them all. 27 00:01:06,224 --> 00:01:07,541 And let me know when you're done. 28 00:01:07,599 --> 00:01:08,621 Maybe then we could get a selfie? 29 00:01:08,678 --> 00:01:10,928 Too busy, Morty. Now tell me about this summit. 30 00:01:10,986 --> 00:01:12,990 Is it a peace one or a regular one? 31 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,209 Ugh. This sucks. 32 00:01:25,309 --> 00:01:26,409 God, tell me about it. 33 00:01:26,467 --> 00:01:28,049 Oh, man. If you're not into it... 34 00:01:28,107 --> 00:01:29,797 What do you mean? Why would I be into it? 35 00:01:29,855 --> 00:01:31,920 - It's lame. - You're into lame stuff, Morty. 36 00:01:31,978 --> 00:01:34,123 I thought young dumb people considered it an honor 37 00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:36,131 to work for presidents or whatever the shit. 38 00:01:36,189 --> 00:01:38,584 Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks. 39 00:01:38,641 --> 00:01:40,373 He treats us like Ghostbusters. 40 00:01:40,431 --> 00:01:42,265 - We should talk to him. - Yeah, that sounds fun. 41 00:01:42,322 --> 00:01:44,664 Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak 42 00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:45,693 that thinks he runs the world 43 00:01:45,751 --> 00:01:48,111 and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity. 44 00:01:48,169 --> 00:01:50,334 It's either that or more of this. 45 00:01:50,531 --> 00:01:51,725 Third choice... 46 00:01:51,829 --> 00:01:53,458 - "Minecraft." - You like it now? 47 00:01:53,516 --> 00:01:54,556 Got to be honest, Morty. 48 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:55,678 It's growing on me. 49 00:01:56,060 --> 00:01:57,136 Notify the president. 50 00:01:57,194 --> 00:01:58,222 What do I tell him? 51 00:01:58,280 --> 00:01:59,482 Tell him the truth. 52 00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:03,115 Tell him Rick and Morty just blew off America. 53 00:02:03,298 --> 00:02:07,032 ♪♪ 54 00:02:07,089 --> 00:02:10,735 ♪♪ 55 00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:34,703 ♪♪ *RICK AND MORTY Season 03 Episode 10 Title: "The Rickchurian Mortydate" 56 00:02:35,426 --> 00:02:36,918 You can use that wood to make a chest. 57 00:02:36,976 --> 00:02:38,448 Oh, good. Then I can store all this wood 58 00:02:38,505 --> 00:02:40,041 I'll need later for chest-making. 59 00:02:40,107 --> 00:02:41,185 Okay. You're not going to have fun 60 00:02:41,242 --> 00:02:42,426 if you analyze everything. 61 00:02:42,503 --> 00:02:43,732 This is what they'd rather do? 62 00:02:43,790 --> 00:02:45,333 It's all in the transcript. 63 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,286 "Treats us like Ghostbusters." 64 00:02:47,382 --> 00:02:49,212 So, Ghostbusters aren't cool now? 65 00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:50,778 I don't recall signing that bill. 66 00:02:50,836 --> 00:02:51,911 "Control freak." 67 00:02:51,969 --> 00:02:54,317 "Orders drone strikes to cope with..." 68 00:02:55,863 --> 00:02:56,933 "Insecurity." 69 00:02:56,991 --> 00:02:58,116 Should we drone-strike them? 70 00:02:58,174 --> 00:03:00,333 - That would prove them right! - And blow him up. 71 00:03:00,391 --> 00:03:01,575 Give me the phone. 72 00:03:01,633 --> 00:03:03,536 Is this game popular with autistic people? 73 00:03:03,594 --> 00:03:05,075 Why would you say something like that? 74 00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:06,582 'Cause I'm starting to love it. 75 00:03:07,495 --> 00:03:09,587 "Failure to answer is a felony offense"? 76 00:03:09,645 --> 00:03:12,364 Play it cool. As far as he knows, we're still in the tunnels. 77 00:03:13,434 --> 00:03:14,962 When should we reveal we can see them? 78 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,645 We're holding all the cards right now. 79 00:03:16,715 --> 00:03:18,481 We don't show any before the time is right. 80 00:03:18,659 --> 00:03:19,896 - Awesome. - Yello? 81 00:03:19,954 --> 00:03:21,524 Hi, guys. U.S. President calling. 82 00:03:21,598 --> 00:03:22,965 - How's it going? - Oh, hey. 83 00:03:23,023 --> 00:03:24,973 Just hard at work on this sex tunnel gagoo. 84 00:03:25,031 --> 00:03:27,032 I think it's kind of our new archnemesis, you know? 85 00:03:27,090 --> 00:03:28,118 It might take a while. 86 00:03:28,176 --> 00:03:29,477 What do you think, Morty... a month? 87 00:03:29,534 --> 00:03:31,254 Fingers crossed, a month, yeah. 88 00:03:32,425 --> 00:03:33,625 You lying dicks! 89 00:03:33,692 --> 00:03:35,282 I see your asses playing "Minecraft"! 90 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:36,609 I got you on satellite! 91 00:03:36,674 --> 00:03:37,934 That's right. 92 00:03:38,004 --> 00:03:39,302 What do you have to say for yourselves? 93 00:03:39,359 --> 00:03:41,345 Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President. 94 00:03:41,403 --> 00:03:42,720 I mean, what doesn't look bad 95 00:03:42,778 --> 00:03:43,869 through an illegal spy satellite? 96 00:03:43,926 --> 00:03:45,239 Don't high-road me. 97 00:03:45,297 --> 00:03:47,020 The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day. 98 00:03:47,078 --> 00:03:48,484 - Wow, really? - That's pretty cool. 99 00:03:48,514 --> 00:03:50,868 And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then. 100 00:03:50,926 --> 00:03:52,208 America returns that favor 101 00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:54,634 by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws. 102 00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:56,407 - Oh! - Oh! Oh, God. 103 00:03:56,465 --> 00:03:58,137 We... We didn't know you saw it that way. 104 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,978 Well, it's nobody's fault. 105 00:04:00,036 --> 00:04:01,829 We never had "the talk," so to speak. 106 00:04:01,895 --> 00:04:02,943 Yeah. I mean, the way we see it, 107 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,617 when we show up, that's the favor to you. 108 00:04:05,734 --> 00:04:07,814 Especially, you know, when it turns out 109 00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,854 you wanted someone to come over just because you found 110 00:04:09,911 --> 00:04:11,478 an "X-Files" monster in your basement. 111 00:04:11,536 --> 00:04:14,739 As for the reason you've never, like, arrested us, 112 00:04:14,817 --> 00:04:16,786 we assumed you just knew that it was impossible, 113 00:04:16,844 --> 00:04:18,262 like, if you tried. 114 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,668 You know, it wouldn't go well. 115 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:24,661 Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate? 116 00:04:24,719 --> 00:04:27,614 I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. 117 00:04:27,731 --> 00:04:29,540 Just trust me. None of us want to go there. 118 00:04:29,598 --> 00:04:30,989 Which we'll never have to. 119 00:04:31,083 --> 00:04:32,950 By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth. 120 00:04:33,012 --> 00:04:34,607 You know, we're... we're happy to do that. 121 00:04:34,664 --> 00:04:36,072 Yeah, but not because it contains America... 122 00:04:36,129 --> 00:04:38,731 because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half. 123 00:04:38,801 --> 00:04:41,392 But feel free to call us, you know, as... as, like, friends. 124 00:04:41,450 --> 00:04:43,825 Yeah, like, if you ever want to take a selfie... 125 00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:45,887 So, are we cool? 126 00:04:47,075 --> 00:04:48,674 Yes. Thank you, gentlemen. 127 00:04:48,981 --> 00:04:50,079 I told you, man! 128 00:04:50,137 --> 00:04:52,629 I'm impressed, Morty. That went really well. 129 00:04:54,858 --> 00:04:56,828 Everybody, get ahold of yourselves! 130 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:59,267 Sir, what is our new Rick and Morty policy? 131 00:04:59,325 --> 00:05:02,192 Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again. 132 00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,786 Today, we celebrate our independence 133 00:05:04,854 --> 00:05:06,239 from Rick and Morty. 134 00:05:07,208 --> 00:05:08,442 Everyone out. 135 00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:17,952 ♪♪ 136 00:05:18,089 --> 00:05:20,456 All this spring at Clothes Mart, there's a clothes sale. 137 00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:21,874 Come on down to the clothes section. 138 00:05:21,932 --> 00:05:24,058 I just put it on for fun. I know I can't buy it. 139 00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:27,081 Oh, come on. You look great! You're only young once. 140 00:05:27,139 --> 00:05:28,936 Just promise, if the results are too strong, 141 00:05:29,030 --> 00:05:30,066 you'll use protection. 142 00:05:30,124 --> 00:05:31,725 Really? Thanks! 143 00:05:31,897 --> 00:05:34,155 - When did you get rad? - I don't know. 144 00:05:34,213 --> 00:05:38,183 Maybe I adjusted to the divorce and everything's new. 145 00:05:38,276 --> 00:05:39,666 I'll say. I couldn't stand you 146 00:05:39,724 --> 00:05:41,983 for more than an hour at a time before. 147 00:05:42,319 --> 00:05:43,381 No... No offense. 148 00:05:43,439 --> 00:05:46,350 I like it. It's great. You're like a different person. 149 00:05:46,853 --> 00:05:47,938 Yeah. 150 00:05:48,624 --> 00:05:50,225 Different person. 151 00:05:56,241 --> 00:05:58,014 Oh, not you. 152 00:05:58,163 --> 00:06:00,655 Vamos! Vamos! Aaah! 153 00:06:01,329 --> 00:06:02,808 How do you like that, Morty? 154 00:06:02,866 --> 00:06:04,726 Whoa! Just like "Minecraft"! 155 00:06:04,889 --> 00:06:07,178 Ooh, a tiny nuclear-capable species 156 00:06:07,264 --> 00:06:08,585 just got discovered in the Amazon. 157 00:06:08,645 --> 00:06:10,352 Let's go make first contact before someone else 158 00:06:10,410 --> 00:06:11,890 - gets all their shit. - What about this? 159 00:06:11,947 --> 00:06:13,499 South Park did it 4 years ago, Morty. 160 00:06:13,557 --> 00:06:14,577 They're fast. 161 00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:16,105 Or we're slow. 162 00:06:19,631 --> 00:06:20,904 Don't do it, guys. 163 00:06:20,962 --> 00:06:23,389 The casualties would be in the "Brazilians" 164 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:24,974 because you're Brazilian. 165 00:06:25,131 --> 00:06:26,491 It's a threat and a pun. 166 00:06:26,577 --> 00:06:27,666 Nobody gets me. 167 00:06:27,724 --> 00:06:29,483 Americanos! Pressa! 168 00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:50,063 Oh. Hello, Rick. You're here, too. 169 00:06:50,128 --> 00:06:51,971 I guess this is a global crisis. 170 00:06:52,029 --> 00:06:53,121 Oh, God. 171 00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:55,428 Mr. President, Morty and I have the situation covered. 172 00:06:55,486 --> 00:06:56,678 I'm sure you did. 173 00:06:56,806 --> 00:06:58,370 - Dismissed. - Dismissed? 174 00:06:58,428 --> 00:06:59,819 Yeah, dismissed. 175 00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:02,230 Not needed here. You can leave and nobody will care. 176 00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:03,222 Have you never heard that before? 177 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:04,839 Do you even know how to take out this kind of threat? 178 00:07:04,897 --> 00:07:06,014 We're not taking it out. 179 00:07:06,072 --> 00:07:08,655 We're going to shrink down and approach them diplomatically. 180 00:07:12,418 --> 00:07:14,761 - You shrink with pills? - Are you still here? 181 00:07:14,819 --> 00:07:16,801 Shouldn't you be going down to your next version of Earth 182 00:07:16,858 --> 00:07:18,917 with your selfie-craving star... sidekick? 183 00:07:18,975 --> 00:07:20,683 - Whoa! - We're allowed to be here. 184 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,222 You aren't president of the Amazon. 185 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,905 Yeah, I learned about your job in school. 186 00:07:23,967 --> 00:07:25,164 You're a civil servant. 187 00:07:25,204 --> 00:07:26,639 We're technically your boss. 188 00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:27,850 Oh, please, Morty. 189 00:07:27,908 --> 00:07:29,460 You pay as many taxes as you have pubes. 190 00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:32,222 Oh, I got pubes, Commander-in-Queef. 191 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,331 - You want to count them? - Commander-in-Queef. 192 00:07:34,389 --> 00:07:36,249 That's it! Do it! 193 00:07:36,545 --> 00:07:38,792 Recognize the rare element Sanchez-eum? 194 00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:41,343 We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. 195 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,672 You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it 196 00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:45,459 while you sat on your ass at peace summits. 197 00:07:45,517 --> 00:07:46,506 Peace summits are important! 198 00:07:46,564 --> 00:07:47,584 Oh, yeah! They work great! 199 00:07:47,642 --> 00:07:49,269 We're really drowning in peace! 200 00:07:49,327 --> 00:07:50,987 - You suck! - You suck! 201 00:07:51,045 --> 00:07:52,694 Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink. 202 00:07:52,752 --> 00:07:55,694 Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? 203 00:07:55,752 --> 00:07:58,081 Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, 204 00:07:58,139 --> 00:07:59,664 you could get a more curable cancer 205 00:07:59,704 --> 00:08:01,561 just walking through the mushroom clouds. 206 00:08:01,793 --> 00:08:03,569 God damn it! I'll do it. 207 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,298 Whoa. 208 00:08:05,356 --> 00:08:06,749 Task Force Alpha is disbanded. 209 00:08:06,874 --> 00:08:08,804 And you two aren't American anymore! 210 00:08:08,862 --> 00:08:10,561 I can say that. You're expatriated! 211 00:08:10,714 --> 00:08:12,624 If you step foot on homeland soil again, 212 00:08:12,744 --> 00:08:14,303 I'll treat it as an invasion. 213 00:08:14,573 --> 00:08:15,629 Is this supposed to be painful? 214 00:08:15,686 --> 00:08:16,784 Painful to watch. 215 00:08:16,814 --> 00:08:18,381 Oh, such lame shrinking. 216 00:08:18,439 --> 00:08:20,452 Oh, his clothes stay the same size? 217 00:08:20,595 --> 00:08:23,265 Oh! '70s shrinking, party of one. 218 00:08:23,323 --> 00:08:25,100 Eat my shrinking ass! 219 00:08:26,523 --> 00:08:29,053 There he goes. All right. Let's get out of here, Morty. 220 00:08:30,624 --> 00:08:31,631 What the hell? 221 00:08:31,689 --> 00:08:33,944 I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses. 222 00:08:34,002 --> 00:08:35,913 Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia. 223 00:08:35,971 --> 00:08:36,980 Stand down. 224 00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:38,616 He's not afraid of pirates. 225 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:42,571 Oh! Run, Morty! That part was true! 226 00:08:57,254 --> 00:08:59,597 - I-I can't talk now, sweetie. - Oh, when can you? 227 00:08:59,655 --> 00:09:00,995 Good point. What's up? 228 00:09:01,053 --> 00:09:03,605 Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, 229 00:09:03,663 --> 00:09:06,355 I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos 230 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,824 to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left 231 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:11,134 because you could replace me with a clone? 232 00:09:11,192 --> 00:09:12,546 - Mm-hmm. - Am I the clone? 233 00:09:12,604 --> 00:09:13,933 - Sorry. What? - Am I the clone? 234 00:09:13,991 --> 00:09:15,445 Did the real me choose to leave, and I only 235 00:09:15,502 --> 00:09:17,421 think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think 236 00:09:17,478 --> 00:09:19,134 because I'm the replacement Beth? 237 00:09:19,814 --> 00:09:21,249 - No. - Okay. 238 00:09:21,554 --> 00:09:25,561 And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me? 239 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,566 Beth, you know, when... when smart people get happy, 240 00:09:28,624 --> 00:09:30,639 they stop recognizing themselves. 241 00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:34,100 And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter. 242 00:09:34,178 --> 00:09:36,741 Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. 243 00:09:36,852 --> 00:09:37,913 Thank you, Dad. 244 00:09:37,975 --> 00:09:39,050 - All good? - Totally. 245 00:09:39,108 --> 00:09:40,545 I'm fine now. 246 00:09:40,819 --> 00:09:43,691 And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real 247 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,613 because you're actually convinced you're a clone 248 00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:47,348 and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware 249 00:09:47,405 --> 00:09:49,249 would mean I'd have to terminate you? 250 00:09:50,098 --> 00:09:52,158 - No. - Okay. Glad I could help. 251 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:53,346 See you soon. 252 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:57,084 Aaaaaah! 253 00:10:05,437 --> 00:10:07,193 Where do I go? 254 00:10:07,937 --> 00:10:10,316 What does th... What... What... What... What does this mean? 255 00:10:10,374 --> 00:10:11,428 This means nothing. 256 00:10:11,514 --> 00:10:13,183 Pull forward and park. 257 00:10:13,241 --> 00:10:14,991 Then say that, God damn it! 258 00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,316 Sorry. 259 00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:17,834 Bad day. 260 00:10:19,904 --> 00:10:22,511 I am Presidentress of the Mega Gargantuans. 261 00:10:22,569 --> 00:10:24,928 We named ourselves before learning we were small. 262 00:10:24,986 --> 00:10:27,686 Madam Presidentress, I'm President of America, 263 00:10:27,744 --> 00:10:28,854 which is basically the world, 264 00:10:28,884 --> 00:10:30,225 but you didn't hear that from me. 265 00:10:30,288 --> 00:10:31,936 - I've come to... - I know who you are. 266 00:10:32,053 --> 00:10:33,824 We've already agreed to a ceasefire 267 00:10:33,882 --> 00:10:35,558 with your ambassadors, Rick and Morty. 268 00:10:35,616 --> 00:10:37,496 Rick and Morty were here? Of course they were here. 269 00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,288 They can shrink instantly and teleport. 270 00:10:39,436 --> 00:10:41,364 They told me to give you this. 271 00:10:41,514 --> 00:10:43,764 They said it will stretch as your cancer pill wears off 272 00:10:43,822 --> 00:10:46,600 and your body awkwardly enlarges at the rate of a '50s movie. 273 00:10:46,664 --> 00:10:47,788 Are there pants? 274 00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:49,864 They said you'd prefer just a shirt. 275 00:10:49,922 --> 00:10:52,975 Apparently, you have a need to swing your dick around? 276 00:10:54,756 --> 00:10:55,913 Rick and Morty escaped. 277 00:10:55,974 --> 00:10:57,749 No shit. Take me to the Pentagon. 278 00:10:57,807 --> 00:10:59,217 We're at war with Rick and Morty. 279 00:10:59,275 --> 00:11:00,882 You'll want to make a stop at the White House? 280 00:11:00,939 --> 00:11:03,319 I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract. 281 00:11:03,384 --> 00:11:05,314 I mean you need to call a press conference. 282 00:11:05,372 --> 00:11:07,991 Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire. 283 00:11:08,053 --> 00:11:09,784 What? They signed something called 284 00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:12,124 "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. 285 00:11:12,182 --> 00:11:14,597 Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat 286 00:11:14,655 --> 00:11:16,706 took them to a "Star Wars" cantina, 287 00:11:16,764 --> 00:11:18,569 where they smoked perspective-enhancing 288 00:11:18,627 --> 00:11:20,776 alien pheromones through a laser hookah. 289 00:11:20,834 --> 00:11:22,186 I still say it has to be Putin. 290 00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,894 It was Rick and Morty, you ... ing dunce! 291 00:11:23,952 --> 00:11:25,137 But you're getting the credit, sir. 292 00:11:25,194 --> 00:11:27,128 Your approval rating just hit 100% 293 00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:28,480 Why would Rick and Morty want that? 294 00:11:28,537 --> 00:11:30,038 Because they're assholes! 295 00:11:30,810 --> 00:11:34,154 I'm flattered, but it takes a whole team to achieve what we did today. 296 00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:35,427 Thank you. 297 00:11:35,810 --> 00:11:37,455 Well? They haven't been back home, sir. 298 00:11:37,513 --> 00:11:39,942 We've got every possible location under surveillance. 299 00:11:40,255 --> 00:11:41,971 God damn it! They're right here! 300 00:11:42,029 --> 00:11:44,096 They're here, God damn it! Code Red! We need backup! 301 00:11:44,154 --> 00:11:45,252 Everybody relax. 302 00:11:45,310 --> 00:11:46,597 Just waiting for you in the only room 303 00:11:46,654 --> 00:11:48,076 you can't blow up or spy on. 304 00:11:48,154 --> 00:11:49,963 So, we're not changing timelines for you, 305 00:11:50,021 --> 00:11:51,448 but now you have everything you want, 306 00:11:51,505 --> 00:11:52,729 so you can forget we exist, 307 00:11:52,787 --> 00:11:53,760 and we'll return the favor. 308 00:11:53,818 --> 00:11:55,192 You couldn't say that in a text? 309 00:11:55,232 --> 00:11:57,763 Well, since we won't be seeing each other again, my... 310 00:11:57,857 --> 00:12:00,326 Guys, we get it. It's a Code Red. Enough. 311 00:12:00,451 --> 00:12:01,951 My grandson has worked hard for you, 312 00:12:02,009 --> 00:12:03,632 and I feel like he's earned a selfie. 313 00:12:03,693 --> 00:12:05,709 Honestly, I could take it or leave it at this point. 314 00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:06,619 You're taking it. 315 00:12:06,677 --> 00:12:08,604 No. What kind of fratty-ass status move is that? 316 00:12:08,662 --> 00:12:09,713 Get out of my office! 317 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,252 Seriously? You're that stubborn? 318 00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:13,073 He's the stubborn one. I'm protecting my country. 319 00:12:13,130 --> 00:12:14,240 Uh, from selfies? 320 00:12:14,341 --> 00:12:15,900 From subordination to hostile powers. 321 00:12:15,966 --> 00:12:17,799 Uh, does China know about that deal-breaker? 322 00:12:17,857 --> 00:12:19,443 China doesn't piss on the White House. 323 00:12:19,529 --> 00:12:21,385 Well, why would they? I'm sure it was expensive. 324 00:12:21,442 --> 00:12:22,760 - Get out. - Not without a selfie. 325 00:12:22,817 --> 00:12:25,041 - Arrest them. - Son, you have a right to refuse his order, 326 00:12:25,098 --> 00:12:26,799 and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me, 327 00:12:26,856 --> 00:12:28,854 and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black. 328 00:12:28,911 --> 00:12:29,966 Don't do it. 329 00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:31,062 - Whoa, Rick! - Okay. 330 00:12:31,092 --> 00:12:31,992 What was that? 331 00:12:32,050 --> 00:12:33,132 - Death. - What kind? 332 00:12:33,162 --> 00:12:34,330 - Instant. - There was no sound. 333 00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,056 - He just died. - Yeah, terrifying. 334 00:12:36,114 --> 00:12:37,534 It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. 335 00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:38,572 It's called a deterrent. 336 00:12:38,630 --> 00:12:39,954 You couldn't just knock him out? 337 00:12:40,012 --> 00:12:41,876 How is knocking out a deterrent? 338 00:12:41,941 --> 00:12:43,369 Everyone wants to be knocked out. 339 00:12:43,427 --> 00:12:44,501 Nobody wants to be dead. 340 00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:45,955 You committed murder in the Oval Office. 341 00:12:46,012 --> 00:12:47,470 - Now you can't leave. - That's fine. 342 00:12:47,528 --> 00:12:48,737 I said I'm not leaving without a selfie. 343 00:12:48,794 --> 00:12:50,025 Uh, I don't need a selfie. 344 00:12:50,083 --> 00:12:51,362 And I'm saying you aren't getting one 345 00:12:51,419 --> 00:12:52,369 and you aren't leaving. 346 00:12:52,427 --> 00:12:54,869 - So we agree? - Yes. No. We disagree 347 00:12:54,927 --> 00:12:56,799 because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving. 348 00:12:56,856 --> 00:12:57,876 Am I getting a selfie? 349 00:12:57,934 --> 00:12:59,245 - Never. - Then I'm never leaving. 350 00:12:59,302 --> 00:13:00,322 - Exactly. - See? 351 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:01,392 Does anyone have a shot? 352 00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:03,473 Yes, nine people. I can show you. 353 00:13:03,714 --> 00:13:05,369 But I wouldn't recommend... 354 00:13:05,427 --> 00:13:06,427 Open fire! 355 00:13:06,739 --> 00:13:07,935 God, you are dumb! 356 00:13:07,993 --> 00:13:09,034 Get the President out of here! 357 00:13:09,091 --> 00:13:10,697 - Bad idea. - Wait. Why? 358 00:13:10,755 --> 00:13:11,971 Because if there isn't someone in here 359 00:13:12,028 --> 00:13:13,323 that they're not supposed to kill, 360 00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:15,104 they're going to wreck the place trying to kill me. 361 00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:17,200 As long as you live, no matter where you are, 362 00:13:17,278 --> 00:13:18,915 if it isn't in a selfie with him, 363 00:13:18,973 --> 00:13:20,412 I'll be here. 364 00:13:20,817 --> 00:13:22,204 - Jesus! - He's not a ... ing God! 365 00:13:22,262 --> 00:13:23,470 You don't know what I am! 366 00:13:23,528 --> 00:13:24,627 And you don't know what I can do! 367 00:13:24,684 --> 00:13:26,965 - Jesus! It's... It's cool, Rick! - I'm Doctor Who in this mother ... ! 368 00:13:27,111 --> 00:13:29,278 I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. 369 00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:31,087 We could be clones controlled by robots 370 00:13:31,145 --> 00:13:32,439 controlled with special headsets 371 00:13:32,497 --> 00:13:33,752 that the real Rick and Morty are wearing 372 00:13:33,809 --> 00:13:34,905 while they're ... ing your mother! 373 00:13:34,963 --> 00:13:35,967 I'm going to kill you! 374 00:13:36,025 --> 00:13:37,658 Then come to 312 Olive Street! 375 00:13:37,716 --> 00:13:38,909 - Is that her address? - You don't know 376 00:13:38,966 --> 00:13:40,314 because you're a bad son! 377 00:13:40,372 --> 00:13:41,467 Ow! Take him down! 378 00:13:41,525 --> 00:13:42,849 Semper fi! 379 00:13:42,879 --> 00:13:43,979 Aaaaah! 380 00:13:44,019 --> 00:13:45,779 Number three, The Twister. 381 00:13:45,838 --> 00:13:47,389 Ow! Damn it. Number four... 382 00:13:47,419 --> 00:13:49,135 The Hanky Panky. 383 00:13:50,459 --> 00:13:51,760 Beth? 384 00:13:51,849 --> 00:13:53,960 My dad might have cloned me, and I might be the clone. 385 00:13:54,017 --> 00:13:55,828 And he says I'm not, but that's what he'd say to a clone. 386 00:13:55,885 --> 00:13:56,901 Typical. 387 00:13:56,959 --> 00:13:58,571 Number six, The Texas Ripple. 388 00:13:58,629 --> 00:13:59,659 You look like you to me. 389 00:13:59,699 --> 00:14:00,999 What are you, an idiot? 390 00:14:01,311 --> 00:14:02,738 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 391 00:14:02,796 --> 00:14:03,983 That was so rude. 392 00:14:04,041 --> 00:14:06,223 I came to you for help, and now I'm insulting your intelligence. 393 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,617 And look where intelligence gets you. 394 00:14:07,674 --> 00:14:09,925 Well, don't knock intelligence, because right now 395 00:14:10,062 --> 00:14:12,639 I'd love to understand how I can help you. 396 00:14:12,709 --> 00:14:14,269 I can't be in charge of that, Jerry. 397 00:14:14,327 --> 00:14:16,812 My mind, my ideas are all part of the variable. 398 00:14:16,870 --> 00:14:18,667 The only constant is you. 399 00:14:18,789 --> 00:14:21,163 You know me inside and out. 400 00:14:21,649 --> 00:14:23,249 Do what you have to do. 401 00:14:24,911 --> 00:14:26,374 Okay. Sit down. 402 00:14:26,496 --> 00:14:27,896 Now cross your legs. 403 00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,471 That leg on top. Good. 404 00:14:29,529 --> 00:14:31,327 Oh, what is this? 405 00:14:32,929 --> 00:14:34,722 Senior year, I took you on a date 406 00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:36,099 to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra 407 00:14:36,139 --> 00:14:38,899 performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the Park. 408 00:14:39,382 --> 00:14:41,574 At this point in the song from "Volcano," 409 00:14:41,647 --> 00:14:43,624 when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers 410 00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:45,925 are using cars to guide the lava into a cul-de-sac, 411 00:14:46,031 --> 00:14:47,761 I realized my palms were so sweaty, 412 00:14:47,831 --> 00:14:49,255 I would never get to hold your hand. 413 00:14:49,319 --> 00:14:50,749 But I was desperate to touch you, 414 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,806 so I wiped my palm on the grass next to me. 415 00:14:52,864 --> 00:14:54,838 But a Snickers wrapper kind of got stuck on it, 416 00:14:54,896 --> 00:14:56,619 so I started kind of jiggling it, 417 00:14:56,659 --> 00:14:58,357 whipping it without moving too much. 418 00:14:58,432 --> 00:14:59,883 But you started looking over, and I thought, 419 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,972 "Well, this is it. She's going to see that I'm a loser, 420 00:15:02,029 --> 00:15:03,245 and I'll never get to touch her. 421 00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:04,763 But I still have time to touch her." 422 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,259 But my hand had Snickers on it, 423 00:15:06,299 --> 00:15:07,724 and the brass section was swelling 424 00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,377 because it was the scene with the guy melting in the lava. 425 00:15:09,434 --> 00:15:11,434 And I just thought, "... it. Lips don't sweat." 426 00:15:14,430 --> 00:15:16,130 Wow. Yeah. 427 00:15:16,239 --> 00:15:18,317 I'll never forget that feeling. 428 00:15:18,779 --> 00:15:20,161 You're the real thing. 429 00:15:20,609 --> 00:15:21,833 Then that settles it, 430 00:15:21,897 --> 00:15:24,507 because my memory is of hating that night. 431 00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:27,950 But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am 432 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:32,859 to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man. 433 00:15:32,935 --> 00:15:34,060 Simple twice. 434 00:15:34,118 --> 00:15:36,324 This isn't the woman you married, Jerry, 435 00:15:36,899 --> 00:15:38,465 because this woman loves you. 436 00:15:38,582 --> 00:15:42,451 Uh... well, vive la différence. 437 00:15:42,529 --> 00:15:43,966 Okay. That was lame. 438 00:15:44,099 --> 00:15:46,459 Listen, I... Words. 439 00:15:47,171 --> 00:15:48,755 Don Cheadle. 440 00:15:53,749 --> 00:15:56,107 You have the right to get the ... out of my office! 441 00:15:56,185 --> 00:15:57,630 You have the right to kiss my dick! 442 00:15:57,719 --> 00:15:59,341 Give me the thing. 443 00:16:00,037 --> 00:16:01,263 Ugh! 444 00:16:01,474 --> 00:16:03,170 Oh! 445 00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:09,615 Ugh! 446 00:16:38,159 --> 00:16:40,052 Oh! 447 00:16:43,909 --> 00:16:45,909 Ugh! Ugh! 448 00:17:05,889 --> 00:17:07,689 Ohh! 449 00:17:07,719 --> 00:17:09,749 Submit! Submit for the selfie! 450 00:17:09,789 --> 00:17:11,959 I yield! I yield! Take the selfie! 451 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,347 Okay. Morty, get in there and say, "Cheese." 452 00:17:14,959 --> 00:17:16,293 Morty? 453 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,082 Morty, come on! 454 00:17:18,355 --> 00:17:20,152 God damn it! 455 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,886 Rick, don't get mad, but I-I stole your portal gun. 456 00:17:24,972 --> 00:17:26,239 What the ... , Morty? 457 00:17:26,269 --> 00:17:28,902 I told you I didn't want the damn selfie 800 times! 458 00:17:29,071 --> 00:17:30,743 Look, whatever the hell is going on between you 459 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,622 and the president, it's got nothing to do with me. 460 00:17:32,679 --> 00:17:34,355 So where did you go? I can't tell you. 461 00:17:34,464 --> 00:17:36,691 Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone? 462 00:17:36,761 --> 00:17:38,438 No! I told her she wasn't! 463 00:17:38,496 --> 00:17:40,019 Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone? 464 00:17:40,049 --> 00:17:41,219 Oh, for Christ's sake. 465 00:17:41,249 --> 00:17:43,293 Rick, my mom and dad are getting back together. 466 00:17:43,425 --> 00:17:44,793 What? No! She's not a clone! 467 00:17:44,851 --> 00:17:46,883 Well, she says it doesn't matter if she is or isn't 468 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,320 because now she loves my dad, 469 00:17:48,378 --> 00:17:49,972 and she wanted me and Summer to come home, 470 00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:51,959 and we're hiding from you so you don't kill her 471 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:53,652 if she's a clone in a place 472 00:17:53,710 --> 00:17:55,140 I picked that you will never find. 473 00:17:55,361 --> 00:17:57,831 So don't look for us. 474 00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:00,167 Come on, bitch! 475 00:18:00,225 --> 00:18:01,281 Oh, you come on, bitch. 476 00:18:01,339 --> 00:18:02,969 I'm out. I'm done. 477 00:18:03,093 --> 00:18:05,251 I've got to... I've got to go. 478 00:18:05,325 --> 00:18:07,582 So I win. Then I'm in charge, and you can't leave. 479 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,221 You're a terrorist. You're an enemy of the state, 480 00:18:09,278 --> 00:18:10,962 and you kicked me in the balls 10 minutes ago! 481 00:18:11,019 --> 00:18:12,749 The office of the President can't coexist 482 00:18:12,789 --> 00:18:14,679 with a living God that won't submit to it... 483 00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,249 I mean, besides Poseidon. 484 00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:17,859 But he's locked up in Area 51 already, 485 00:18:17,968 --> 00:18:19,128 so that doesn't really count. 486 00:18:19,187 --> 00:18:20,747 Mr. President, I'll make you a deal. 487 00:18:20,819 --> 00:18:22,780 If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand 488 00:18:22,866 --> 00:18:24,671 deficit-tripling teleporter, 489 00:18:24,761 --> 00:18:27,172 I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again. 490 00:18:27,229 --> 00:18:30,199 Yes. Deal. Invisi-troopers, stand down. 491 00:18:30,405 --> 00:18:32,129 - Yeah, yeah. - I don't want to hear it. 492 00:18:32,187 --> 00:18:33,890 You know I could see them this whole time, right? 493 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,347 Don't push it, Sanchez. 494 00:18:45,883 --> 00:18:47,183 He found us! 495 00:18:47,241 --> 00:18:48,406 I told you we shouldn't have gone 496 00:18:48,463 --> 00:18:49,882 to the same cabin as last time! 497 00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:52,851 Oh, we're not going anywhere. This ends now. 498 00:18:53,335 --> 00:18:55,132 Dad, if you're my dad. 499 00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:56,382 Of course, you're not my dad. 500 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,241 You're here with a gun because I am a clone. 501 00:18:58,434 --> 00:19:00,151 I guess I have all your daughter's memories. 502 00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:03,762 So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her. 503 00:19:03,820 --> 00:19:05,304 But I don't relate to her. 504 00:19:05,399 --> 00:19:08,976 She left her family and me, which means I relate to them. 505 00:19:09,046 --> 00:19:10,309 So if you kill me, fine. 506 00:19:10,374 --> 00:19:11,421 You're not killing her. 507 00:19:11,479 --> 00:19:13,149 But you're killing a real family. 508 00:19:13,207 --> 00:19:15,677 And instead of doing that, will you just go away? 509 00:19:15,735 --> 00:19:17,390 Aren't there, like, infinite time lines? 510 00:19:17,451 --> 00:19:19,831 Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone 511 00:19:19,889 --> 00:19:22,230 and where a different but identical version 512 00:19:22,288 --> 00:19:24,659 of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch 513 00:19:24,689 --> 00:19:26,819 of a daughter can keep making you proud 514 00:19:26,859 --> 00:19:28,648 by being somewhere else? 515 00:19:29,523 --> 00:19:31,799 Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter. 516 00:19:31,874 --> 00:19:33,499 I brought this here to kill Jerry. 517 00:19:33,557 --> 00:19:35,640 Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! 518 00:19:35,765 --> 00:19:38,405 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win! 519 00:19:38,570 --> 00:19:42,007 No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots 520 00:19:42,065 --> 00:19:44,101 from digging into everything and everyone around you 521 00:19:44,158 --> 00:19:46,854 and draining them of any ability to fend you off. 522 00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:49,791 Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. 523 00:19:49,849 --> 00:19:50,849 I appreciate it. 524 00:19:50,949 --> 00:19:52,101 Morty, where's my portal gun? 525 00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:53,194 Let's get out of here. 526 00:19:53,252 --> 00:19:54,327 I'm staying here, Rick. 527 00:19:54,385 --> 00:19:56,319 Are you... Ugh! 528 00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:57,449 Nobody gets it. 529 00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,940 Nothing you think matters matters. 530 00:19:59,018 --> 00:20:00,072 This isn't special. 531 00:20:00,180 --> 00:20:01,695 This... This is happening infinite times 532 00:20:01,752 --> 00:20:03,007 across infinite realities. 533 00:20:03,065 --> 00:20:04,518 Including this? 534 00:20:05,025 --> 00:20:06,533 Yes! 535 00:20:06,979 --> 00:20:09,769 Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny. 536 00:20:09,799 --> 00:20:10,999 Are you going to stay? 537 00:20:11,069 --> 00:20:12,432 There's infinite time lines, Morty. 538 00:20:12,490 --> 00:20:14,734 Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House, 539 00:20:14,791 --> 00:20:16,321 became an enemy of America 540 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:19,486 and the lowest-status character in my idiot family? 541 00:20:21,193 --> 00:20:22,993 Because of the fart? 542 00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:24,819 There's still some rubble over there. 543 00:20:24,877 --> 00:20:26,471 I don't think you've ever understood 544 00:20:26,538 --> 00:20:29,143 what "Secretary of the Interior" means! 545 00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:31,729 Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, 546 00:20:31,787 --> 00:20:33,260 but not the one that did this. 547 00:20:33,416 --> 00:20:36,338 We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other 548 00:20:36,396 --> 00:20:37,713 like hermit crabs, I think. 549 00:20:37,771 --> 00:20:39,150 I'm fly-fishing Rick. 550 00:20:39,236 --> 00:20:41,672 You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with 551 00:20:41,729 --> 00:20:44,569 by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. 552 00:20:44,599 --> 00:20:46,069 I hope I can be of service 553 00:20:46,109 --> 00:20:48,033 if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. 554 00:20:48,104 --> 00:20:50,150 Friends? 555 00:20:51,121 --> 00:20:52,729 Sounds good to me. 556 00:20:52,917 --> 00:20:54,377 Kids, dinner! 557 00:20:54,449 --> 00:20:55,709 I got Panda Express! 558 00:20:55,749 --> 00:20:57,009 Did you get sugar chicken? 559 00:20:57,049 --> 00:20:58,562 That's kind of the only thing they have. 560 00:20:58,619 --> 00:21:00,541 I love Panda E! Thanks, Mom! 561 00:21:00,619 --> 00:21:02,850 I'm hoping to get a piece of your sugar chicken later. 562 00:21:03,775 --> 00:21:04,942 Stop it. 563 00:21:05,019 --> 00:21:06,994 Here's your stupid hat, dipshit. 564 00:21:07,052 --> 00:21:09,082 Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore. 565 00:21:09,193 --> 00:21:11,018 We're a real family now. 566 00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:13,141 In many ways, things will be like season 1 567 00:21:13,199 --> 00:21:14,459 but more streamlined. 568 00:21:14,499 --> 00:21:16,604 Now Jerry and I are happily married parents, 569 00:21:16,662 --> 00:21:18,405 and the idea that I was motivated 570 00:21:18,463 --> 00:21:20,236 by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed. 571 00:21:20,346 --> 00:21:22,455 Eschewed? You've never used that word. 572 00:21:22,565 --> 00:21:23,979 Maybe you are a clone. 573 00:21:24,603 --> 00:21:26,744 It's not like Rick would tell us. 574 00:21:27,544 --> 00:21:31,060 Sync corrections by srjanapala 575 00:21:31,860 --> 00:21:35,455 ♪♪ 576 00:21:35,754 --> 00:21:39,532 ♪♪ 577 00:21:57,346 --> 00:22:01,041 ♪♪ 578 00:22:03,041 --> 00:22:05,514 Ooh-wee! What a season! 579 00:22:05,572 --> 00:22:08,096 Sorry I never showed up, but I got married. 580 00:22:08,154 --> 00:22:09,256 I had a baby. 581 00:22:09,314 --> 00:22:12,291 I went back to school and got my G-E-E-E-D. 582 00:22:12,489 --> 00:22:14,697 What did you do while you were waiting? 583 00:22:14,785 --> 00:22:18,525 Hopefully you didn't just ... around and waste your life. 584 00:22:18,629 --> 00:22:20,088 Ooh-wee! 585 00:22:20,189 --> 00:22:25,329 See you for Season 4 in, like, a really long time! 586 00:22:25,399 --> 00:22:29,039 I might even have a big white Santa Claus beard 587 00:22:29,174 --> 00:22:31,209 and... and... and a... 588 00:22:31,369 --> 00:22:33,596 and a couple of grandkids 589 00:22:33,691 --> 00:22:36,361 and all that kind of stuff. 590 00:22:36,502 --> 00:22:38,455 See you... See you then!